Change

Last October, a wise friend told me that, in his experience as a pastor loving the bereaved, the second year is harder than the first.  He counseled us not to make any life-altering decisions throughout this year.  And we have not.  I've continued on with life as-is, often stuck in a rut, swallowed up in the darkness of grief.

But he was right.  This second year has been more difficult.  I'm not sure why, exactly.  Maybe it's because most people around me have continued on and forgotten, while William's death becomes more real to me everyday.  Maybe it's because they expect ME to move on and forget.  You know, I've had my year to grieve, now it's just wallowing.  Or not trusting in the Lord.  Or stubbornness.  Or whatever.

This second year without William has been a year of struggle.  I'm still struggling to accept the fact that he's gone.  I struggle to find myself.  I struggle to do what I know is right.  I struggle to build relationships when it's just so much easier to let go.  I struggle to push down the anger that is always lingering.  I struggle to find the confidence in decision-making I once had.  I second guess myself at almost every turn.  

Tomorrow marks 22 months since I last held my little boy.  The tears still come everyday.  It still takes effort to breathe.  I wonder what change lies ahead as we start allowing ourselves the freedom to think again.  I feel ready for change.