Saturday, October 31, 2015

On Tears and Gray Hairs

I found this picture a couple of days ago in Sarah's photos.















The boys have always had so much fun together.  It's hard to watch my little guys struggling so much now.  Of course, we all miss William.  We are all struggling.  It's so hard to believe he's gone from this earth.  Everyone points to all the good things...he can run into the arms of Jesus, he can see clearly, hear perfectly, no tears, no hardships, no difficulties.  I know all of these things to be true, but selfishly, I would keep him here.  I miss those little arms wrapped around my neck.  No one has ever been able to give a hug like William.  I miss that ornery voice, joking with me over nothing, really.  I miss the way he would snuggle up to me at night as I would sing his favorite song.  I miss seeing his cheerful face at the table.  The empty seat is more than I can bear.

Things are different now.  There's no mix of vitamins to prepare in the morning.  No Vest therapy to get ready.  No Braille lessons.  No searching for lost Cochlear batteries.  No teeth flossing and mouthwash.  No socks to put on.  No big diaper to change.  No bath to prepare.  No one to help with mealtime.  No hair to spike.  No wheelchair to fold up and try to fit in the car.  No joke about slowing down so I won't need to visit with a police officer (that only happened once).  I miss it.  All of it.  I want it all back.

I am at a loss when it comes to counting my children.  We use to do the "sound off".  Sarah would start with "1," Abby would say, "2," and so on down the line.  Adelina would say, in her very cute little voice, "11," and whoever was sitting next to Titus would reply, "12."  I can't imagine that we'll ever do that again.  When I've gone somewhere, it's literally confusing for me.  I have to pull them all together, look at them one-by-one, and say their names.  My older girls have looked at me compassionately and said, "Mommy, we're all here."  Michael and I are in awe that our house can feel so empty.

After William died that Sunday, the first time I looked in the mirror was the day of his funeral.  Thursday.  I was shocked at the amount of gray hair that seemed to come from nowhere.  Last year, when he stopped breathing, I had several crop up.  Six, actually.  Now it is so peppered, there's no counting them.  How do they just pop up like that, overnight?  Isn't that strange?  One thing is for sure, I will never dye my hair.  Those gray hairs are simply reminders of a much-loved little boy and how precious he was to me.

It hasn't all been doom and gloom.  We've had some good times, reminiscing.  Titus will occasionally point to William's picture on the wall and grunt until Michael holds him up where he can touch it, then all is well.  The children like to pick William's favorite songs at night for their own now.  Wallace has really surprised me.  He's so thoughtful and wise, almost melancholy at times.  One night he asked why we couldn't just go be with William in heaven now.  I told him that we had not fulfilled the purpose God has for our lives yet.  He paused and after a few moments said, "William fulfilled God's purpose for his life."  It wasn't a question, but more of an understanding.  Last night he asked if we could tie army guys or knights onto balloons and send them out on William's birthday because William would like for someone to get a surprise.

I feel for Knox.  I know he doesn't understand and he can't even put into words how to ask what he doesn't know.  The day of the visitation, he came in and saw William's body, lying in the coffin.  He excitedly ran to Wallace, saying, "Wallace! Wallace! Come here! I found William!"  He hasn't slept a solid night since that Sunday.  I don't know how to make it better for him.  Just hold him and pray over him and love him.

The grief is different for all of us.  There are different things that break us and different things that bring a fond smile.  But one thing I'm thankful for...through all of this, God's grace is still clearly seen.  We can feel His hand on us, His comfort, His care.  We can see His past mercies and His current graces.

I know life must go on, but every first without him is so very difficult.  There will never again be a complete family picture.  He will never get to live in the house he was so happy that we are buying.  He will never see his sweet, new baby brother that he loved so dearly and was counting the days until he could hold him.

I know the day will come when there's lots of laughter again.  I think the day will come when our thoughts of William bring tender smiles instead of brokenness and tears.  I hope the day will come when I can sing to my children at night without crying.  But for now, I simply cry out, "Help me, Lord! Help me walk this road that You have given me.  Help me be grateful for the time I was given and cherish it, instead of coveting more.  Mold me into what You will and help me to glorify You in all things."

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Closer to You

Just thinking of this song today.  Some of the young people sang it at William's funeral.  I miss him so...

Closer to me
I'm tired and I'm weak
And every breath within me
Is longing just to be
Closer to You
So I face the road ahead
Cause I know there's no comparing
To what's waiting at the end

So let the rain start falling where it will
And I will run through this valley
Just to climb to that hill
And if they ask why I'm smiling
After all I've been through
It's cause I'm just a day closer to You

Closer to me
I hear You whisper in the wind
You say although my life is fading
A new one will begin
Closer to You
And I know I'm not alone
Cause I can hear You in the distance
Saying, you are nearly home

So let the rain start falling where it will

And I will run through this valley
Just to climb to that hill
And if they ask why I'm smiling
After all I've been through
It's cause I'm just a day closer to You

Closer to me
You're in the laughter and the tears
Of the ones I leave behind me
Who have prayed me through the years
Closer to You
And I know it won't be long
Till You're running down the pathway
Just to take me in Your arms

So let the rain start falling where it will
And I will run through this valley
Just to climb to that hill
And if they ask why I'm smiling
After all I've been through
It's cause I'm just a day closer to You

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Sweet William

William's memorial was Thursday.  What a sweet, precious, heart-wrenching time.  I am thankful that my son touched so many lives during his short time on earth, but more than anything, I know that he has forever changed me.  I will miss those precious arms wrapped around my neck every single day that I live.  I had thought about closing his blog, but the girls didn't think I should.  I don't know that I will write in it often.  I'll just have to see.  Right now, the pain is too fresh.  So, for now, I'll just post about some things that have been important to us.  I've added the link to William's memorial slideshow under his videos.

We put together this table of William's favorite things for his service.  Boy, did he ever love that police car!  I'm sure you were a big part of that, Naresh!  Woody, Hulk, his harmonica (and he loved having lessons with you, Elijah!), farm animals, his iPad, all things to do with his Make a Wish trip, Cars, and, of course, his horses.  But most of all, he loved people.  He loved all of you who interacted with him.  He loved meeting new people.  He loved fellowship.  He loved Jesus.  His favorite day was Sunday.  He loved the people of God.
The girls have spent the past couple of days hanging flowers to dry.  It's pretty neat to walk into their room and see them all hanging. 

I have 2 favorites: this white rose dipped in black glitter (black was his favorite color) and the Sweet William plant. 


I intend to plant Sweet William at the base of his monument.  Here is the monument we've chosen to put up for him.  I'm so thankful we were able to bury him on our property.
One of William's doctors brought us a maple tree to plant next to his grave.  He came out today to help plant it.  What a sweet time.  Everyone has been so thoughtful.  During the fellowship time after William's funeral, a dear friend came to tell me that his family was better for knowing William.  That meant so much to me because I know that our family is better because of William, too.  What an incredible child he was!  How will I ever be able to stand missing him so much?
Bandit has not been himself lately.  He seems lost and paces a lot.  I think the children have taken to comforting him as a way of bringing comfort.  He's a good little dog.
Some very dear friends sent this poem of encouragement.  We are so grateful for all the comforting words and actions over these last several days, our darkest ever.  Thank you all for all you are to us!  We love you!

"Our brother is gone" - 
Her words cut like a knife into the heart of the Lord;

"If you had been here then he wouldn't have died,"
She cried to the Light of the World.

So they went to where Lazarus lay - and realized as Jesus wept
That He shares every heartache - He bears every grief,

He is there when your heart breaks
And you can't find relief;

When the pain is relentless -
The darkness so deep

He is right there beside you - 
The Savior who weeps.


What can you say when the prayers have been prayed
And no miracle comes along?

How can you comfort a mother & dad
Now that their baby is gone?

And there in the darkest of hours 
He shares every heartache - He bears every grief,

He is there when your heart breaks
And you can't find relief;

When the pain is relentless -
The darkness so deep

He is right there beside you - 
The Savior who weeps.

-Author Unknown

"For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities...Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."  Hebrews 4:15





Monday, October 19, 2015

Celebrating William

William has fought his last fight on this earth.  Sunday morning, the mucus overcame him and he breathed his last.  We are heartbroken and overwhelmed.  I have no words, but can only give facts.

The visitation and viewing will be at The Right Path, 16620 Old Shamrock Hwy, Drumright, on Wednesday from 6-8pm.

The funeral will also be at The Right Path on Thursday at 3:30pm.

We are so grateful for all the calls, emails, texts, prayers, food, and well wishes.  William was a beautiful, vibrant boy who touched so many lives.  In case you ever wonder what a difference a life can make... without William, there would be no Right Path, no Veterans program, no Trail Blazers, no Horse Tales Literacy, just for starters.  His legacy will affect hundreds for years to come.  May his bright, bubbly face and gentle spirit always be remembered.  Thank you, my Lord, for the gift of this blessed boy!

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Another illness

Wow!  I can't believe I haven't posted since August.  I don't know how the time gets away from me like it does.  I'm only 6 weeks away from delivery of this newest blessing and I can't believe that's happened so quickly, either!

First things first.  The eSight did not work out.  It was actually a huge disappointment.  Now I'm going to vent for a moment.  They tout this exciting new technology for the blind, but it only works for people who are between the 20/60 to 20/400 range.  Give me a break.  Legally blind is 20/200.  MY vision is 20/200 (though I'm not legally blind because mine can be corrected to 20/20 with glasses).  But my point is, I can see pretty well, even without corrective lenses.  Certainly enough to get around.  I would NEVER consider spending $15,000 on a machine to make my vision more clear, even if glasses didn't work for me.  William's vision is (best guess) 20/2000, possibly worse.  So, obviously, this won't work for him.  They should not tout it as technology for the BLIND.  They should tout it as technology for the VISUALLY IMPAIRED.  Big difference!

Okay, rant over.  It's been a month of birthdays around here!  We started with Wallace, who is now 7! All of sudden, he's not a little boy!













Next came Sarah...20!  She's become quite the young woman.  We are so proud of her!  She is so dedicated and strong in her faith!  Praise the Lord!













Today is Bryce's birthday.  He's 29!  I can't believe it!  He never really grew out of the "no pictures" stage, so sorry...no picture!

Lastly, we have a house full of illness.  All the littles are sick...Sarah, too.  Ugh.  On the up side, William woke up throwing up this morning, but it is the first time he has ever vomitted without aspirating!  That is truly a praise to the Lord!  We will still have to watch him closely, but so far, so good!