When I Cry

I've actually had some trouble with this song.  The girls found it and liked it, but it kind of annoyed me...almost made me angry when I would hear it.  I can't really explain why.  But it's growing on me and, to some extent, beginning to bring comfort.  I know He cares about my pain.  I'm beginning to understand that immense grief doesn't diminish my faith.  My not understanding doesn't take away anything from His goodness.

I think about when Jesus wept over Lazarus.  He knew the outcome, but He sorrowed for those sorrowing.  Even though William is with Him, I believe He is sorrowing over my sorrow.

Lyrics:
Makin' a list of all of the good things You've done for me
Lord, I've never been one to complain
But right now I'm lost and I can't find my way
My world's come apart and it's breakin' my heart
But it helps to know Your heart is breakin' too

When I cry, You cry
When I hurt, You hurt
When I've lost someone
It takes a piece of You, too
And when I fall on my face
You fill me with grace
'Cause nothin' breaks Your heart
Or tears You apart
Like when I cry

Alone in the dark, face in my hands, crying out to You
Lord, there's never been a time in my life
There's so much at stake, there's so much to lose
But I trust it to You
You'll bring me through
And it helps me to know that I'm not alone

When I cry, You cry
When I hurt, You hurt
When I've lost someone
It takes a piece of You, too
And when I fall on my face
You fill me with grace
'Cause nothin' breaks Your heart
Or tears You apart
Like when I cry

You're the one who calmed the raging sea
You're the one who made the blind to see
You looked through all of heaven and eternity
And through it all you saw me...

When I cry, You cry
When I hurt, You hurt
And when I've lost someone it takes a piece of You, too
When I fall on my face, You fill me with grace
Nothing breaks your heart, or tears you apart
Like when I cry

I Will Remember You

This is just a beautiful, melancholy song.  Remembering is both a sweet and painful, all at the same time.  But forgetting would be worse.

Lyrics:

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose

Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night

You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

And I will remember you

Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

And I will remember you

Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Weep not for the memories

Praise You in This Storm

This was always one of William's favorites.  Though the storm rages on, I do hear Him...barely.  And I will choose to trust Him, to praise Him.

Lyrics:
I was sure by now 
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I'm with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

Chorus:
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I'm with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

Chorus:

(2x's)
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of Heaven and Earth

Closer to You

This song has a double meaning for me.  It reminds me that every day I'm a day closer to both my Lord and my son.

Lyrics:

Closer to me
I'm tired and I'm weak
Every breath within me
Is longing just to be

Closer to You

So I face the road ahead
Cause I know there's no comparing
To what's waiting at the end

Let the rain start falling where it will
I will run through this valley just to climb to that hill
If they ask why I'm smiling after all I've been through
It's cause I'm just a day closer to you

Closer to me
I hear you whisper on the wind
You say although my life is fading
A new one will begin

Closer to You
And I know I'm not alone
Cause I can hear you in the distance
Saying, "You are nearly home."

Let the rain start falling where it will
I will run through this valley, just to climb to that hill
If they ask why I'm dancing though my days may be few
It's cause I'm just a day closer to You

Closer to me
You're in the laughter and the tears
Of the ones I leave behind me
Who have prayed me through the years

Closer to You
And I know it won't be long
Til You're running down the pathway
Just to take me in Your arms

Let the rain start falling where it will
I will run through this valley just to climb to that hill
If they ask why I'm singing though my life's almost through
It's cause I'm just a day closer, I'm just a day closer
I'm just a day closer to You

Gone Too Soon

I think every parent wonders what their child's life could've held, if only.  I miss all the things we didn't get to do together.  I miss that precious look of joy spreading all over his face.  This isn't the way it should be...

Lyrics:

Today could've been the day

That you blow out your candles

Make a wish as you close your eyes

Today could've been the day

Everybody was laughin'

Instead I just sit here and cry

Who would you be?

What would you look like

When you looked at me for the very first time

Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you

I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose

Such a ray of light we never knew

Gone too soon, yeah

Would you have been president?

Or a painter, a author or sing like your mother

One thing is evident

Would've give all I had

Would've loved you like no other

Who would you be?

What would you look like

Would you have my smile and her eyes?

Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you

I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose

Such a ray of light we never knew

Gone too soon, yeah

Not a day goes by, oh

I'm always asking why, oh

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you

I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose

Such a beautiful life we never knew

Gone too soon

You were gone too soon, yeah

And not a day goes by

That I don't think of you

No Longer Slaves

I've never been one to give in to fear.  Whatever the situation, I've always been able to just give it over to God and rest in His unfailing love, trust in His Providence.  Maybe I have not been as compassionate to my friends who struggle in this area as I should have.  Have I too flippantly said, "Trust...Rest...God is in control..."?  And while those things are true, we are to trust, we are to rest, the fear is a real monster, too.  But not necessarily because of a lack of faith.

I know that God is in control.  I do not believe that God was taken by surprise with William's death.  It was not "unexpected" to God.  I have no doubts about where William is or the fact that I will see him again one day.  But that doesn't diminish the pain of missing him.  It doesn't change the physical squeeze in my heart or the deep sense of wrong from what's been lost.  It doesn't change my desperation to not face my heart breaking ever again.

The new me struggles not to live in fear.  I struggle to give my children the freedom they naturally grow into.  I struggle to be away from my family, even knowing I have no real power to protect them.  I struggle to sleep at night, trying to fend off the awful dreams that may come.  And I pray, Lord, do not let me be a slave to fear, for I am Your child...

Lyrics:

You unravel me, with a melody
You surround me with a song
Of deliverance, from my enemies
Till all my fears are gone

I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God

From my Mothers womb
You have chosen me
Love has called my name
I’ve been born again, into your family
Your blood flows through my veins

You split the sea, so I could walk right through it
All my fears were drowned in perfect love
You rescued me, so I could stand and sing
I am a child of God

Cold is the Night

I realize this song is about losing a mate, but it still touched a nerve with me.  I find that one of the toughest emotions I fight is apathy.  It is hard to search for relief from the pain when there is none to be had.  I know I will always miss him.  Will I always feel so broken?

Lyrics:

Cold is the night without you here

Just your absence ringing in my ears

Hard is the heart that feels no fear

Without the bad, the good disappears

Long is the road that leads me home

And longer still when I walk alone

Bitter is the thought of all that time

Spent searching for something I'll never find

Take this burden away from me

And bury it before it buries me

Many are the days I've wanted to cease

Lay myself down and find some relief

Heavy is the head that gets no sleep

We carry our lives around in our memories

Take away this apathy

And bury it before it buries me

Steady is the hand that's come to terms

With the lessons it has had to learn

I've seen the things that I must do

But Lord, this road is meant for two

So I am waiting here for you

Take my hand and set me free

Take my burdens and bury them deep

Take my burden away from me

And bury it before

Bury it before

Bury it before it buries me

Who You'd Be Today

Another country song...ugh. Not one of my favorites and I don't really listen to this one but I thought someone might like it.
I found this on a bereaved parents site. It is an accurate description. The pain is very much like a heavy coat that is on all the time.

Lyrics:

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,

But death tore the pages all away.

God knows how I miss you,

All the hell that I've been through,

Just known' no one could take your place.

An' sometimes I wonder,

Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today

Today, today, today.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.

I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,

Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

Save a Place for Me

Last night we drove out to look at the clay of William's statue. It was so hard. The guy did an excellent job but it just doesn't look like HIM. We spent hours there, changing this and tweaking that. Bless his heart, he was so patient with us.  When we left, it was closer but not exact. We have to go back in a couple of weeks to try again. Please pray that we can articulate our desire and the artist can replicate a likeness.

Michael and I had a deep discussion about heaven last night as we were driving. I feel like the next time I see William, things will be so different. I feel like death has stolen his childhood from me. I miss holding him. I was not given the opportunity to "grow out of" those sweet childhood moments until you gradually release them into maturity.

I don't know how heaven works. All I can do is trust that I'll be there soon.

Lyrics:
Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
And I wanna live my life just like you did
Make the most of my time just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

Only Time

Michael found my wallet.  I'm truly thankful.  But I feel so inept.  So sluggish and foggy.  I make to-do lists, then I stare at them in a daze, wondering what to do.  My mind no longer comprehends...life.

Time is always such an enemy, isn't it?  Whether there's not enough of it to accomplish our daily tasks or there's too much of it in the longing while waiting to see those we love, not many make friends with time.  I am caught between the intense longing for eternity and the joy and beauty in the here and now.  Each pulls me, beckons me.  Each much have my attention.

The grief is fierce.  Why wouldn't it be?  The love is fierce.  How could the grief be any less?  I do not believe that time will "heal" my grief.  There is no fix.  But I do think time will bring a new ebb and flow to my life as I learn how to live with this constant companion.

Lyrics:

Who can say where the road goes?
Where the day flows?
Only time
And who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose?
Only time

Who can say why your heart sighs
As your love flies?
Only time
And who can say why your heart cries
When your love lies?
Only time

Who can say when the roads meet
That love might be in your heart?
And who can say when the day sleeps
If the night keeps all your heart,
Night keeps all your heart?

Who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose?
Only time
And who can say where the road goes?
Where the day flows?
Only time

Who knows? Only time [2x]

Where Feet May Fail

Through the rough waters...

Lyrics:
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

(Chorus)
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

(Chorus)

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

(Chorus)

Plea for prayer

I'm at my wit's end. I have lost my wallet. Haven't seen it since Saturday. It has everything in it...debit cards, checkbook, a significant amount of cash (Friday was payday and I had just gone to the ATM). I know I didn't leave it there. I really thought I remember bringing it home but I can't find it anywhere. I've searched the house, my office, both vehicles. I'm at a loss and completely stressing out. Starting to panic. Prayer is greatly appreciated!

Not for a Moment

The past 4 months have been rough.  Losing a child is enough to drive a person to the ground, but there's been so much more going on.  There isn't a single area of my life that hasn't been touched by heartache.  Some day I might share.

But when it all seems dark and I feel like I'm on an island, I feel Him carry me.

Lyrics:
You were reaching through the storm 
Walking on the water 
Even when I could not see 
In the middle of it all 
When I thought You were a thousand miles away 
Not for a moment did You forsake me 
Not for a moment did You forsake me 

CHORUS 
After all You are constant 
After all You are only good 
After all You are sovereign 
Not for a moment will You forsake me 
Not for a moment will You forsake me 

You were singing in the dark 
Whispering Your promise 
Even when I could not hear 
I was held in Your arms 
Carried for a thousand miles to show 
Not for a moment did You forsake me 

Chorus 

And every step every breath You are there 
Every tear every cry every prayer 
In my heart at my worst 
When my world falls down 
Not for a moment will You forsake me 
Even in the dark 
Even when it's hard 
You will never leave me 
After all 

Chorus

Not for a moment will You forsake me

Beautiful Things

I heard this song for the first time at the funeral of a beautiful 10 year old boy who used to ride with us.  He passed just 2 months after William.  It was hard to go to the funeral and I knew there was nothing I could say to make anything better for his parents, but I also know how much it means to a parent for others to show their love and support during such a terrible time.  To know that their child was loved and meant something to others.  To know that he won't be forgotten.  Priceless.

I do not see what beauty could possibly come from William's death, but I hope and pray that God will  redeem the ashes of my life into something beautiful.

Lyrics:
All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new 

Have Mercy on Me

To fulfill our certification requirements, we have to keep current on our CPR certification. I did not give it a second thought when we all signed up for the class. Actually, it didn't hit me until last night. I fell asleep in Michael's arms last night, crying my heart out. I awoke at 2am and sleep eluded me for the rest of the night. Even the sweet sun rising did not grant the beauty of sleep. And, of course, I struggled through the CPR class. I kept telling myself to be strong but it did not happen. I am tired. I am worn. I am broken. I miss him more than I could possibly have words to tell. The ache in my heart is so deep, so vicious. There is nothing for me to do but fall into His mercy.

Lyrics:
I'm tired of being afraid 
I'm wondering how I got this way 
I'm trying to remember what life was like before 

Panic moved in without even knocking on the door

Have mercy on me
I'm not who I used to be
Have mercy on me
Jesus, please

I've been praying and asking you to take it all away
You never do exactly what I say
You see me from the outside, a lover looking in
But all I see is danger moving underneath my skin

CHORUS

I know it's not because I don't love you enough
It's not because I'm weak, it's how you choose to speak to me

I Cried for You

Found this on a bereaved parent's site.  I know nothing about the artist.  The song makes me think of William's funeral.  It rained that day.  A beautiful, soft, constant rain...like the sky was crying.  He loved water of any sort.  Swimming, bathing, sprinklers, rain.  He loved to play in the rain.  It didn't happen often, just once or possibly twice.  I was always so concerned about his health.  But I'm glad we let him do it.  Such joy.

How is it possible to miss someone so much and yet keep going?  I have to remind myself daily...just put one foot in front of the other.

Lyrics:

You're beautiful so silently
It lies beneath a shade of blue
It struck me so violently
When I looked at you

But others pass, the never pause,
To feel that magic in your hand
To me you're like a wild rose
They never understand why

I cried for you
When the sky cried for you
And when you went
I became a hopeless drifter
But this life was not for you
Though I learned from you,
That beauty need only be a whisper

I'll cross the sea for a different world,
With your treasure, a secret for me to hold

In many years they may forget
This love of ours or that we met,
They may not know
how much you meant to me.

I cried for you
And the sky cried for you,
And when you went
I became a hopeless drifter.
But this life was not for you,
Though I learned from you,

That beauty need only be a whisper

Without you now I see,

How fragile the world can be 

And I know you've gone away

But in my heart you'll always stay.

I cried for you
And the sky cried for you,
And when you went
I became a hopeless drifter.
But this life was not for you,
Though I learned from you,

That beauty need only be a whisper

That beauty need only be a whisper

Godspeed

Several things happened today. I'll share more detail later but everywhere I went today I was touched by William. I feel a combination of sweet peace and heavy, crushing grief. I truly did not know it was possible to hurt so much. The missing of him is unbearable. Yet, how can I help but smile when I think of him?

A slight disclaimer...I really detest country music.  I don't know anything about the group that sings this particular song except they were in some trouble over something they said or did a few years ago.  I have no idea what it was.  But I recognized their name.

But this song is good.  And it makes me smile.  Somehow it makes me think of his time here with me AND his joy in heaven all at the same time.  And of putting my arms around him again.

Lyrics:

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"

Pirate's sail and lost boys fly

Fish bite moonbeams every night

And I love you

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings

Godspeed

Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out

Superman's in pajamas on the couch

Goodnight moon, we'll find the mouse

And I love you

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings

Godspeed

Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars

God bless dad and thanks for the stars

God hears "Amen," wherever we are

And I love you

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings

Godspeed

Godspeed

Godspeed

Sweet dreams

I Will Trust in You

Long night.  Little sleep.  So tired.  But I know He's got me.  I will trust Him.

Lyrics:
Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wondering
Never changes what You see

I've tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior King of the fight
No matter what I face You're by my side

(chorus)
When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust
I will trust in You

Truth is You know what tomorrow brings
There's not a day ahead You have not seen
So in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

(chorus)
When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust
I will trust in You
I will trust in You

(bridge)
You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation
The Rock on which I stand
Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There's not a place where I'll go
You've not already stood

(chorus)
When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust
I will trust in You
I will trust in You
I will trust in You
I will trust in You

If I Could Be Where You Are

Classes went well.  It was so good to see everyone again!  I teared up for one brief moment during a class this morning with one of the boys who reminded me so much of William.  The hardest part of the day was during "William's class."  There was a point when I looked out at the class and thought, "He should be here."  William should be here, telling Oreo to "walk on."  He should be here, laughing with Miss Sue over what to call the horse.  He should be here, counting Oreo's steps from the number on the dice.  He should be here.

We had a long talk about whether or not to retire Oreo.  In the end, we decided it wouldn't be the right thing to do.  It wouldn't be good for her (she's such a great horse) and it wouldn't be what William would've wanted.  He was always so happy to share her!  He was always so glad to have others enjoy their ride on her.  Abby intentionally paired him with another little boy who has stolen her heart.  I was happy to see him ride today.

I held up and kept it together pretty well today.  But when the day was over, it was a different story.  I gave in to the grief.  Just for a bit.  This song describes a little of the longing.  Except the "I don't know where you are" part.  I do know where he is.  I just can't get to him yet.

Lyrics:

Where are you this moment?
Only in my dreams.
You're missing, but you're always
A heartbeat from me.
I'm lost now without you,
I don't know where you are.
I keep watching, I keep hoping,
But time keeps us apart

Is there a way I can find you,
Is there a sign I should know,
Is there a road I could follow
To bring you back home?

Winter lies before me
Now you're so far away.
In the darkness of my dreaming
The light of you will stay

If I could be close beside you
If I could be where you are
If I could reach out and touch you
And bring you back home
Is there a way I can find you
Is there a sign I should know
Is there a road I can follow
To bring you back home to me