Tuesday, April 12, 2016

William's Birthday

I have thought over the past few days about what to say regarding William's birthday.  It is difficult to find the words.  It was emotional, joyful, sweet, and heart-wrenching, all at the same time.  We were so very blessed by all the pictures, gifts, words of encouragement, and prayers.  Give Kids the World sent our family a special gift, Ice Cream for Breakfast t-shirts, just like William's.  They also posted a sweet birthday message...

https://www.facebook.com/gktwvillage/photos/a.63793412990.70269.35697977990/10153678032882991/?type=3&theater

We were so overwhelmed by everyone's thoughtfulness.  It makes me think about all of the areas I fall short in.  I pray that God will open my eyes to others.  That He will give me a heart that reaches out to their hurts and needs.  So many people did things that I would not have ever thought of, but they reached out to us and reminded us not only that they love us, but that they are still mourning the great void that is left, as well.  One friend said that she had a hard time celebrating, but her daughter reminded her that William was joyful and it is what he would have wanted.  So true.

I cannot believe my little boy is gone.  Everyday I am reminded that he is no longer here.   I am still trying to find the place where it is not a daily fight to give in.  There are glimpses of joy, but they are so overshadowed by darkness, sadness, apathy, and guilt.

Yesterday I pulled up my bootstraps and switched out the boys' winter clothes to summer.  I was not prepared for it to knock the wind out of me.  It was an all day event as I trudged through, moving like I was stuck in tar.  It was so hard to pull his clothes out of storage...clothes he will never wear again.  Oddly enough, the hardest sizes were Knox's.  I don't know why his brought more memories than the rest.  Every shirt I pulled out had some memory attached to it.  Difficult day.

William's school books are gathering dust on the shelf.  I haven't even touched them.  I look at them sometimes and wonder if I should move them or store them or get rid of them.  I just don't know.  Somehow I just can't bear to do anything with them yet.  I did finally move his toothbrush off the counter, though.  It's now up on the shelf with mine.

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