Broken Hallelujah

The guilt is getting to me.  It's overwhelming.  I can't get away from it.  My head and my heart are at complete odds.  My head tells me to rest...I have long believed in and trusted in God's sovereignty.  His purpose.  His plan.  The fact that He numbers our days and there is nothing we can do to add to or take away from that number.  I know His plan will not be thwarted.  He never looks for a Plan B.

My heart is a whole different story.  It brings up all the "what if"s until I just want to scream.  What if it was his doctor working on him and not paramedics?  What if I had not listened when he said he didn't need to go to the hospital that Saturday night?  What if he had been in the hospital when he stopped breathing, when his heart stopped beating?  Would it be different?  I don't know...But my heart screams at me that it would be different.  That he would still be here and I would be holding my little boy instead of grieving him.

I have difficulty breathing.  My heart feels as though it's being squeezed.  I never would have guessed the extreme physical pain that comes with grieving the passing of a child.    I've seen this meme on Facebook that makes me sigh with an understanding, "Yes."

It is not my intent to minimize anyone's loss or the grief that comes with it.  Every heart knows it's own sorrow.

This week has been excrutiating.  William's birthday is tomorrow.  He's been gone nearly 6 months and I hate it.  It bothers me that my youngest children already have a hard time remembering him.  Will I forget, too?  How long will it take?  A year?  Ten years?  Twenty?  The thought breaks my heart and it suffocates me.  I can't stand it.  I long to hear his sweet little voice.

Some of you have asked what you can do for us on William's birthday.  For those who knew William, the best gift we could receive is for you to jot down a memory of him and send it our way.  We would treasure that.  And I hope you're having ice cream for breakfast...

Lyrics:
I can barely stand right now
Everything is crashing down
And I wonder where You are
I try to find the words to pray
I don't always know what to say
But You're the one who can hear my heart

Even though I don't know what your plan is
I know You're making beauty from these ashes

I've seen joy and I've seen pain
On my knees, I call Your name
Here's my broken hallelujah
With nothing left to hold onto
I raise these empty hands to You
Here's my broken hallelujah

You know the things that have brought me here
You know the story of every tear
‘Cause You've been here from the very start

When all is taken away
Don't let my heart be changed
Let me always sing hallelujah
When I feel afraid
Don't let my hope be erased
Let me always sing hallelujah

Hallelujah
I will always sing
Here's my broken hallelujah