Some days I feel like I might just make it after all. Like this new life won't absolutely crush me. Other days I think I'm just kidding myself. But He is faithful and He is carrying me. I do not know how but I truly hope that one day I will again find it easy to rejoice, easy to see goodness, easy to be thankful. Those things only happen now out of rote habit.
I received this simple, sweet message today:
"Cling tight. He loves you. He makes all things new."
I know that is true. I don't feel it, but I know it.
We saw a family counselor today. We really wanted to do something that would help our family through the suffering, but even I had to admit it was a complete bust. Granted, she had a pretty tough crowd to begin with, but the moment she said, "William would not want you to be sad," she lost the ear of at least 7 people. There is more than one person in my home who hears that like fingernails on a chalkboard.
I know it's hard. I know people want to help. But the moment that phrase is used, the walls go up. Especially from someone who has never even met William.
The thing is, William did love life. He was joyful. He loved to have fun. Almost always. But he was also one of the most compassionate people I've ever known. If someone was hurting, he hurt for them. If someone was crying, he stopped whatever he was doing to check on them. He might even cry with them. He was so tender and he never tried to rush anyone through their grieving. He just grieved with them. I think William would be the last person to say, "I do not want you to be sad." I could more easily picture him saying, "Take as long as you need. I'm here for you."