The Hurt and the Healer

I feel like such a fraud. I get up and do the things that need doing.  Well...to an extent. I go to the places that need going to. I try to invest in the lives of others. I put on a smile and try to pretend that I'm not living in the shadow of death. The Shadowlands. And all the while, my heart is broken, my spirit is crushed, my drive is gone.
I am different. I have long been a pilgrim on this earth, but now I am a stranger. I am not likely to care about things in the same way others do. When I see people putting forth effort, it means a great deal to me. Grace comes easier for me now. I find myself more likely to walk away from an argument than participate in it. I have a hard time "connecting." Conversation is more difficult for me than it has ever been. I crave and cherish quiet, or at least white noise. Meaningful is hard for me to get to. I am never rested. I wake up exhausted. The brief moments of joy do not pull me from the Shadowlands.

"So I wait.

I wait for my heart to heal enough so that I can focus on something other than healing.

I wait for passion to return to my soul.

I wait for a day-just one day-when joyful moments outweigh sorrowful ones.

I wait for the promised beauty from ashes.

I wait for faith to be made sight.

And while I wait, I turn my heart and mind and strength toward the One Who is Faithful and True."

(quotation borrowed from my friend, Melanie, at thelifeididntchoose.com)

Lyrics:
Why?
The question that is never far away
But healing doesn't come from the explained
Jesus, please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have, all that remains

So here I am, what's left of me
When glory meets my suffering

(Chorus)
I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord, take hold and pull me through

So here I am, what's left of me
When glory meets my suffering

Chorus

It's the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood

When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of weakness we must bow
And hear you say "It's over now"

Chorus

Jesus, come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
Find your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide
(X3)