Question 2

Question:  Why did you stop quoting Scripture at the end of your posts?

Wow.  Tough question.  One that may have a much longer answer than anyone bargained for.

The short answer is, yes, it was in response to William's death.  But the why behind it might be surprising.

It's not because I'm angry with God or no longer read/believe the Bible or have lost my faith.

In fact, I am probably more in tune with my faith than ever before.  I think I understand my sin better than before.  Maybe I even recognize it more easily.

And my faith is stronger in many ways.  I say stronger because before William's death, I lived with the fairytale belief that nothing "really bad" would ever happen.  That God could and would overcome every pain on this earth and would step in while I could still bear it.  In short, I guess I believed the untrue mantra of "God will not give you more than you can handle."  I remember when William was on life support, thinking that I knew he would pull through because I would not be able to handle the grief of his death.  I was so convinced that God would leave him here with me simply because it was more than I could bear.

I mean, deep down, I knew that wasn't true, but I didn't even realize I believed that until God took him home the next year.

There are a lot of things we can allow ourselves to believe about God that aren't true, if we're not careful.

When William died, I truly walked around in a fog.  I couldn't read.  I couldn't count.  I couldn't put coherent sentences together.  I never knew what day it was.  I had planned on closing William's blog but was encouraged to keep it open.  At first I only posted songs that were meaningful to me at the time.  Again, because I couldn't come up with a coherent sentence.  My thoughts were a jumbled mess.

By the time I was ready to really start writing, I had been in the midst of grief long enough to realize how Scripture is twisted and misused and weaponized against grievers all too often.  I did not want his blog to be that source.

When I first opened the blog, its intent was to update family and friends from all over the country on what was going on with William; his adventures, his illnesses, his victories.  I've never been good at calling and it was just too much to call or text everyone anyway.  Then the blog got picked up by a deaf community resource and people I didn't know started reading.  (This is when I turned off comments...another long story.)

But after William's death I felt done.  What else could I write about?  I began to share about my grief and the response surprised me.  It surprised me because Christians, as a whole, do not know how to deal with grief.  So the blog became a place for other Christian, grieving parents to know they weren't alone and they weren't crazy.  That it's not unChristian of them to be sad or to cry or to miss their child.

That said, there can also be a lot of sin that comes with grief.  I see it everyday.  I won't list all of the things I see because I don't feel that's the stage God has me in right now.  I am not strong enough to argue people's sins in grief with them in a loving manner and risk making things worse.  God will change their hearts if He so desires.  But I will list 2 specific sins that I have personally struggled with.

The first is anger.

Yes, I have been angry.  I don't know if I would say specifically AT God, but I questioned Him.  I felt His plan was unjust and unfair.

My mind knows that God doesn't owe me anything and of His goodness, but my heart would (and can still) go back to that anger sometimes.  Not at God, necessarily.  Just at life.  At death.  At the unjustness and unfairness of it all.

I have seen many times in Christian bereaved sites where they say it's okay.  It's okay to be angry at God.  He can handle our anger.  Our anger doesn't hurt Him.  He understands our pain and anger.

Not true.

Does He understand?  Of course.  But that doesn't make it right.  Look at Job.  God called him out for his sin, his questioning of God.  And Job repented.

So grievers must do, if that becomes their sin.

The second is trust (or lack thereof).

I have struggled to trust God with my children.  I have already seen that He can crush my heart in a moment.  This is a hard one for me and, if I'm honest with myself, it's one I've always kind of struggled with.  I like to be in control, managing every detail.  It's always been hard for me to relinquish that, even to God.

But that is part of the process of sanctification, isn't it.  Realizing our sin, repenting, and changing as we go forward.

So there you have it.

My short answer is, I stopped posting Scripture because I didn't feel it was most beneficial to the audience I was reaching.

When I decided to continue this blog, I chose to do so for 2 reasons.  One, I hoped it would be helpful for Christians who have never experienced the loss of a child to gain a small insight into the struggles that bereaved Christian parents possibly have.  Two, I hoped it would be helpful to other bereaved Christian parents who are struggling with their reality to know that they are not alone, that they are not faithless, that they are not turning their back on God simply because they are hurting.  I am blessed that in some small way it has done both.

I didn't want grieving parents to feel I was using Scripture against them as a weapon.  I've had so many other moms connect with me and say how good it felt to connect with someone who understands.  I don't know...maybe it's time to go back to posting Scripture.  Pray for me in that area.  Also, I've been asked to do a guest post for a paid blog (which will link here as well) and I'm really not sure where to start.  It's a "Mommy" blog about family and raising children and they want me to tell William's story.  Can I even do that in one post that isn't 1,000 pages long?????