The first question, in its entirety: "You seem to have such a close relationship with your adult children. Is that real? How did you do that? Did they ever have a rebellious time or was it always good? How was it when they were teenagers?"
The short answers are: Yes, it's real. God grace alone. No rebellion. Teenage years were sweet.
But that doesn't tell the whole story.
The whole story is a bit longer. Yes, I am close to my adult daughters. And I'm so very thankful for it. As far as how I did that, I'm really not sure. That's why I say it is by God's grace. Sure, there are Biblical principles that Michael and I followed in parenting, but the truth is, there is no formula. Sadly, there is no 10-step manual that is guaranteed to turn out the perfect results if you follow it. Obviously, there's the Bible and I've heard people say that it is the perfect child training manual. While I believe that's true, I also know that nothing in this life is cookie cutter. Different people, different hearts, different stages in our walk with the Lord, different circumstances...everything plays into outcomes.
We have always tried to follow Biblical principles, as much as we understood them. Protection has been a key part of our parenting philosophy but so has truth. We have done our best to protect our children from ungodly influences and give them a wholesome, sweet childhood, as much as that is possible. This is a hard world to do that in. We were always very careful about who their friends were, where they went, what went into their hearts and minds (movies, books, education). But at the same time, we realized that they couldn't grow up in a bubble without any knowledge of this crazy world so we've been completely honest with them in all of their questions.
We have never tried to hide evil from them (or sugarcoat it), but instead we've been bluntly honest. One example I can think of, off the top of my head, is when two people are "sleeping together" or "living together." Instead of using those nice sounding words, we used the same words God does and called it fornication. There was no need to embellish by adding our own thoughts on the matter, but it made it easy for them to see sin as sin. Admittedly, this has gotten us into hot water with extended family on more than one occasion, but we are not adding our own judgment to it. This also allowed our children the ability to see for themselves where prayer was needed. We've also tried to be sensitive to our own sin and acknowledge it openly, seeking forgiveness openly, not categorizing sin (my sin isn't as big of deal as such and such sin).
We've placed emphasis on the home. Everything starts there. Attitude, friendships, service, contentment. We expected complete obedience and submission when they were young but have allowed that to morph as they became adults. This is hard to explain without a lot of detail because there are many different camps on obedience and submission (just like every other term that needs defining to understand the intent).
It seems like with everything there are 2 camps: liberal and conservative. I feel like we always fall somewhere in the middle. That also means we never really fit in anywhere. 😁 I know I have friends who require perfect obedience until the day their children move from their home (or sometimes beyond). I also have friends who feel their children should always have the autonomy to make their own decisions and "be their own person," even as toddlers. (YIKES!) Again, we're in the middle. We did require complete obedience when they were young but it is vastly different now. I guess we still call for obedience...I mean, if I ask them to do something, I expect them to do it. But I am also careful to consider them; their thoughts, desires, convictions, time, schedules, etc.
I view it much like my submission to Michael.
Biblically, my requirement is to submit to him. But he can choose to make that easy and enjoyable or hard and hated. It's kind of the same. I am careful to treat them as adults. I want them to make their own decisions. I do not expect them to be identical to me in every way. I don't even want them to. I want them to be like Christ.
And I guess that's the tricky part. I have to put my own notions and goals aside and allow the Holy Spirit to work (without ME trying to BE the Holy Spirit in their lives). That's tough.
As for rebellion, I actually asked for the girls' help on this one. I would say no, none of them have gone through a rebellious phase. But all 4 of them said yes. 😳
It always comes back to the heart, doesn't it? I say no because their outward response has always been obedience, but each of them said there was a time when they struggled with it in their own heart. And, of course, I could tell their heart wasn't right. During those times, I just tried to sit with them and talk about what was going on inside. And prayed.
Sometimes I didn't respond in a Christ-like manner. Lord knows, I've made a lot of mistakes. Isn't grace such an important part of our lives???? I try to admit when I'm wrong and allow them the freedom to (respectfully) let me know when I've hurt them or are inconsistent or they don't agree. And I listen. Sometimes it sways me, sometimes not. But I always try to look at what I'm asking of them. Is it because it's right and righteous or is it because it's convenient for me? That's where I might change my mind on something.
As for their teen years, I would say they were pretty easy. I mean there are always issues and idiosyncrasies and kinks to work out but I have found that those issues are greatly minimized if heart issues are taken care of at an early age. I always say, if it's not going to be funny at 15, don't laugh it off at 2 or 3. I know this isn't always easy. I don't always get it right. I fail often. I am softer now with my littles than I was on my older girls. Part of that comes with age and wisdom, but I am sure part of it also comes with knowing the loss of a child. I pray that it doesn't work to their detriment.
I also have a friend who used to teach child training classes through a big organization. She would say that consistency is key and that 99% consistency was equal to 100% failure. Wow. Now that's a lot of pressure. I can't say I line up totally with that philosophy, although I believe consistency is extremely important. I also know that God is the only perfect parent and we will never achieve perfection this side of heaven. It doesn't mean we don't keep trying, but we also have to allow for grace to work in our lives as well as our children's.
I'm also very involved in their lives. I love spending time with them. I like their friends. I truly want to hear their hearts, even if I don't agree with something. I'm not going to badger them about their decisions. I will offer my input but they really make their own decisions. Living here is an example. They all know that we want them to stay in our home until the time they marry. But it's not sin for them to move out on their own. If they choose to do so, we will help them as much as we can. And I would not call that rebellion. I would say it's not the wisest choice, but it's not rebellion.
So I guess to specifically answer the question of how to have a close relationship with adult children, I would say...everything starts when they are young. Nurture, admonition, training. But a parent has to be wise to watch for when it's time to start allowing that relationship to change. Too early is damaging. Too late can also be damaging. But if you didn't start when they were young, don't despair. God can still change hearts and redeem the years the locusts have eaten...
I don't try to control them. I let them make their own decisions about where to go and when to go. I might offer counsel, but at this point they are mature and responsible and I need to trust that. More so with Sarah and Abby, somewhat Sydnee. I still give more guidance and oversight to Sherrod simply because of her age, but the control is lightening up. And she spends so much time with the older girls, I forget she's not truly an "adult." Although, admittedly, this step is only easy because they each have their own walk with the Lord and have their own convictions they are committed to. If they were still children trying to live by my convictions I could not be so free with them. I try to be very careful about when to step in. A couple of easy examples I can think of are: skirts and jobs.
Sarah is working now and while I never thought that would be, I can't see that it is anti-Biblical either. I may do another entire post about her job and daughters working outside the home some day, but for now we'll just leave it at she is doing so with our complete blessing and is well within her submission to her father.
A couple of my girls wear skirts that are shorter (even significantly shorter) than my personal preference. Maybe even pants. I know I just sent a gasp through some people with that comment. But the fact is that we live on a ranch and there are just times when a skirt is not practical. Or they are doing activities where a skirt (or even culottes) is actually more immodest than pants would be. And I'm not one of those people who believe that girls shouldn't do things that they can't do in a dress. So instead of worrying about how long their skirt is or exactly what they're wearing, I am much more concerned with their hearts and the "why" behind their decisions. I want them to pay attention to modesty and consider their Christian brothers when making decisions about their clothing. I never want them to intentionally try to draw attention to features or be a stumbling block, but I also want them to realize that they are not responsible for the lust of men. (All that being said, it is highly unlikely that anyone outside of our immediate family will see them in pants because they are very careful about modesty. Also, they aren't all the same and view things differently so what one might do another most certainly wouldn't. Isn't individuality a wonderful thing?)
The last thing I can think of is, I don't force them to go places and I don't micromanage their schedules. We do our best to guard a portion of every day where our family comes together but I don't expect them to be at my beck and call. I try to respect their schedules just as I want them to respect me. Since I don't actually know the person, personally, who asked the question, I do not know what camp you are in. More liberal friends would say this is a no-brainer, while more conservative friends would say that no daughter of any age goes anywhere without the entire family, or at least without a male protector. But, honestly, while I love that beautiful idea of my girls always being with a male protector (and we definitely utilize that blessing as often as possible), it isn't always feasible. In fact, I am often out and about without Michael OR an adult son. I think we have to teach our daughters to manage the world we live in instead of wishing for something that will never be. Also, I don't see this Biblically. I mean, just look at Rachel for one example. And there are plenty others. She's just an easy one.
So, in a nutshell, respect...honor...love. Mutually. And that's really what adult relationships are about, right? Mutually showing honor and respect and love. That's what we strive for.
Tomorrow's question: Why did you stop quoting Scripture at the end of your posts?
