Question 2

Question:  Why did you stop quoting Scripture at the end of your posts?

Wow.  Tough question.  One that may have a much longer answer than anyone bargained for.

The short answer is, yes, it was in response to William's death.  But the why behind it might be surprising.

It's not because I'm angry with God or no longer read/believe the Bible or have lost my faith.

In fact, I am probably more in tune with my faith than ever before.  I think I understand my sin better than before.  Maybe I even recognize it more easily.

And my faith is stronger in many ways.  I say stronger because before William's death, I lived with the fairytale belief that nothing "really bad" would ever happen.  That God could and would overcome every pain on this earth and would step in while I could still bear it.  In short, I guess I believed the untrue mantra of "God will not give you more than you can handle."  I remember when William was on life support, thinking that I knew he would pull through because I would not be able to handle the grief of his death.  I was so convinced that God would leave him here with me simply because it was more than I could bear.

I mean, deep down, I knew that wasn't true, but I didn't even realize I believed that until God took him home the next year.

There are a lot of things we can allow ourselves to believe about God that aren't true, if we're not careful.

When William died, I truly walked around in a fog.  I couldn't read.  I couldn't count.  I couldn't put coherent sentences together.  I never knew what day it was.  I had planned on closing William's blog but was encouraged to keep it open.  At first I only posted songs that were meaningful to me at the time.  Again, because I couldn't come up with a coherent sentence.  My thoughts were a jumbled mess.

By the time I was ready to really start writing, I had been in the midst of grief long enough to realize how Scripture is twisted and misused and weaponized against grievers all too often.  I did not want his blog to be that source.

When I first opened the blog, its intent was to update family and friends from all over the country on what was going on with William; his adventures, his illnesses, his victories.  I've never been good at calling and it was just too much to call or text everyone anyway.  Then the blog got picked up by a deaf community resource and people I didn't know started reading.  (This is when I turned off comments...another long story.)

But after William's death I felt done.  What else could I write about?  I began to share about my grief and the response surprised me.  It surprised me because Christians, as a whole, do not know how to deal with grief.  So the blog became a place for other Christian, grieving parents to know they weren't alone and they weren't crazy.  That it's not unChristian of them to be sad or to cry or to miss their child.

That said, there can also be a lot of sin that comes with grief.  I see it everyday.  I won't list all of the things I see because I don't feel that's the stage God has me in right now.  I am not strong enough to argue people's sins in grief with them in a loving manner and risk making things worse.  God will change their hearts if He so desires.  But I will list 2 specific sins that I have personally struggled with.

The first is anger.

Yes, I have been angry.  I don't know if I would say specifically AT God, but I questioned Him.  I felt His plan was unjust and unfair.

My mind knows that God doesn't owe me anything and of His goodness, but my heart would (and can still) go back to that anger sometimes.  Not at God, necessarily.  Just at life.  At death.  At the unjustness and unfairness of it all.

I have seen many times in Christian bereaved sites where they say it's okay.  It's okay to be angry at God.  He can handle our anger.  Our anger doesn't hurt Him.  He understands our pain and anger.

Not true.

Does He understand?  Of course.  But that doesn't make it right.  Look at Job.  God called him out for his sin, his questioning of God.  And Job repented.

So grievers must do, if that becomes their sin.

The second is trust (or lack thereof).

I have struggled to trust God with my children.  I have already seen that He can crush my heart in a moment.  This is a hard one for me and, if I'm honest with myself, it's one I've always kind of struggled with.  I like to be in control, managing every detail.  It's always been hard for me to relinquish that, even to God.

But that is part of the process of sanctification, isn't it.  Realizing our sin, repenting, and changing as we go forward.

So there you have it.

My short answer is, I stopped posting Scripture because I didn't feel it was most beneficial to the audience I was reaching.

When I decided to continue this blog, I chose to do so for 2 reasons.  One, I hoped it would be helpful for Christians who have never experienced the loss of a child to gain a small insight into the struggles that bereaved Christian parents possibly have.  Two, I hoped it would be helpful to other bereaved Christian parents who are struggling with their reality to know that they are not alone, that they are not faithless, that they are not turning their back on God simply because they are hurting.  I am blessed that in some small way it has done both.

I didn't want grieving parents to feel I was using Scripture against them as a weapon.  I've had so many other moms connect with me and say how good it felt to connect with someone who understands.  I don't know...maybe it's time to go back to posting Scripture.  Pray for me in that area.  Also, I've been asked to do a guest post for a paid blog (which will link here as well) and I'm really not sure where to start.  It's a "Mommy" blog about family and raising children and they want me to tell William's story.  Can I even do that in one post that isn't 1,000 pages long?????

Question 1

I haven't forgotten about the questions.  It's been a bit crazier than normal around here.  There were 2 that I've decided to address but I fear the answers may make for a bit of a long post so I'm going to split them.  I'll address the first one today and the second one tomorrow, as the coming month is full of birthdays and I don't want to put them off.  Also, I tend to be able to think better in the middle of the night when all is quiet.  😂

The first question, in its entirety: "You seem to have such a close relationship with your adult children.  Is that real?  How did you do that?  Did they ever have a rebellious time or was it always good?  How was it when they were teenagers?"

The short answers are: Yes, it's real.  God grace alone.  No rebellion.  Teenage years were sweet.

But that doesn't tell the whole story.

The whole story is a bit longer.  Yes, I am close to my adult daughters.  And I'm so very thankful for it.  As far as how I did that, I'm really not sure.  That's why I say it is by God's grace.  Sure, there are Biblical principles that Michael and I followed in parenting, but the truth is, there is no formula.  Sadly, there is no 10-step manual that is guaranteed to turn out the perfect results if you follow it.  Obviously, there's the Bible and I've heard people say that it is the perfect child training manual.  While I believe that's true, I also know that nothing in this life is cookie cutter.  Different people, different hearts, different stages in our walk with the Lord, different circumstances...everything plays into outcomes.

We have always tried to follow Biblical principles, as much as we understood them.  Protection has been a key part of our parenting philosophy but so has truth.  We have done our best to protect our children from ungodly influences and give them a wholesome, sweet childhood, as much as that is possible.  This is a hard world to do that in.  We were always very careful about who their friends were, where they went, what went into their hearts and minds (movies, books, education).  But at the same time, we realized that they couldn't grow up in a bubble without any knowledge of this crazy world so we've been completely honest with them in all of their questions.

We have never tried to hide evil from them (or sugarcoat it), but instead we've been bluntly honest.  One example I can think of, off the top of my head, is when two people are "sleeping together" or "living together."  Instead of using those nice sounding words, we used the same words God does and called it fornication.  There was no need to embellish by adding our own thoughts on the matter, but it made it easy for them to see sin as sin.  Admittedly, this has gotten us into hot water with extended family on more than one occasion, but we are not adding our own judgment to it.  This also allowed our children the ability to see for themselves where prayer was needed.  We've also tried to be sensitive to our own sin and acknowledge it openly, seeking forgiveness openly, not categorizing sin (my sin isn't as big of deal as such and such sin).

We've placed emphasis on the home.  Everything starts there.  Attitude, friendships, service, contentment.  We expected complete obedience and submission when they were young but have allowed that to morph as they became adults.  This is hard to explain without a lot of detail because there are many different camps on obedience and submission (just like every other term that needs defining to understand the intent).

It seems like with everything there are 2 camps: liberal and conservative.  I feel like we always fall somewhere in the middle.  That also means we never really fit in anywhere.  😁  I know I have friends who require perfect obedience until the day their children move from their home (or sometimes beyond).  I also have friends who feel their children should always have the autonomy to make their own decisions and "be their own person," even as toddlers.  (YIKES!)  Again, we're in the middle.  We did require complete obedience when they were young but it is vastly different now.  I guess we still call for obedience...I mean, if I ask them to do something, I expect them to do it.  But I am also careful to consider them; their thoughts, desires, convictions, time, schedules, etc.

I view it much like my submission to Michael.

Biblically, my requirement is to submit to him.  But he can choose to make that easy and enjoyable or hard and hated.  It's kind of the same.  I am careful to treat them as adults.  I want them to make their own decisions.  I do not expect them to be identical to me in every way.  I don't even want them to.  I want them to be like Christ.

And I guess that's the tricky part.  I have to put my own notions and goals aside and allow the Holy Spirit to work (without ME trying to BE the Holy Spirit in their lives).  That's tough.

As for rebellion, I actually asked for the girls' help on this one.  I would say no, none of them have gone through a rebellious phase.  But all 4 of them said yes.  😳

It always comes back to the heart, doesn't it?  I say no because their outward response has always been obedience, but each of them said there was a time when they struggled with it in their own heart.  And, of course, I could tell their heart wasn't right.  During those times, I just tried to sit with them and talk about what was going on inside.  And prayed.

Sometimes I didn't respond in a Christ-like manner.  Lord knows, I've made a lot of mistakes.  Isn't grace such an important part of our lives???? I try to admit when I'm wrong and allow them the freedom to (respectfully) let me know when I've hurt them or are inconsistent or they don't agree.  And I listen.  Sometimes it sways me, sometimes not.  But I always try to look at what I'm asking of them.  Is it because it's right and righteous or is it because it's convenient for me?  That's where I might change my mind on something.

As for their teen years, I would say they were pretty easy.  I mean there are always issues and idiosyncrasies and kinks to work out but I have found that those issues are greatly minimized if heart issues are taken care of at an early age.  I always say, if it's not going to be funny at 15, don't laugh it off at 2 or 3.  I know this isn't always easy.  I don't always get it right.  I fail often.  I am softer now with my littles than I was on my older girls.  Part of that comes with age and wisdom, but I am sure part of it also comes with knowing the loss of a child.  I pray that it doesn't work to their detriment.

I also have a friend who used to teach child training classes through a big organization.  She would say that consistency is key and that 99% consistency was equal to 100% failure.  Wow.  Now that's a lot of pressure.  I can't say I line up totally with that philosophy, although I believe consistency is extremely important.  I also know that God is the only perfect parent and we will never achieve perfection this side of heaven.  It doesn't mean we don't keep trying, but we also have to allow for grace to work in our lives as well as our children's.

I'm also very involved in their lives.  I love spending time with them.  I like their friends.  I truly want to hear their hearts, even if I don't agree with something.  I'm not going to badger them about their decisions.  I will offer my input but they really make their own decisions.  Living here is an example. They all know that we want them to stay in our home until the time they marry.  But it's not sin for them to move out on their own.  If they choose to do so, we will help them as much as we can.  And I would not call that rebellion.  I would say it's not the wisest choice, but it's not rebellion.

So I guess to specifically answer the question of how to have a close relationship with adult children, I would say...everything starts when they are young.  Nurture, admonition, training.  But a parent has to be wise to watch for when it's time to start allowing that relationship to change.  Too early is damaging.  Too late can also be damaging.  But if you didn't start when they were young, don't despair.  God can still change hearts and redeem the years the locusts have eaten...

I don't try to control them.  I let them make their own decisions about where to go and when to go.   I might offer counsel, but at this point they are mature and responsible and I need to trust that.  More so with Sarah and Abby, somewhat Sydnee.  I still give more guidance and oversight to Sherrod simply because of her age, but the control is lightening up.  And she spends so much time with the older girls, I forget she's not truly an "adult." Although, admittedly, this step is only easy because they each have their own walk with the Lord and have their own convictions they are committed to.  If they were still children trying to live by my convictions I could not be so free with them.  I try to be very careful about when to step in.  A couple of easy examples I can think of are: skirts and jobs.

Sarah is working now and while I never thought that would be, I can't see that it is anti-Biblical either.  I may do another entire post about her job and daughters working outside the home some day, but for now we'll just leave it at she is doing so with our complete blessing and is well within her submission to her father.

A couple of my girls wear skirts that are shorter (even significantly shorter) than my personal preference.  Maybe even pants.  I know I just sent a gasp through some people with that comment.  But the fact is that we live on a ranch and there are just times when a skirt is not practical.  Or they are doing activities where a skirt (or even culottes) is actually more immodest than pants would be.  And I'm not one of those people who believe that girls shouldn't do things that they can't do in a dress.  So instead of worrying about how long their skirt is or exactly what they're wearing, I am much more concerned with their hearts and the "why" behind their decisions.  I want them to pay attention to modesty and consider their Christian brothers when making decisions about their clothing.  I never want them to intentionally try to draw attention to features or be a stumbling block, but I also want them to realize that they are not responsible for the lust of men.  (All that being said, it is highly unlikely that anyone outside of our immediate family will see them in pants because they are very careful about modesty.  Also, they aren't all the same and view things differently so what one might do another most certainly wouldn't.  Isn't individuality a wonderful thing?)

I also believe that openness, transparency, and honesty are an essential part of any intimate relationship.  Meaning: if you want intimacy, you have to be open.  It works both ways.  I can be open with them, but if they are not open with me, there's not true intimacy.  So we have to both decide we want that and we have to work to understand each other and show grace for frustrating things, which happen in any intimate relationship.  It is easy to remain closed off with our thoughts.  Relationships, both those within families and outside of families, are hard work.  And if you can't be open, you can't have real.

The last thing I can think of is, I don't force them to go places and I don't micromanage their schedules.  We do our best to guard a portion of every day where our family comes together but I don't expect them to be at my beck and call.  I try to respect their schedules just as I want them to respect me.  Since I don't actually know the person, personally, who asked the question, I do not know what camp you are in.  More liberal friends would say this is a no-brainer, while more conservative friends would say that no daughter of any age goes anywhere without the entire family, or at least without a male protector.  But, honestly, while I love that beautiful idea of my girls always being with a male protector (and we definitely utilize that blessing as often as possible), it isn't always feasible.  In fact, I am often out and about without Michael OR an adult son.  I think we have to teach our daughters to manage the world we live in instead of wishing for something that will never be.  Also, I don't see this Biblically.  I mean, just look at Rachel for one example.  And there are plenty others.  She's just an easy one.

So, in a nutshell, respect...honor...love.  Mutually.  And that's really what adult relationships are about, right?  Mutually showing honor and respect and love.  That's what we strive for.

Tomorrow's question:  Why did you stop quoting Scripture at the end of your posts?

Thankful...

Today I am thankful.  Truly grateful for the blessings God has bestowed on me, even though I am so undeserving.

I slept until 4am, without interruption.  Four solid hours is good, for me.  And I awoke to find myself snuggled between Michael and 2 sweet, precious, little boys.

And the girls are home.

How could I not feel overwhelmingly blessed?

Sarah posts everything on FB and I think she put over 150 photos on her newsfeed, but for my friends who still refuse FB, I'll repost a little of their story here.

They had such a wonderful time.  I am so glad.  I am also definitely resting somewhat better to have them home!

They visited several parks and volunteered at Give Kids the World.  I'm not posting pictures of everything...just some of my favorites.

Beautiful, but really hard for Sarah 😁

They all enjoyed petting the kangaroos

Swimming with sharks

Feeding the rays

Sarah got to swim with Dexter's mom!  Dexter was William's dolphin.

Getting to visit Winter was definitely a highlight of the trip!

Trying cotton candy for the first time, ever!  Yes, the FIRST time!

Haha!  This guy was a little freaky!  He kept growling. 😂

Petting rays at a different park

I have had the best time, listening to all the stories!    They are a fun and wonderful crew!  Words cannot even describe how great it is to have them back!  And, of course, they jumped right back in to saving the day!

On this day of Thanksgiving, I feel overwhelmed with blessing.  Overwhelmed with gratitude.  Overwhelmed with joy.  And sadness.  Even as I am incredibly grateful for these beautiful, precious souls God has loaned me for a time, I can't help but feel intense mourning for William.  I know he is safe.  I know he is home.  I am grateful that he is with the Lord.  But all that doesn't change the fact that I still miss him in the here and now.  My arms still ache for him.  The empty spot will not be filled until I see him again.

Coming Up...

Wow!  I'm only about 12 hours late in posting.  I'm sorry, I just don't have it in me to really post today.  I wasn't feeling well last night but on top of that, it's pretty safe to say that it's difficult to understand how hard even the "good days" really are.  I think I've developed an excellent poker face...

But I am working on the questions that were sent.  Actually, just one.  I think most people know the answers to typical questions about us.  Enough, anyway, not to do a blog post about it.  (But don't worry, I always answer things individually).

I did receive a question that intrigued me, though.  It was about my older girls.  So, stay tuned for that one after Thanksgiving.  I'll post the question in its entirety (minus the sender's name, as promised).

All About Abby

Wow.  Birthdays are making me somewhat nostalgic this year.  And apprehensive.  Don't get me wrong...I'm grateful for them.  But I also miss the days when things were simple and my own little world was contained well within the walls of my home.

Of course, there's good and bad with most everything.  And just as I miss the days when this amazing woman was a girlish imp, I cherish these days of womanhood with her.  I am beyond proud of the woman she is.  I treasure our sweet friendship, she is easily one of my very best friends.  I appreciate so many things about her - she is fierce, loyal, independent, and determined, while at the same time she is gentle, soft, fragile, and submissive.

The coming year holds a lot of traveling for her and to say I am going to miss her terribly is such an understatement.  I know it's good for her to follow her dreams and I'm so very happy for her, but is it possible to have your heart swell with pride and be just a little bit broken at the same time?  But I do love to watch her soar...

She chose to go Extreme Go-Kart Racing for her birthday.  That's so Abby.😂

I really liked this video that she made, so I swiped it.  It's all about horses, of course.😘

But I also have proof that she cleans up well...😜

Happy birthday, my darling Abby.  I love you more than life!

Illness

I do not have it in me to post something meaningful today.  I am thoroughly ill.  Yuck.

October is such a hard month.

I'm glad we take some time to intentionally come together and enjoy each other or I might just hole up in my bed and never come out.

Last week, a few of us made a super quick trip down to Orlando.  We had a good time, but Saturday I woke up sick and have been getting worse, it seems, ever since.

But there were some great things about the trip.  We went to watch our amazing veterinarian receive his award for 2018 International Veterinarian of the Year through PATH INT'L, the standards body for therapeutic riding centers, worldwide.  That was super exciting!

And we got to see one of our past instructors who has moved down there.  She's a dear friend and it's been too long!

Finally, we got to go to Gideon's Bakery, which is nothing short of amazing.  I will admit, I did not get why people would stand in line for a half hour (or more) simply to get a cookie, but this is one fantastic cookie.  I got the Pistachio Toffee Chocolate cookie and it was delicious!

Driving to/from Orlando, we saw these billboards...

That was a nickname we had for William because of his initials.  Our little Wahoo...  Knox is now in his clothes.  Time is just continuing on, as if my world was not crushed.

But at least I am able to see the good again.  I snapped these two photos this month of things that were really meaningful to me.

First, this man.  I know it's from behind and you probably can't tell much unless you know what's going on, but we were at church and his boys just wanted to be held through the singing.  I was headed out to help Sherrod with a blood sugar issue and I turned and saw this and it just melted my heart.  So very sweet.  I don't think there is anything in this world more attractive than a man who so  completely loves his woman and children. 😍

And I snapped this sweet picture of the boys waiting for family worship the other night.  A couple of them are reading books to each other and Wallace is helping Andrew get to a specific point in the little New Testament he has.  I love it when they are sweet and helpful to each other!

I wish there was some way that they could all remember William.  😢

If anyone needs me today, I'll be buried under my covers...