Mother's Day

I'm not a big fan of holidays.  Even Mother's Day.  It's not that I have anything against mothers (I am one, after all), or honoring them, or loving them.  I guess it's the idea of some card company conjuring up another money making scheme that gets me.  I would much rather my children show their honor to me in their daily living.  I would much rather them bring me wildflowers from the field.  I would much rather a gift out of the blue, handmade or purchased, just because they were thinking of their Momma.  I would much rather them plan a special meal or make my favorite dessert just to surprise me on a random day than to feel pressured by some marketing ploy.  And I especially dislike holidays that fall on Sunday.  I won't go into all that.  :)
That said, this year is different.  It's not that I want to celebrate it now.  Quite the opposite.  I wish it would go away altogether.

I know I am still a mother and I am even more grateful than I have ever been, if that is possible.  But I am also keenly aware of what I am missing, of who is missing.
I often used to joke about calling out to my children when they were playing..."William, Wallace, Calvin, Knox..." Great men, great reformers, great fighters.  It was fun to hear their names called out together.  Especially William and Wallace. :)  There is no joy in it now.  In fact, I cannot seem to muster the ability to do it.  This morning (yesterday morning?) we played at the park and I simply called out, "Children..." when it was time to gather them.
I digress.  In the past the holiday has simply been another day, now it is painful.  And of course guilt comes with that pain because, after all, I am still a mother and I have so many blessings before me, so why should it cause so much sorrow?  I do not know but this year I chose to do something different.  I got gifts for each of the children. They were surprised and it was fun! I chose to take the day (Saturday) and pause from the busy-ness that is life and just reflect on how grateful I am to be the mother to these many wonderful blessings, to remember the joy when I was surrounded by all of them, and to be exceedingly thankful for the ones that surround me still.