Ever since William got out of the hospital this last time, I've been plagued with nightmares. I'm not sleeping well. In fact, I don't even like to go to sleep. All I can see when I close my eyes is William lying in that hospital bed, appearing lifeless. And my vision will shift between him and Riley until I can't tell the difference between the two. It's weird and it haunts me.
Riley is my nephew. I can't even describe how much he and William were alike. Many of the same issues. Much of the same heart, sweetness, and orneriness. Riley stopped breathing 7 years ago and he never returned to us. He was 6 years old at the time and he would have been 14 today. William was 4 days old and he never knew his cousin. That is truly a loss. They would have enjoyed each other immensely.
|Riley 2006, his brother, Kash 2013|
It bothers me that I know that William's condition will likely shorten his lifespan. It bothers me that there is little I can do for him. It bothers me to not be in control of all things. It is a daily struggle to give my cares to the Lord and not worry. He had a whole year with no illness and I really fooled myself into thinking the worst was behind us, that he was strong, that the worry was over. Now it's back with a vengeance. How do I let go? How do I let him be a regular little boy and not fret over everything he does? Over every person he comes into contact with? How do I not drive myself crazy trying to keep him healthy? I know the answer lies only in my trust in the Lord. That is my struggle. Daily faith. Constant trust. True belief. Lord, I believe, please help my unbelief.