Monday, December 22, 2014

Hard Things

So, I've never been a person to be gripped by fear.  Fear has never controlled my life or driven my thoughts.  I've never been a "what-if" person who is plagued by thoughts of dred.  Yet, I find myself in new territory.  I've been questioning if my faith is as strong as I once believed it to be.  Ever since I saw my little boy lying in that bed, helpless and limp, breathing on the ventilator.  I remember crying out to God, but all I could think of is that I'm not strong enough to walk this road.  I have friends who have walked hard roads in life who are a vision of strength in the Lord.  Who never waver.  Who praise Him faithfully in all things.  Who say, without hesitation, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord."  Is this me?  Can I be so unwavering?  I don't know.  I honestly don't know.  I don't think anybody really does until you're in it.  I'd like to think my faith is that strong.  But I truly don't know.
Ever since William got out of the hospital this last time, I've been plagued with nightmares.  I'm not sleeping well.  In fact, I don't even like to go to sleep.  All I can see when I close my eyes is William lying in that hospital bed, appearing lifeless.  And my vision will shift between him and Riley until I can't tell the difference between the two.  It's weird and it haunts me.
Riley is my nephew.  I can't even describe how much he and William were alike.  Many of the same issues.  Much of the same heart, sweetness, and orneriness.  Riley stopped breathing 7 years ago and he never returned to us.  He was 6 years old at the time and he would have been 14 today.  William was 4 days old and he never knew his cousin.  That is truly a loss.  They would have enjoyed each other immensely.
Riley 2006, his brother, Kash 2013
My sister is a woman of strength.  She continues her life.  I admire her.  She did not let this great loss defeat her, make her into something she is not, define who she is.  Could I do the same?  I don't know,  but I pray I never find out.
It bothers me that I know that William's condition will likely shorten his lifespan.  It bothers me that there is little I can do for him.  It bothers me to not be in control of all things.  It is a daily struggle to give my cares to the Lord and not worry.  He had a whole year with no illness and I really fooled myself into thinking the worst was behind us, that he was strong, that the worry was over.  Now it's back with a vengeance.  How do I let go? How do I let him be a regular little boy and not fret over everything he does? Over every person he comes into contact with?  How do I not drive myself crazy trying to keep him healthy?  I know the answer lies only in my trust in the Lord.  That is my struggle.  Daily faith.  Constant trust.  True belief.  Lord, I believe, please help my unbelief.

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