Three months ago I was up all night watching over my little boy. Tonight I am up cherishing his memory.
I am weary, but I am not defeated. Every day the enemy whispers his best, but the Lord remains steadfast. He does carry me. The enemy threatens to overtake, darkness looms, but the Spirit is faithful. Even in the midst of my wrestling with God, I am reminded of the Scriptures that have been ingrained in my heart. I know that Jesus holds me and the enemy cannot snatch me from His hand.
I am no Job. In all of Job's trials he did not sin, nor did he charge God with wrong. He did not blame God, nor did he question, "Why me?"
I question. I believe God could have healed William. He didn't. I don't know why. Why did He spare William all those other times and not the last one? Why does He heal some and not others? I do not know. If there is a lesson for me to learn, I want to learn it. Is it as simple as "his purpose was fulfilled?" Or is it about learning to trust Him through the darkness, when I don't understand or like what He's doing? Is it about learning to praise Him even while my heart is shattered? Is it about recognizing God's goodness in the midst of all the pain and sorrow?
No, I am no Job. But God loves me and will not let me go. Each time God rescues me from the darkness is a victory. And each victory is a small step toward another. And one day I will finish the race...victorious.