Thursday, January 14, 2016

Guilt and Sorrow

Quiet.  My days are filled mostly with a solemn quiet.  Reserved.  It is hard to be around people.  I don't know why.  Even the people who love me most.

To our friends and family, I apologize.  I know it's hard for you, too.  We are not pulling away intentionally.  It has nothing to do with you.  Be patient with us.  We do not mean to push you away.

I feel guilty.  Guilty because of all the love that has been poured out on us and I know people truly love us.  I want to show my appreciation.  I want to love on others.  Really, I do.  And I try.  But most of the time it's more than I can muster.  I am doing good to force myself out of bed.  Facing people is just too much.  But I'm truly sorry that I've neglected my friends who have spent so much time before the Throne of God for me.  I still need it.

Grief has zero consistency.  At times I need to see his face, feel his blanket, hold his toys...that's the only thing that brings comfort.  Other times I see his picture and my heart shatters all over again.  The pain is nearly unbearable and I feel as though I'm being crushed by a weight I cannot possibly bear.  The same things that make me smile also bring me to tears.

One moment I feel the Lord carrying me, the next I teeter on the edge of the abyss, threatening to be lost.  Is my faith really so weak?  I have so many questions. Questions I don't dare to ask aloud.  There are so many things I know to be true, yet I struggle to believe them.  I know that I need God's people, yet all I want is to withdraw.  And that makes me feel guilty all the more.

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