Tiger Safari

On the anniversary of Willliam's death our family decided to do something fun together. We went to Tiger Safari! It's very similar to a zoo but you can get closer to the animals and interact with some of them. We were the only ones there and had a wonderful, relaxing time.

We were greeted by the parrots, who had a great time showing off for us.

We had fun feeding the deer!

Titus and Adelina enjoyed riding the dinosaur in the gift shop.

The keeper woke up the kinkajou for us. Isn't he cute?!

Wallace is so good with Titus and enjoyed helping him around the park.

They have a fairly large monitor in the reptile house!

The big cats were not sure what to make of Maya. A couple of them stalked her!

The kids also enjoyed feeding the monkeys and lemurs.

Maya made a friend!

Break time!

Our family actually visited Tiger Safari 11 years ago and we were happy to see that Koda, the bear, was still there!

The otter was so cute and friendly! Who could resist shaking his hand when he stuck his paw through the fence?! Sydnee says she wants a pet otter now! :)

Knox and Adelina watching the kangaroo

The emus were so funny! One of them actually got Sydnee's phone when she was trying to take his picture!

There are lots of big cats there, but I've saved my favorite for last......the white tigers!

The kids got to see some tiger behavior.

To prove I was there! :)

After we left Tiger Safari we went to a specialty doughnut shop. Their doughnuts are so good!

posted by Sarah

Sweet William

Today marks 1 year.  12 months.  It might as well have been 12 minutes.  Or 12 years.  Time no longer exists for me.  It just runs together.

I often think of how William spent his life.  Full of joy.  Thankful in all things.  He was always so happy.  And he LOVED people!  He found the good in everything.  This video warms my heart because it was so typical of him...

I see posts on what we wish others knew about child loss and all I can think is...nothing.  I wish no one knew the deep, anguishing pain from the unnatural act of burying a child.  It simply should not be part of anyone's story.

My boy has been gone from my arms for a year.  It hardly seems possible.  This year has seen a monumental amount of change for us.  None of us are the people we were before William's passing.  We are trying to hold on to the good that he brought out in us while fighting desperately to not give in to the grief.  It's a new struggle every day...sometimes every moment.

A friend once told me that losing a child changes you completely and permanently.  A person never gets over it, but changes with the grief.  Of course we do.  But I've seen the destruction grief can bring.  Too many friends have lost children.  Some have let the grief draw them closer to the Lord, softening their heart and making them more tender to those who are hurting.  Some have changed in ways that are painful to watch, letting bitterness overtake them and change their relationship with God.  It is constantly in the depths of my mind...how am I grieving? Am I honoring Him?  Am I letting grief and sadness overtake me?  Am I allowing Him to comfort me?

The day William died, a dear friend brought this up.  I don't remember his exact words, but I vividly remember his message.  He expressed his confidence that I would grieve in a way that is honoring to the Lord.  Those words have been a grounding point for me this year, a continual reminder that this life is about more than me or my grief.  A true friend, who has known me for a good number of years, expressing encouragement before I even knew I would need it.  I have been tempted to run away over this year.  But where would I run?  I can only go into HIS arms; the One who made me and loves me. The One who gave me William.  The One who took William back home...

Can I honor the Lord in the peaks AND the valleys?  Can I honor Him in the very pit of despair and agony?  It is a battle that He sees me through, day by day, and I know that the war is His.  He WILL have the victory.  I don't always make the battle pretty and sometimes it even appears that I'm losing, but He always has it in His control.

I miss him.  I know I always will.  But I also know that William had a purpose in this life and that his purpose was fulfilled the day God took him home.  I will always be sorry that I had him for such a short time.  But I will always be grateful that God gave me 8 1/2 beautiful, wonderful years with him.

Sunday was difficult.  All day I thought of that Sunday, one year ago, when William's little body was in my arms and he passed into eternity.   It is easy to identify William's death more with Sunday than the actual date and it was probably one of the hardest days I've faced all year.

When William was on life support in 2014, a friend sent me this song.  After a year of songs, it's the last one I'll post.  It was fitting then.  It is fitting now. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.

I Have a Shelter

52 Thursdays.  I feel his absence so fully.  And I struggle with the guilt of trying to be thankful, trying to find joy, trying to pull it all together.  It is tiring.

Michael describes our life so well.  He said grief is a constant oxymoron.  Oh, how true.  I feel perfectly at peace with the Lord, yet there is a constant unsettled-ness without William here.  I am ever-so-grateful that William was loaned to me, yet I want more, always more.  I long for the fellowship and support of dear friends, yet I find it increasingly more difficult to be around people.  I feel like the pieces of my heart are finally starting to find their way to a misshapen form, while at the same time I feel that I am a disheveled mess, all over the place.

I hide in Him.  I need His shelter.

Lyrics:
I have a shelter in the storm
When troubles pour upon me 
Though fears are rising like a flood 
My soul can rest securely
O Jesus, I will hide in You
My place of peace and solace
No trial is deeper than Your love 
That comforts all my sorrows

I have a shelter in the storm
When all my sins accuse me
Though justice charges me with guilt 
Your grace will not refuse me
O Jesus, I will hide in You
Who bore my condemnation
I find my refuge in Your wounds
For there I find salvation

I have a shelter in the storm
When constant winds would break me 
For in my weakness, I have learned 
Your strength will not forsake me
O Jesus, I will hide in You
The One who bears my burdens
With faithful hands that cannot fail 
You’ll bring me home to heaven

Breathe

This is a strange life I am now living.  What used to come so easily, now requires great effort.  My faith used to be such a natural, easy-going part of me.  No questions.  No doubts.  No reservations.  Just a child-like trust.  Honestly, I miss that.  I miss the naive life I used to live.  The one without daily heartache, without the daily struggle to trust God, without the constant holding back of tears.  I want to trust Him.  I have to trust Him.  But there is a continual struggle between the need to understand and the faith to step out without needing to understand.  I reached out to a friend who has been walking this lonely road of grief for some time.  He said he tries to look at it like God gave him a gift he didn't deserve for 15 wonderful years, rather than God took his daughter after only 15 years.  I know it's true.  I have to continually remind myself how thankful I am to have had 8 years with William.  I wouldn't trade them for anything but the grief still threatens to overwhelm.  I have to get to that quiet place where I am alone with Him and He can wrap me in His peace and His love, where I can breathe...

Lyrics:

Alarm clock screaming bare feet hit the floor
It’s off to the races everybody out the door
I’m feeling like I’m falling behind, it’s a crazy life
Ninety miles an hour going fast as I can
Trying to push a little harder trying to get the upper hand
So much to do in so little time, it’s a crazy life
It’s ready, set, go it’s another wild day
When the stress is on the rise in my heart I feel You say just

(chorus)
Breathe, just breathe
Come and rest at My feet
And be, just be
Chaos calls but all you really need
Is to just breathe

Third cup of joe just to get me through the day
Wanna make the most of time but I feel it slip away
I wonder if there’s something more to this crazy life
I’m busy, busy, busy, and it’s no surprise to see
That I only have time for me, me, me
There’s gotta be something more to this crazy life
I’m hanging on tight to another wild day
When it starts to fall apart in my heart I hear You say just

(chorus)
Breathe, just breathe
Come and rest at My feet
And be, just be
Chaos calls but all you really need

(bridge)
Is to take it in fill your lungs
The Peace of God that overcomes
Just breathe
Let your weary spirit rest
Lay down what’s good and find what’s best
Just breathe

(chorus)
Just breathe, just breathe
Come and rest at My feet
And be, just be
Chaos calls but all you really need
Is to just breathe
Just breathe

Surviving October...

I made it through the first day of October.  I actually had some much needed therapy and went on a trail ride.  It was good for the soul.

William and his first therapy dog, Annie.

I knew this month would be hard.  I expected it to be hard.  But it's even more than I expected.  I can't breathe.  To say I miss him is such an understatement.  He is in every thought, every moment, every day.  There is never a second when there is a break from the pain of missing him.

I found this cute little video of him on his last birthday.  Oh, that voice!  Everything about him was so sweet.

It's exhausting.  Everyday is a new struggle.  Every morning I open my eyes and I have to decide all over again... Will I get out of bed?  Will I try to make the most out of the day and be productive?  Will I be thankful or angry?  Will I trust God?

These are not questions I had a year ago.  But in the midst of all this grief and struggle and questioning, there is one small thing that spurs me on and gives me hope and confidence.  I am convinced, more than ever, of God's sovereignty.  At one time I believed in the Doctrines of Grace...now I am certain.  Because in my own strength, my own thoughts, my own power, I would have walked away.  I would let my anger overwhelm me and run away from God.  But He has held me.  It is only Him, His power, His strength, that has kept me in the fold.  And therefore I can rest.  My family is not held by my faith or lack thereof.  They are held by the Almighty.  And HE never fails.