Beam Me Up

One of my friends will certainly become greatly concerned for me over this song. :) I first heard it on a Bereaved Parents site and it immediately spoke to me.  I'll admit, I have no idea who or what Pink is...a group, a person...no clue.  Nor did I care enough to look them up.  So be forewarned and listen or don't.  But the song, even with its few issues, is beautiful.

I would love to have another moment with William.  I don't think I would be able to speak, but to hold him just for a moment... I'm tired of being a fighter.  I understand this song.

Lyrics:

There's a whole other conversation going on
In a parallel universe
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts
There's a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you're looking at me

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute,

I don't know what I'd say in it
Probably just stare, 

Happy just to be there holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, 

I'm tired of being a fighter,

I think, a minute's enough,
Just beam me up

Some black birds soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath like our one last sight
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shivering cold,
It only happens when I'm on my own,
That's how you tell me, I'm not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute,

I don't know what I'd say in it
Probably just stare, 

Happy just to be there holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, 

I'm tired of being a fighter,

I think, a minute's enough,
Just beam me up

In my head, I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, 

I break in two and now there's
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I'll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, 

I don't know what I'd say in it
Probably just stare, 

Happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, 

I'm tired of being a fighter,

I think, a minute's enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up

Need You Now

Today has been an extremely hard day.  There's no rhyme or reason why.  I haven't slept well the last couple of nights.  Well, that's not saying much.  I don't sleep well anymore.  Which is weird because I feel like I'm settling into a routine.  I don't cry constantly anymore.  I can't say that I'm angry.  I don't know what I am.  I actually saw a cartoon on FB the other day that pretty adequately describes how I feel...

It feels weird to put on a happy face when I feel so empty inside.  And it's exhausting.  I can do it for awhile, but I feel like I'm always teetering on falling apart.

Classes start next week.  I'm actually really glad.  We're all ready to get back to focusing on helping others.  Back to routine.  I know that seeing all the children again will be somewhat healing.  I also know it will be hard.  Next Thursday (William's favorite day, the day he rode) will be exactly 4 months.  His class will go on without him.  The casual observer will know no difference.  And yet I wonder if I will ever be able to hold his class without dying just a little.  On the other side of that twisted coin, I could never bear to give it up.

Even though the old cliche states that it gets easier with time, I have yet to feel it.  I'm still in the stage where it seems to get harder by the day.  I read in one of my grief books that the 3 month mark was actually harder than the beginning but that it was a peak and the grief would then lessen some until the 12 month mark. It didn't happen that way for me.  Maybe because I expected it to be the peak.  I don't know.  It was difficult, no doubt.  But I feel heavier and more broken nearing 4 months.

Maybe that's not such a bad thing.  Maybe I've been trying to handle too much on my own, wrestling with my questions.  I've had trouble praying.  I've had trouble reading.  I feel like I'm struggling to reach God but I just can't quite get there.  I have to believe there's more than what I can see.  I know I need Him.

With the coming of a new anniversary I never wanted, I've decided to post a new song daily, at least for the next week.  Maybe more.  We'll see...

Lyrics:
Well everybody's got a story to tell 
And everybody's got a wound to be healed 
I want to believe there's beauty here 
Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on 
I can't let go, I can't move on 
I want to believe there's meaning here 

How many times have you heard me cry out 
"God please take this"? 
How many times have you given me strength to 
Just keep breathing? 
Oh I need you 
God, I need you now. 

Standing on a road I didn't plan 
Wondering how I got to where I am 
I'm trying to hear that still small voice 
I'm trying to hear above the noise 

Chorus 

Oh I walk, oh I walk through the shadows 
And I, I am so afraid 
Please stay, please stay right beside me 
With every single step I take 

How many times have you heard me cry out? 
And how many times have you given me strength? 

Chorus 

I need you now 
I need you now

Though You Slay Me

One of my favorite songs...  A friend sent this to me when William was in the hospital over a year ago  and on life support.  It's been really hard for me to hear this song in the last few months because it reminds me of a time when I felt so strong and free.  I listened to this song over and over at that time and each time I felt so sure.  Sure that God would see us through whatever He brought to us.  Sure that I could and would love and serve Him through any pain.  Sure that William was safe in His hands.

I am just starting to feel peace with this song again.  My questions are left unanswered, but the peace is slowly beginning to return.  I miss my little boy so much.  It's still hard to breathe at times.  But I am beginning to see and feel the Lord's comfort again.  It does not remove the pain, but it gives me strength to press through it.

In the last months I have not been a "Hall of Faith" Christian.  I have struggled with God.  I have wrestled with truth and deception, assurance and doubt.  All the "what if" questions?  I've had them.  In the end, there is a decision to make.  Believe there's nothing or believe there's everything.  I have to believe the latter.  I can only believe that God is who He says He is and every word in the Bible is true.  And if that's the case, what else is there but to love and serve Him?

Lyrics:

• Lyrics

I come, God, I come
I return to the Lord
The one who's broken
The one who's torn me apart
You struck down to bind me up
You say You do it all in love
That I might know You in Your suffering

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I'll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I'll know every tear was worth it all

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need

Though tonight I'm crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You're still all that I need
You're enough for me
You're enough for me

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need
Sing a song to the one who's all I need

Baby Shower for Andrew

One of the many things I appreciate about our church is that we recognize the gift of children.  Every child is a blessing.  We've always welcomed each child with a baby shower to show our thankfulness for the gift that they are.  Even number 15.

So we recently went to Andrew's baby shower.  It was a surprise theme to us, but a very appropriate one.  Be Mighty.  Very fitting for a mighty little boy who is forever tied to the love of a mighty big brother.  The theme included mighty men of valor and the armor of God.

The cake was a beautiful masterpiece.  I can't even imagine how much time it took to make.  One of the young ladies in our church always makes the cakes and everyone is appropriately amazed at her work, but this one was exceptional.  That armor is made of sugar and completely edible!  Of course, we didn't eat it but saved it.  I'm not sure how to keep it, but I'm sure going to try!

This diaper cake was a lot of fun!  Those dinosaurs are made from baby washcloths!  I'm not going to take them apart, though.  We're putting them up as decoration in the boys' room.

We received many beautiful gifts...lovely and thoughtful.  I can't express my thankfulness enough.  And for the gift of including William's memory.  William loved Ru so much.  One day, I know, Ru will be grateful that his memory was included.

Song for William

Of course, one of my all time favorites and one I listen to often...William's song.

I am still amazed at how God used one little boy to work in so many lives.  His might was shown through William's life time and time again.  As much as I loathe it, it's been shown through William's death (and legacy) as well.  Over and over again people tell me about William and his smile.  It is truly "etched in our hearts."

Lyrics:
We were sitting in your living room and you were telling me
About your horse, Cookie, and horse therapy
You were so joyful, so fun and carefree
But I knew there was more than what my eyes could see

You saw out of eyes that can see just a foot from your face
Though you couldn't walk you were running the race
You breathed out of lungs that sometimes couldn't keep pace
Though you were so frail, God's strength never failed you

We all saw God's mighty hand working in you
Even at times when we never knew
If you'd be here tomorrow, bringing that smile with you
But when you were ill your smile was still
Etched in our hearts

Just a few years later you were struggling to survive
With tubes and IVs a new part of your life
You were struggling to breathe through a lung full collapsed
You were almost too weak to answer questions I asked

You saw out of eyes that can see just a foot from your face
Though you couldn't walk you were running the race
You breathed out of lungs that sometimes couldn't keep pace
Though you were so frail, God's strength never failed you

We all saw God's mighty hand working in you
Even at times when we never knew
If you'd be here tomorrow, bringing that smile with you
But when you were ill your smile was still
Etched in our hearts

Though some today may say you are weak
Everyday that you live, your whole life speaks
To the one who has brought you through the battle so long
He says when you're weak, it's then you're strong

You saw out of eyes that can see just a foot from your face
Though you couldn't walk you were running the race
You breathed out of lungs that sometimes couldn't keep pace
Though you were so frail, God's strength never failed you

We all saw God's mighty hand working in you
Even at times when we never knew
If you'd be here tomorrow, bringing that smile with you
And when you were ill your smile was still
Etched in our hearts