As I always try to be as open as I can on this blog without giving the kind of detail that would possibly be gossip (that can be a tough line to walk, by the way), I thought I would just quit trying to gloss over my struggles and go ahead and be open. I've had a block about what to write for many weeks now and had a constant desire to close the blog entirely. Perhaps it is because my heart is so heavy. I have been struggling under an extreme amount of guilt as of late. Debilitating guilt. It has permeated my heart, my mind, probably my soul. I am almost constantly preaching to myself the things I know to be true and during that time I am okay. But when I let my guard down for even a moment, right back into the fire I go, smothering under it again.
It's been a struggle that is taking its toll. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. I am tired to the core. I have walked this road mostly alone as I don't even know how to share it with Michael. Don't get me wrong, he knows all about it and we talk about it, but I just can't deal with it openly very often and I am mostly unable to put words to it. I come away from prayer and reading feeling refreshed and confident and at peace, fully trusting in the Lord to take my sorrows, to work everything for His glory and at peace with whatever that may be.
But it creeps back in.
It always creeps back in.
I am not angry. I am not bitter. I feel like it would be easier if I was. That would be sin I could deal with head on. I know that we choose those feelings. And when we choose not to let them go it is because we love them too much. I heard a preacher say once that we struggle with sin because we love our sin more than we love God.
So why has this been such a struggle for me? Do I love my guilt more than I love my Lord? It is a tough question I am asking myself as I try to let my guilt go.
A sweet friend did send me an encouraging text this week, reminding me that God is sovereign and in control. Always. He orchestrates our time and our steps. Through the good and the bad. Nothing is ever outside of His plan. We either believe it or we don't.
I always find it interesting (and reassuring) that God brings me the things I need right when I need them. I pray that you are recognizing His work in your life, as well.
