Three years.
It hardly seems possible that we’ve navigated these 1,096 days without our sweet, little boy.
I miss him terribly.
I know I have tried desperately, without success, to fill the gap he left behind. Maybe some of the ways have been unhealthy. I'm trying not to let my new, unimproved self entirely drive my husband crazy. 😜
I can't help but feel our family is incomplete. Maybe it will always feel that way.
Looking back over the last several months, there are some distinct changes that I notice. One, I don't wish I was dead everyday. I know that might be a shocking thing to say, but it's painfully honest. In the beginning, if it was possible for a person to just will themselves dead, I believe I could have done so. I don't feel that way anymore. Thankfully. I can honestly look to the future with joy, even though there is still so much pain. Two, I have noticed that I am able to tell William's story as more of a matter of fact than a painfully raw current event. Three, I don't completely avoid his pictures anymore. It used to be impossible for me to look at them without sobbing violently. Sometimes I will still break into an ugly cry, but usually it's just quiet tears now. All three things tell me that I am learning to navigate this part of life that I never wanted.
So, speaking of pictures, I've been going through them all week. Here's a small look back at some favorites, in no particular order...
Beautiful boy. Beautiful life. Beautiful friends.
I also found these videos, both from his last hospital stay in 2014, that are just so very precious to me. They both bring joy to my heart...
I'm thankful for each memory. I'm so thankful for all of our sweet friends who have walked this journey with us. There are those who miss him dearly and ache right along with us and I can't even begin to say how dear you are to us.
It's been a long 3 years, yet it seems like yesterday. Is it possible to actually miss him more with each passing day?
