Just Fall

It is hard for me to fathom that October is just around the corner.

Three years.

Life has gone on.  The world has continued to spin.

And I still miss him.  EVERY.  SINGLE.  SECOND.

The first year was a blur.  I have no idea how I got through the days.  I was numb.  Struggling to breathe.  I moved out of habit but not with any purpose or direction.

The second year was actually more difficult than the first.  Reality set in.  Life without William.  It's really happening.  Anger and dealing with that sin became a large part of daily life.

The third year has been more of a settling in.  An acceptance.  Still painful, but I can actually look forward to the future again without losing my mind.  I learned that there is a place where true joy and profound sorrow meet and intermingle.  There is an intense sadness about me, one that will never go away, as I continue to long for my little boy, but it doesn't mean that I don't also have joy.  I will always wish he was here.

I'm grateful for my clan and the friends who have held me over these last years.  Those who have let me "just fall."  You mean more than you know...

"I can see that October's been heavy
And how much you wish that the floor would be steady below
I know it hurts more than you show..."

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life?  How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand, there is no going back?  There are some things that time cannot mend.  Some hurts that go too deep...that have taken hold." ~ Mr. Frodo

"My heart is severely pained within me, and the terrors of death have fallen upon me.  Fearfulness and trembling have come upon me, and horror has overwhelmed me.  So I said, 'Oh, that I had wings like a dove!  I would fly away and be at rest.  Indeed, I would wander far off, and remain in the wilderness.  Selah  I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest.'" Psalm 55:4-8

Some Days...

I have been sitting here, staring at the blank screen, for far too long.  I do not know what to type.  I try so hard to be open, to be transparent, to not hold back.

But sometimes it's just more than I can do.

The last few weeks have been really hard.  Prepping for class has been overwhelming this time around.  Yesterday was excruciating.

And I'm angry.

I really want to lash out.  It is so hard to control my anger sometimes.

So I retreat.

Not always physically, but emotionally.  I just check out.

Somehow it seems better than the alternative.

Lost Sound

Does anyone know how to regain sound on a video?  I know this video had sound at one time, but it's not playing.  I need the sound back on this precious video...

Memories

I deactivated my FB account last week.

It's something Michael and I have talked about for a long time but I kept it open, mostly to run Right Path stuff.  But there are several staff members running that now, so it just seemed like time.

In some ways, I'm glad it's gone.  There's quite a bit of drama on FB. 😜 And, to be blunt, FB kind of makes me lose all faith in the intelligence of people.  It makes me even more cynical than I naturally am and that's hard for ANYONE to put up with! 😂

But there is one thing about FB that I miss incredibly.  In fact, it caught me by surprise how much I would long for it.  ON THIS DAY.  I love FB memories.  I love checking my phone every morning and being greeted with some antic that my children have done from years past.  It's like watching them grow all over again.

And I treasure, long for, even crave those memory pop-ups of William.  That is the one thing that  actually makes it painful.

I feel like these things that should be so simple just shouldn't be so hard.  But somehow, letting it go feels like letting him go.  I look for connection with him everywhere.  It's so hard to only have memories...

The children have started picking his favorite songs for bedtime singing again.  I don't know if they remember “his favorites” or if it has any special meaning for them or not.  Occasionally Wallace will comment on something being William's favorite or something William did or liked, but no one younger than him really says anything.  And Andrew wouldn't know it, of course, but the song he is currently stuck on was one of William's favorites.  He Arose.  Funnily enough, they sing it the same way.  Every night when I hear Ru sing that song, I am reminded of William.  They both lag just slightly behind.  It is precious.  I don't have the best video, but it made me think of this small clip of William singing it.

Oh, that sweet voice!   Yep, I'm clinging to those memories...

Another Day, Another Year

I've been trying to think of what to write today.  Ugh.  It's just not coming to me.  I've had a migraine since Sunday.  Not only is my brain in a fog, but I'm somewhat cranky.

September has rolled around.  It's crazy.  All I can think is, next month will be 3 years without him.  How have I survived 3 years?  What have I done with the time?  So much of it has been stolen in grief.

Yet, as hard as it is to believe, the days keep rolling by.

We celebrated my birthday this week.  Through the craziness of migraine fog, Right Path class prep, getting ready for volunteer training, and the golf tournament...we did it.  Whew.  This crew is nothing if not flexible and laid back.  It's a good thing.

I cannot describe how my heart just melts over my kiddos.  And not just these boys...all of them.  I don't deserve to be the mother of such amazing people, but here I am.

And Michael...he makes my heart sing.  He's so much fun!  Even though I shake my head most of the time, I wouldn't have it any other way!  Here's a little back story: you know our super great, long table?  Well, it needs chairs.  The chairs that go with it are from the Amish store and they cost an arm and a leg.  So I only have a few.  But every year in September they offer a discount.  So I asked for another chair.  But they take a few weeks to make so they won't be here until next month.  This is how he let me know...

I'm still not sure exactly how many chairs are coming.  I think 3.  But it was fun...

I love this clan.  My tribe.  They keep me going.