I know the girls have struggled with William's death. They were more than siblings, they were caregivers. They were deeply invested in his life. And they wouldn't have had it any other way.
But after his death, I don't think people really knew what to do with them. I think most people just expected them to be fine. Very few people have given them the opportunity to be otherwise. Of course, the church split which happened right after William's death took up everyone's attention and they were largely forgotten.
We are muddling through. It's still hard. Perhaps it always will be. I don't know. But I do know it seems like we are starting to come alive again. They are beginning to reach out and forge relationships again. Slowly. It was difficult for them before. It's nearly impossible now, but at least they are trying.
I read this article on Dr. Christina Hibbert's site entitled "Siblings & Grief: 10 Things Everyone Should Know." I've posted the article in it's entirety here because I feel it's important to shed light on forgotten grievers and hopefully someone will find it helpful. If for nothing else, than to find a place of grace for others...
"I’m an expert on siblings and
grief. Not because I’m a psychologist who specializes in grief. No. I am an
expert because I have lost two of my sisters.
As I write, it is September 8,
2013—20 years to the day that my youngest sister, McLean, or Miki as we called
her, died. She died of cancer of the kidneys. She was eight years old. I was
eighteen. We buried Miki on September 11, 1993, my mom’s birthday—a date that
would forever be marked for my family, a date that would become marked for the
United States, and the world, just eight years later.
On October 17, 2007, my closest
sister, Shannon, died. Just 16 months apart, we’d grown up together; we knew
each other intimately, we were best friends. (You can read a little about
both my sisters’ deaths, here, in chapter 3 of
my new memoir).
Siblings & Grief
Losing Shannon was even harder
for me than losing Miki, and not just because we were closer. For one, I was
older when she died–I understood loss better–but even more, because her husband
had died just two months prior and she left behind two young sons. My husband
and I would raise her sons as our own.
Tragic as it was–hard as it was
to suddenly inherit two sons, and as much as I missed her–I still felt sorrier
for my parents, for her children, for her close friends, for everyone but me. I’m
just the sibling, I thought. How wrong I was. How wrong so many of us
are about siblings and grief.
These two experiences have given
me unique insight into sibling grief. I’ve experienced how the death of two
different siblings, at two different times of my life, and in two unique sets
of circumstances has impacted my family and me. These two death experiences
were completely different. My understanding and the impact these deaths, based
on my age when they died, was completely different. But, both of my sisters’ deaths
had a profound impact on my life.
10 Things Everyone Should Know
About Siblings & Grief
There are many things people need
to learn about siblings and grief. Here are ten I would like everyone to
know.
1) Sibling grief is
often misunderstood—by parents, families, friends,
and counselors, even by the siblings themselves. So much focus is given to the
parents of the lost child, to the children of the lost parent, to the spouse of
the lost adult sibling. And, rightly so. But, what about the siblings? What
about the ones who, like me, have grown up with the deceased? Who believed they
would have a lifetime with their sister or brother? Who now face that lifetime
alone?
2) Sibling grief “has
been almost entirely overlooked in the literature on bereavement.”[1] It’s no wonder, therefore, that even mental health providers
misunderstand sibling grief. How are families supposed to know how to help
siblings through grief if even the research on the subject is lacking?
3) Common emotions
siblings may feel when a brother or sister dies include:
•
Guilt
•
Abandonment
•
Loss of Innocence
•
Fallout from the Family
•
Somatic Symptoms
•
Fears and Anxiety
4) Siblings may feel
“trumped” by the grief of other family members. I sure felt this way, and it’s common, since the focus is
usually on the parents if a young sibling dies and on the surviving spouse or
children if an older sibling dies. This may lead to minimizing a sibling’s own
loss.
5) Young siblings lose
innocence when a brother or sister dies, which may lead to fears and
anxiety; “Survivor guilt” is also common. Experiencing death as a child becomes a lifelong
experience of processing and understanding the loss. Children grow up with
grief, understanding more as they get older. Fear of death or dying is common.
Anxiety or worry about getting sick may become prevalent. In young siblings,
guilt for provocative behavior or for unacceptable feelings (jealousy) is
common. Young children may think, before the death, “I wish my brother were
dead!” then believe they somehow caused it to happen. Older siblings may
wonder, “Why them and not me?” Because siblings are usually similar in age, it
can bring up many questions about the sibling’s own life and death, and guilt
along with it.
6) Surviving children
do, unfortunately, end up taking the fallout from parents’, siblings’, or other
family members’ mistakes, emotional blowups, or neglect. In many ways, siblings often experience a double loss: the loss
of their sister or brother, and the loss of their parents (at least for a time,
but sometimes, permanently). I know this from experience. Though my parents did
the best they could, after my youngest sister died, our entire family was
different. My mom retreated into her own grief, staying in her room, depressed
and sick for years. My dad retreated into work and anything to take his mind
from his pain. Luckily, I was already on my own, in college, at the time; my
younger siblings weren’t so lucky. At 9, 11, 14, and 17 years old, they grew up
with a completely different set of parents than I had. I tried to step in as a
“parent” figure over the years, but the separation from my parents in their
time of need profoundly influenced their lives. It profoundly influenced my
life. It profoundly changed our family.
7) Siblings may
manifest somatic symptoms of grief, including symptoms that mimic the deceased
sibling’s symptoms. Especially in young children,
symptoms like stomachaches, headaches, nightmares, body pain, digestive symptoms,
and trouble sleeping are common. These should be seen as symptoms of
grief, and hopefully, an adult in the family can help
siblings work through their feelings and show them how to grieve.
8) Having someone
explain the loss to younger siblings, to be there for them and help them
grieve, is ideal. Little children don’t comprehend
death in the same way adults do. It is therefore important to have somebody who
can walk them through the loss and the grief process, to explain it wasn’t
their fault, to validate what they feel. If parents aren’t able to do so,
another family member or friend may, and hopefully will, step in.
9) Even adult
siblings will feel the loss deeply. The pain
isn’t less simply because you’re older. In fact, in many ways, it’s harder. You
understand more. You know what it means to die, and you will feel the pain of
the loss in a different way than young children, who still haven’t developed
abstract thinking and understanding, will. Grieve your loss. If you’re not sure
how, here are some
ideas.
10) My best advice for
siblings in grief: Feel the loss as long as you need to, and give yourself time
to heal. Because sibling loss is so misunderstood,
you may receive messages that make you feel like you should be “over it by
now.” They don’t know sibling loss. Now, you do. It takes time. Lots of time.
It’s not about “getting over” the loss of a sibling. You don’t get over it. You
create your life and move on, when you’re ready. But you will always remember
your brother or sister—the missing piece of your life.
