Girls...

I am missing 3 of my girls, totally and completely!  Ugh!  But they are enjoying camping and I am glad for that.  Still, I can't wait to have them home.

Since I seem to be on a roll with lists lately...

Siblings and Grief
Rules for Sons
Thoughts on Marriage

Let's give it a shot for girls...


1)  Remember that "pretty" is in the eye of the beholder.  "Beauty" is something you cultivate.

2)  Develop your vocabulary.  Refrain from using slang, fad, or lazy expressions.

3) You will always learn more by talking less.  You will often say more by talking less.

4)  Find mentors early.  Be one later.

5)  You are strong, independent, and capable.  Cultivate that and learn to do hard things.  But if a man offers to do something for you, gracefully accept his help.  It builds chivalry in him and beauty in you.

6)  Remember that guilt is an unsuitable motivator.

7)  Even if it seems as though something goes without saying, if it is important to you, say it anyway.

8)  No matter what is in front of you, walk toward it with confidence.

9)  Everyone is afraid of something.  What makes you courageous is the choice to press on anyway.

10)  A man who criticizes you in public is not worthy of you.

11)  Do not be afraid of failure.  It is often a great teacher.

12)  Never text or email something you don't want the whole world to see.

13)  Lighten up.  Be able to laugh at yourself.

14)  Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

15)  Happiness is not a permanent state.  Joy is.  Don't confuse the two.

16)  "Can't" is a cop out.

17)  If you can't smile with your eyes, don't smile.  Insincerity is nothing to aspire to.

18)  If you have an opinion, you better know why.

19)  Wish on stars and dandelions, then work to make them happen.

20)  Love is a decision.  When you finally choose to give your heart to someone, let yourself fall in love completely, totally, and fully.  Don't hold back.  

21)  If it was easy, everyone would do it.  The hard is what makes it great.

22)  If you want to be happy, practice giving happiness to others.

23)  Say "Please," "Thank you," and "Pardon me," whenever the situation warrants it.

24)  Question everything.

25)  If a boy makes you feel less than wonderful, walk away.  You deserve better.

26)  Don't sweat the small stuff.  Don't lose perspective.  And don't hold grudges.

27)  Be sensitive to the feelings of others.  But remember that "yes" and "no" are up to you.

28)  You are created to be feminine.  Dress like it.  Speak like it.  Act like it.

29)  If you must turn a young man down, do so gracefully.  And don't chat it up to your girlfriends.  Think about how hard it must have been for him to make a move.

30)  There is a price to pay for love.  But it is worth it.  Always.

The Story of Us #24

This week, Michael and I celebrated our 24th anniversary.  Truthfully, it doesn't seem like it's been that long.  I just can't believe the years have gone by so quickly.

We have had some of the very best times together.  We have also gone through some of the worst things imaginable.  It definitely hasn't always been easy.  It has certainly been a process of sanctification for us both.  But, at the end of the day, I'm so thankful and blessed that I get to walk this life with my best friend.

He can still figure out how to surprise me... (sort of)

And we're blessed with the sweetest children...

Sarah caught this fun succession of photos of Michael trying to convince me of something or other... 😂

I'm so glad we have a lot of fun together!  I have to admit, he's the fun one (usually).  I'm just along for the ride.

Okay, so here's the story I promised last week.  A story about patience and waiting.

I'm going to tell on myself here.  For those who don't already know, this is the level of my patience.  It really hasn't changed over the years, either.  I still like to be in control of all things, know what's going on, dislike surprises, etc.

Michael and I worked for the same company.  That was how we met.  We actually had plans to set each other up with friends, originally, although neither plan worked out.  LOL!

Turns out, I was looking for a church, so he invited me to come with him.  We started hanging out in April, just friends and mostly in groups, for several months.  He finally asked me out (on a real date) in September.  I always say that he could have asked me to marry him on that day and I would've said, "Yes," but he made me wait THREE WHOLE MONTHS!!! 😂😂😂

And that's the truth.  I already knew at that point that he was exactly what I wanted, but he was much more reserved and cautious than I was.  So we dated.  We spent every single possible moment together for half of September, all of October and November, and by December I had had all the waiting I wanted.  😝

Now, 3 months is a significant amount of time for anyone, but for a person with my level of patience, well, it's just FOREVER...

I already knew that he had broken things off with a couple of ladies who wanted more of a relationship than he did and, to be frank, I wasn't into wasting time.  (Haha! Some things never change!) I knew I wanted to get married and to have children and I was not getting any younger!!!  Okay, I was 20, but, hey...aren't all young people ready to start their "real" life????

Anyway, one night I pinned him down.  I wanted to know where things were headed or if I was wasting my time.  He was pretty speechless at first but eventually got a few words out that he was serious about pursuing a relationship that would end in marriage.  Funny thing is, he typically runs the other way when someone pins him down on something.  Seriously.  I mean, opposite direction entirely.  He becomes a stonewall and there's no getting through.  And he says he thought about not giving me an answer, playing it cool, and just making me wait, but he was afraid I would break things off (which I absolutely would have) and then where would he be?  What I didn't know at the time was that he had rings at the jewelers, being designed but wanted to surprise me.  But surprises are so overrated!!!!

Three weeks later he asked me to marry him.  For some odd reason, everyone told us we needed a minimum of 6 months to plan the wedding so we set the date for July.  We SOOOOOO did not need 6 months.  Maybe 2 weeks.  Ugh.  But, we waited.  So, July it is...

See...I can wait.  I just needed to know there was something worth waiting for. 😉

So here we are, 24 years later.  He's still the one who makes my heart skip a beat.  He's still the one I count on.  He's still my most trusted confidant.  And I'm still his biggest fan.  (And he's mine). 😍  I only wish I had met him sooner...😘

This past week I've been thinking about what it is that's kept us together and happy through all of these years, all of the ups and downs, peaks and valleys.  Of course, the short answer is, God.  But I wanted to give a small list of things we've done that have been beneficial to our marriage.  Some of the things we just kind of knew from being Christians, but we actually talked about putting them into practice so we both knew where things stood.  Many of the things we learned from a Marriage Retreat we went to when we hit a particularly rough spot.  

1) Put God first, always.  He comes before the marriage.  Before children.  Before holidays.  Before events.  Seriously, FIRST.

2) Marriage isn't 50/50.  Both people have to give it 100%.  A friend of mine used to say, "You either give 100% or you fail 100%."

3) Divorce is never an option.  The marriage covenant is a solemn vow and it is absolutely "until death do us part."  Don't make threats...

4) Don't share personal problems.  If you need to talk to someone about issues, make sure it's a professional.  Your friends (or family) never need to hear your dirty laundry.  You'll forgive.  It won't be so easy for them.

5) Forgive and forget.  The past is in the past.  Take the time that it takes to work on an issue, but once you hash it out, don't keep bringing it back up.  This one I actually learned from watching a married couple before we married.  She kept a calendar of every time he hurt her or did something she didn't like and would bring it out every time they argued.  Every.  Single.  Time.  Obviously their marriage did not last.

6) Choose to love, even when it isn't deserved.

7) Speak well of each other.  Don't lie, but let the good things be heard.  Compliment each other, especially in private.

8) Don't put yourself in compromising situations or where there could be an "appearance of evil."

9) Be content with what you have.  Be gentle.  Anger destroys relationships.

10)  If the grass is greener on the other side, maybe it's because there's more work being put into it.

I'm sure there's more, but that's a pretty good baseline. 

Here's wishing all my friends a healthy, happy, Christ-honoring, love-filled marriage! 😍 And a very happy anniversary to my man!

A little disclaimer, this list is for a Christian marriage.  Abusive situations are different and I understand that.  This list is not for the abused.

Let Freedom Ring

Lots of company lately!  Whew!  It's been busy.  Good busy.  It helps keep my mind busy.  I haven't been good at taking pictures...can you believe it?  But here are a few from Independence Day...

We are putting in a patio under the swing at William's grave.  I got an idea and Michael made it happen.  He's so good to me.  😍  It is nearly complete.  We just need to pour the concrete.  Then it has to cure for 30 days before I can dye it.  This waiting thing is for the birds.  Everyone knows I am not a patient person.  But I CAN wait...if I know there's something happening and something worth waiting for.  Hmmm...that makes me think of a story I'll have to tell next week. 😂

I am kind of a sarcastic person. 😳  I love a good joke.  I love to tease.  Sometimes I can take it too far, but the truth is, if I'm messing with a person it's only because I like them.  So if I give you a hard time about something, be honored.  It's when I'm quiet that you have to worry....😏  I also joke about my boys a bit.  About them being wild and untamed, energetic and causing grey hairs.  And they are definitely different than the girls, but the truth is, I love it.  I love how adventurous and busy they are and it really doesn't bother me that things get broken sometimes.  Well, maybe a little...😂

I feel like I used to be good at parenting.  Decent, at least.  Now I'm kind of lost.  I don't really know what the right thing to do is.  I just do the best I can and pray that God will fill in the holes.

I found this list and I think it's excellent.  I see so many young men who don't understand these "old-timey" basics.  It's time to relearn them.  I know just a couple of young men who have most of this list down pat.  I hope my own sons get it.

RULES FOR SONS:

1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.
2. Don’t enter a pool by the stairs. (*this one is strange and I'm not quite sure about it)
3. The man at the BBQ Grill is the closest thing to a king. (*a little goofy, but okay)
4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.
5. Request the late check-out.
6. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.
7. Hold your heroes to a higher standard.
8. Return a borrowed car with a full tank of gas.
9. Play with passion or not at all…
10. When shaking hands, grip firmly and look them in the eye.
11. Don’t let a wishbone grow where a backbone should be.
12. If you need music on the beach, you’re missing the point.
13. Carry two handkerchiefs. The one in your back pocket is for you. The one in your breast pocket is for her. (*Yes! Always take care of your girl!)
14. You marry the girl, you marry her family. (Absolutely!  So, so true!)
15. Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like crazy underneath.
16. Never be afraid to ask out the girl who is way out of your league. (*Absolutely! Confidence makes a man attractive - but not arrogance.)
17. Never turn down a breath mint.
18. A sport coat is worth 1000 words. (*Yep!!!!!)
19. Try writing your own eulogy. Never stop revising.
20. Thank a veteran. Then make it up to him.
21. Eat lunch with the new kid.
22. After writing an angry email, read it carefully. Then delete it.
23. Ask your mother to play. She won’t let you win. (😂Nope!)
24. Manners maketh the man. (😍)
25. Give credit. Take the blame. (*Yep!)
26. Stand up to bullies. Protect those bullied.
27. Write down your dreams.
28. Always protect your siblings.
29. Be confident and humble at the same time.
30. The healthiest relationships are those where you’re a team; where you respect, protect, and stand up for each other.  Choose people who you can have this type of relationship with.

I can't even put thoughts together, I miss him so much.  Holidays are hard.  Every day is hard.  He should be here.  It just doesn't seem right for things to go on without him.  I live in a fog.  I can't remember numbers or ages.  I have to concentrate to think about how old he would be or how old anyone else IS.  Time stopped for me that day.  Yet it continues.

Siblings and Grief

Over and over, I hear of parents searching for answers on how to help their grieving children.  I don't have a spectacular "quick fix," other than to say that we have to continue to point them to the Lord.  Even when everyone else fails us, His love never does.  But it doesn't mean it's easy to walk through that valley.

I know the girls have struggled with William's death.  They were more than siblings, they were caregivers.  They were deeply invested in his life.  And they wouldn't have had it any other way.

But after his death, I don't think people really knew what to do with them.  I think most people just expected them to be fine.  Very few people have given them the opportunity to be otherwise.  Of course, the church split which happened right after William's death took up everyone's attention and they were largely forgotten.

We are muddling through.  It's still hard.  Perhaps it always will be.  I don't know.  But I do know it seems like we are starting to come alive again.  They are beginning to reach out and forge relationships again.  Slowly.  It was difficult for them before.  It's nearly impossible now, but at least they are trying.

I read this article on Dr. Christina Hibbert's site entitled "Siblings & Grief: 10 Things Everyone Should Know."  I've posted the article in it's entirety here because I feel it's important to shed light on  forgotten grievers and hopefully someone will find it helpful.  If for nothing else, than to find a place of grace for others...

"I’m an expert on siblings and grief. Not because I’m a psychologist who specializes in grief. No. I am an expert because I have lost two of my sisters.

As I write, it is September 8, 2013—20 years to the day that my youngest sister, McLean, or Miki as we called her, died. She died of cancer of the kidneys. She was eight years old. I was eighteen. We buried Miki on September 11, 1993, my mom’s birthday—a date that would forever be marked for my family, a date that would become marked for the United States, and the world, just eight years later.

On October 17, 2007, my closest sister, Shannon, died. Just 16 months apart, we’d grown up together; we knew each other intimately, we were best friends. (You can read a little about both my sisters’ deaths, here, in chapter 3 of my new memoir).

Siblings & Grief

Losing Shannon was even harder for me than losing Miki, and not just because we were closer. For one, I was older when she died–I understood loss better–but even more, because her husband had died just two months prior and she left behind two young sons. My husband and I would raise her sons as our own.

Tragic as it was–hard as it was to suddenly inherit two sons, and as much as I missed her–I still felt sorrier for my parents, for her children, for her close friends, for everyone but me. I’m just the sibling, I thought. How wrong I was. How wrong so many of us are about siblings and grief.

These two experiences have given me unique insight into sibling grief. I’ve experienced how the death of two different siblings, at two different times of my life, and in two unique sets of circumstances has impacted my family and me. These two death experiences were completely different. My understanding and the impact these deaths, based on my age when they died, was completely different. But, both of my sisters’ deaths had a profound impact on my life.

10 Things Everyone Should Know About Siblings & Grief

There are many things people need to learn about siblings and grief. Here are ten I would like everyone to know.

1)   Sibling grief is often misunderstood—by parents, families, friends, and counselors, even by the siblings themselves. So much focus is given to the parents of the lost child, to the children of the lost parent, to the spouse of the lost adult sibling. And, rightly so. But, what about the siblings? What about the ones who, like me, have grown up with the deceased? Who believed they would have a lifetime with their sister or brother? Who now face that lifetime alone?

2)   Sibling grief “has been almost entirely overlooked in the literature on bereavement.”[1] It’s no wonder, therefore, that even mental health providers misunderstand sibling grief. How are families supposed to know how to help siblings through grief if even the research on the subject is lacking?

3)   Common emotions siblings may feel when a brother or sister dies include:

•    Guilt

•   Abandonment

•   Loss of Innocence

•   Fallout from the Family

•   Somatic Symptoms

•   Fears and Anxiety

4)   Siblings may feel “trumped” by the grief of other family members. I sure felt this way, and it’s common, since the focus is usually on the parents if a young sibling dies and on the surviving spouse or children if an older sibling dies. This may lead to minimizing a sibling’s own loss.

5)   Young siblings lose innocence when a brother or sister dies, which may lead to fears and anxiety; “Survivor guilt” is also common. Experiencing death as a child becomes a lifelong experience of processing and understanding the loss. Children grow up with grief, understanding more as they get older. Fear of death or dying is common. Anxiety or worry about getting sick may become prevalent. In young siblings, guilt for provocative behavior or for unacceptable feelings (jealousy) is common. Young children may think, before the death, “I wish my brother were dead!” then believe they somehow caused it to happen. Older siblings may wonder, “Why them and not me?” Because siblings are usually similar in age, it can bring up many questions about the sibling’s own life and death, and guilt along with it.

6)   Surviving children do, unfortunately, end up taking the fallout from parents’, siblings’, or other family members’ mistakes, emotional blowups, or neglect. In many ways, siblings often experience a double loss: the loss of their sister or brother, and the loss of their parents (at least for a time, but sometimes, permanently). I know this from experience. Though my parents did the best they could, after my youngest sister died, our entire family was different. My mom retreated into her own grief, staying in her room, depressed and sick for years. My dad retreated into work and anything to take his mind from his pain. Luckily, I was already on my own, in college, at the time; my younger siblings weren’t so lucky. At 9, 11, 14, and 17 years old, they grew up with a completely different set of parents than I had. I tried to step in as a “parent” figure over the years, but the separation from my parents in their time of need profoundly influenced their lives. It profoundly influenced my life. It profoundly changed our family.

7)   Siblings may manifest somatic symptoms of grief, including symptoms that mimic the deceased sibling’s symptoms. Especially in young children, symptoms like stomachaches, headaches, nightmares, body pain, digestive symptoms, and trouble sleeping are common. These should be seen as symptoms of grief, and hopefully, an adult in the family can help siblings work through their feelings and show them how to grieve.

8)   Having someone explain the loss to younger siblings, to be there for them and help them grieve, is ideal. Little children don’t comprehend death in the same way adults do. It is therefore important to have somebody who can walk them through the loss and the grief process, to explain it wasn’t their fault, to validate what they feel. If parents aren’t able to do so, another family member or friend may, and hopefully will, step in.

9)   Even adult siblings will feel the loss deeply. The pain isn’t less simply because you’re older. In fact, in many ways, it’s harder. You understand more. You know what it means to die, and you will feel the pain of the loss in a different way than young children, who still haven’t developed abstract thinking and understanding, will. Grieve your loss. If you’re not sure how, here are some ideas.

10)  My best advice for siblings in grief: Feel the loss as long as you need to, and give yourself time to heal. Because sibling loss is so misunderstood, you may receive messages that make you feel like you should be “over it by now.” They don’t know sibling loss. Now, you do. It takes time. Lots of time. It’s not about “getting over” the loss of a sibling. You don’t get over it. You create your life and move on, when you’re ready. But you will always remember your brother or sister—the missing piece of your life. 

I once heard someone say, “When a parent dies, you lose the past. When a child dies, you lose the future. When a sibling dies, you lose the past and the future.” That is the grief of a sibling—grief for what was past, and grief for what should have been the future. Just remember these things, my friends. Remember to be there for siblings in grief. You can be the difference in helping them create a bright future, even if they now must do so without their beloved sibling."