Even at this time of year, I find myself waring between joy and thankfulness, and grief and apathy. Some days are good. Other days I really struggle to pull out of the funk. I wonder if that will ever go away? I hope it does. I just have to keep doing the next right thing.
One of the traditions our family enjoys is bread-making for our community. It's usually a family effort, but a few of the older girls were down with illness this year. I only got a few pictures of phase 1, for delivery this week...
Everyone can do something...
Here's a funny...with all the baking, we actually had to buy eggs from the store, which hasn't happened in awhile. I was making a few grain-free, sugar-free, gluten-free loaves and Michael decided to help me by blending the eggs. As he got the eggs out, I asked, "Did you wash them?" He replied, "Do they need to be washed?" Me, incredulously, "Ummm, yeah! They're probably coated with chitosan! You always wash store-bought eggs!" To which he replied, "Can't I just spray them with Thieves?" LOL! No, he wasn't serious. He's a major jokester! And so quick-witted! 😂(Disclaimer: I have no idea if organic eggs are sprayed with chitosan or not...I just kind of thought all store eggs were.)
48 individual loaves and 24 full-sized loaves later, and phase 1 is complete.
We will be hosting our extended family Thanksgiving celebration at our house this year. It's actually my first time. I really wish William could be part of it. I miss him so desperately. I wonder if the day will come when the grief is not so acute? It hardly seems likely. And it seems that holidays and family celebrations just make it all the more glaring.
I've been thinking about surviving those times. There's so much I see going around FB about how to do things...how to help a griever get through the holidays, what to say, how to act, how to include the one you're missing, etc. Honestly, most of it I read makes me shake my head. There is really no "one way" to love a griever. It's as individual as the person. And really, some friends have the staying power and others don't. That is a sad fact.
I read a post the other day about "helpful hints." One idea it listed was to set an extra plate or leave an empty chair for the person who has passed on to eternity. Ugh. I absolutely could not stay at a dinner where that happened. That would not be helpful to me in any way, shape, or form. If that brings someone peace, I'm glad for them, but it would send me running in the other direction.
Like I said, everyone is different. For me, it means a lot to me for people to let me know they remember William. Not everyday or every moment or every time I see them...not even very often. Just occasionally. A 2-second gesture can mean everything. Sometimes just a hug of acknowledgement without saying a word is the best gift ever.
By the same token, the thing that hurts the most are the non-acknowledgments. Complete ignoring of his life and the value of it. People who can so easily forget him and go day after day, week after week, year after year without thinking of him or remembering his sweet, little personality, his orneriness, his smile, his playfulness, his big, loving, generous heart...those are the people it is hard to be around.
So, if you're trying to help a griever through this Thanksgiving season, don't just read an idea and go with it. Talk to them. Find out what they need. What they desire. And if they don't know, don't give up on them. Hang with them. Pay attention. It takes time. And patience. I'm so very thankful for those who have done that for me. You are a bright spot in my life and I thank you.
