Illness...

It's been a busy and full week.  We enjoyed hosting two Thanksgiving celebrations then attending a fun party.  Then I got sick and I've been in bed since Friday night.  😞

Traditions can be pretty tough. It's really hard to do things without him. We give gifts to our children on Thanksgiving: something needed, something wanted, something educational, and something to grow spiritually. It was especially difficult not to buy gifts for him this year. So I bought gifts for 4 people he loved dearly instead. That was fun!

Being sick has given me lots of time to think.  Perhaps not rationally, though, because of the fever.  So, today, I will keep my thoughts to myself, as they are deep and dark and probably not worth sharing.

However, I will say, I think this week has been really good for me.  No faces, no masks, no participation.  Just the bed.  I know eventually I am going to have to get up and face reality again, but for now, it is doing just fine without me...

Thanksgiving

Remembering what I'm thankful for today, even in the midst of great sorrow...

This morning as we were all praying, it came to Andrew's turn. I love to watch him pray. He squeezes his eyes shut and bows his head and is so very serious about it. As he prayed though, I thought of William and how differently he prayed. William never closed his eyes, nor bowed his head. In fact, his head was typically lifted up to the Lord. And he poured his heart out to God. How differently we do things when we see with our hearts and not our eyes...

Giving Thanks

I love this time of year.  Maybe not as much as I once did, but it's still my favorite time of year.  I like being focused on giving thanks.  I wish it was more natural for me to be thankful in all things, at all time, but it's been especially hard for me to do so.  I actually have to remind myself daily to be thankful, even though I have so much to be grateful for.  But it's so easy to let discouragement and heartache take over.  It's something I battle regularly.

Even at this time of year, I find myself waring between joy and thankfulness, and grief and apathy.  Some days are good.  Other days I really struggle to pull out of the funk.  I wonder if that will ever go away?  I hope it does.  I just have to keep doing the next right thing.

One of the traditions our family enjoys is bread-making for our community.  It's usually a family effort, but a few of the older girls were down with illness this year.  I only got a few pictures of phase 1, for delivery this week...

Everyone can do something...

Here's a funny...with all the baking, we actually had to buy eggs from the store, which hasn't happened in awhile.  I was making a few grain-free, sugar-free, gluten-free loaves and Michael decided to help me by blending the eggs.  As he got the eggs out, I asked, "Did you wash them?"  He replied, "Do they need to be washed?"  Me, incredulously, "Ummm, yeah!  They're probably coated with chitosan! You always wash store-bought eggs!"  To which he replied, "Can't I just spray them with Thieves?"  LOL!  No, he wasn't serious.  He's a major jokester!  And so quick-witted!  😂(Disclaimer: I have no idea if organic eggs are sprayed with chitosan or not...I just kind of thought all store eggs were.)

48 individual loaves and 24 full-sized loaves later, and phase 1 is complete.

We will be hosting our extended family Thanksgiving celebration at our house this year.  It's actually my first time.  I really wish William could be part of it.  I miss him so desperately.  I wonder if the day will come when the grief is not so acute?  It hardly seems likely.  And it seems that holidays and family celebrations just make it all the more glaring.

I've been thinking about surviving those times.  There's so much I see going around FB about how to do things...how to help a griever get through the holidays, what to say, how to act, how to include the one you're missing, etc.  Honestly, most of it I read makes me shake my head.  There is really no "one way" to love a griever.  It's as individual as the person.  And really, some friends have the staying power and others don't.  That is a sad fact.

I read a post the other day about "helpful hints."  One idea it listed was to set an extra plate or leave an empty chair for the person who has passed on to eternity.  Ugh.  I absolutely could not stay at a dinner where that happened.  That would not be helpful to me in any way, shape, or form.  If that brings someone peace, I'm glad for them, but it would send me running in the other direction.

Like I said, everyone is different.  For me, it means a lot to me for people to let me know they remember William.  Not everyday or every moment or every time I see them...not even very often.  Just occasionally.  A 2-second gesture can mean everything.  Sometimes just a hug of acknowledgement without saying a word is the best gift ever.

By the same token, the thing that hurts the most are the non-acknowledgments.  Complete ignoring of his life and the value of it.  People who can so easily forget him and go day after day, week after week, year after year without thinking of him or remembering his sweet, little personality, his orneriness, his smile, his playfulness, his big, loving, generous heart...those are the people it is hard to be around.

So, if you're trying to help a griever through this Thanksgiving season, don't just read an idea and go with it.  Talk to them.  Find out what they need.  What they desire.  And if they don't know, don't give up on them.  Hang with them.  Pay attention.  It takes time.  And patience.  I'm so very thankful for those who have done that for me.  You are a bright spot in my life and I thank you.

Paintball!

We had a blast playing paintball with some friends on Saturday!

Preparing to attack the fort...

The black masks in the fort windows certainly look erie!

We all got hit (more than once). :)

You better watch out for these two! They're a force to be reckoned with!

All covered in paint, but we had so much fun! Can't wait until next time!

After we all cleaned up we went to the Norwood's house for dinner and games. It such a fun time of fellowship! And let's just say you learn a lot of interesting stories after you're all exhausted from paintball. :)

 posted by Sarah

All About Abby...

It's hard for me to believe she is 21!  Although, in many ways she's been less of a child and more of a friend for many years.

One of the many things I love about Abby is that she is fiercely loyal.  Not stupidly loyal, but mightily so.  She does not give her good opinion easily, but once it is earned it is not easily lost, either.  She would hate this comparison, but it reminds me somewhat of Mr. Darcy telling Miss Bennett, "But your good opinion is rarely bestowed and therefore, more worth the earning." 😜

Thinking back on her growing years of course got me to looking through pictures and bringing up memories.  I love this picture which so perfectly illustrates the early years of her relationship with Sarah: she was so completely ornery and got them into so much trouble, while Sarah was extremely reserved, timid, and afraid to try anything without Abby's prompting.  I love how Abby has a band-aid on her chin and is covered in stamps and is so obviously proud of herself!

She has always loved animals...I remember when she was around 7, Sarah's cat had kittens and one was not breathing when it was born.  I really thought it was dead and would have buried the poor thing, but Abby got the idea to swing it back and forth, pat it vigorously, and pump on it until it started breathing.  It survived!  Then there was the time she brought baby goats into the house at night so they wouldn't freeze...

Abby has always been so good with the little children...teaching them, playing with them, including them in everything.  For her 14th birthday she asked for an infant seat for her bicycle so she could take them on rides!

Of course she has always loved horses...I think my favorite "horsey" picture is still the one of her competing on Prancer at liberty, or bridleless (bottom right).

And we have enjoyed her immensely!

As I was looking over pictures, I thought about all the ways she's changed over the years.  From the little girl who didn't meet a stranger and chatted away private details to every person she saw to the young woman who is largely guarded and private, she has experienced much in her young life.  From the outside, looking in, it might appear that the successes come easy, but she is an industrious and earnest worker who sets goals and pursues them diligently.

And I'm proud of her for her work ethic.  But I think I'm more impressed with how she has handled the disappointments in her life.  Especially as an adult.

We had fun celebrating her birthday.  Of course, being Abby, she did things differently... We typically go out to dinner to celebrate 21, but she opted to stay home!

Hanging out with siblings...

The "adult" girls...we are so blessed to have these 4 wonderful women setting the example for children in our home.  We could not possibly ask for better role models.

Just the girls...

The clan...

I have no idea what crazy antics Papa was in the midst of, but he scooted himself right out of the picture! (Like father, like son?)

Absolutely!

Goofing around...there's almost always someone rolling eyes or shaking their head in our house!  Usually me! 😜

We had a wonderful time celebrating Abby.  We are blessed to have her.  Happy 21st birthday, my love!

Matthew

Matthew was a sweet and good friend to William.

He is the first of William's buddies to get married.

It was a beautiful ceremony and fun reception.

I laughed.  I cried.  Of course, I thought about William and how much he loved Matthew.  I thought about how much Matthew loved William.  I thought about how much William would have loved watching his friend find love and happiness.

But mostly, I thought about Matthew and how life is constantly changing.  As well it should.  It is good to go forward.  It is good to watch God's plan for our lives unfold, to find our purpose.

I find myself actually looking forward to my girls finding love and happiness.  I look forward to watching them marry and have children and live life.

The preacher told a sweet story of the bamboo tree: It does practically nothing for 5 years.  You water it and care for it with seemingly no results.  But in the 5th year, it grows 80 feet in 6 weeks.  Did it grow 80 feet in 6 weeks or did it grow 80 feet in 5 years?  Obviously it grew 80 feet in 5 years...it was growing a strong root system that would support it during hard times.  What you feed, water, nurture, and care for WILL grow.  If you nurture seeds of bitterness, jealousy, and frustration, they will grow.  But if you nurture seeds of love, forgiveness, and joy, they will grow.  We must choose what we will nurture in our marriage.  Hard times will come.  Make sure your roots are strong.