I love Job.
I have found much comfort in the book of Job over the last couple of months. I've immersed myself in it. I'm reading it aloud to the children at night (they picked it😀), along with a couple of commentaries and a children's book on Job. It's been interesting, educational, and uplifting, all at the same time. I love how interested they are in Job's life and the questions they are asking.
I think one thing that some Christians forget is that grief, though different for Christians, is still very real. Of course, we grieve with hope and that makes it bearable. Hope, because Jesus defeated death and all Christians will one day be reunited because of Him.
I've learned a lot over the past 452 days. My faith has grown. So has my sorrow.
There was a time I lived in what I call a "naive" faith. Not that my faith wasn't real. It was very real. But I had an easy life. A comfortable life. I enjoyed the world, perhaps too much.
I now understand what it is to truly long for eternity. This world is not my home and I am glad of it. My eternal perspective has become more acute.
I think so often we see people who are continuing life, continuing routine, participating in daily activities and we forget that they're hurting. It is possible for me to go about my daily business without one person seeing the grief, but it's still there. Church, home life, school, ministry...it's all still happening but there is not a single moment in any day when my heart doesn't ache with longing to hold my sweet William again.
That's part of why I continue the blog. I wanted a place to be real. Sometimes Christians look to others for comfort only to find judgment or condemnation about how we should be responding. I get that people do not understand, nor would I want them to. I try to show grace, though admittedly sometimes it's easier than others. But I also don't want to hurt those who are grieving even more than they already hurt. When others see me living "normally," I do not wish to give the false impression that the sorrow is gone. That the pain is not there. Or even that I am strong enough to bear it.
My love for the Lord has grown through this process of grief, not because of me but because of Him. I realize I have fewer answers than before, but my faith might be even greater. He has grown it. He IS growing it. There are so many things I don't know, but I hold to the things I DO know.
I know He's good.
I know He loves me.
I know He loves William.
I know William is with Him, in more fullness than I could imagine.
I know He can handle my questions and my sorrows.
I know He will never leave me, nor forsake me.
I know He will see me through whatever path He calls me to walk on this earth, until He brings me home.
And I know that one day He will turn the ashes to beauty.