Thursday, January 5, 2017

The First Week

Well, I made it.  

I actually made it through 2016.  

Without him.  
Only God knows how.  Or why.

I miss his face.  His hugs.  His voice.  His smile.  I miss everything that was William.

New Year's is a big holiday for our family.  It's an occasion of reflecting back on what we did with the time God gave us during the past year: did we redeem the time or was it wasted?  It's also an occasion to give thanks for that time, that wonderful gift that God gives each of us.  And it's an occasion to look forward, to make plans, to think about what we will do with this great gift as God continues to give it. 

I have to admit, much of the time God gave me last year was wasted.

This turn of the year was more difficult for me than the last one.  The turn from 2015 to 2016 was such a fog, but this year I was more acutely aware of how life has changed, never to be what it once was.

I did have a good time with the family during all the hustle and bustle, but I also spent a good deal of the day in tears.  I have been on the verge of tears ever since.

Saying I miss him almost makes me angry.  It isn't sufficient.  It's interesting how words lose their meaning.  I tire of the words "miss" and "grief" because they are so inadequate.  To continue to say I miss him, while entirely true, seems to minimize the actuality of life.

Grief is brutally painful.  Losing a child is not something that can be fixed.  It doesn't go away.  I know I must somehow learn to carry it.  I think I am beginning to learn.  Not to be rid of the pain, but to work through it anyway.

To accept.

We rang in another year without his beautiful face.

I am a year farther away from the last time I held him in my arms.

Someone survived...I just have to get to know her.

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