It is hard to miss him so fervently. I was working in the other room yesterday and I heard the little children playing and laughing in the living room. I heard his laugh. Loud and clear. It caught me by surprise. That moment of intense joy, clouded by the next moment of bitter disappointment.
I can hardly believe he's been gone more than 9 months. Though I still shed tears everyday, I do not wake up crying anymore. The pain is still so intense, but I am able to cast my cares on the Lord again. But I've learned to stop using the cliches all well-meaning Christians use when we don't know what to do to help. I slept for 2 hours last night and I do not anticipate sleep to find me anytime soon. One might say that if I would give my cares over to the Lord that His peace would cover me to help me sleep. I used to believe that. I've probably said it to someone, brushed aside their trial with a flippant, "Cast all your care upon the Lord, for He cares for you." And He does. Which might be why I'm NOT sleeping. Because when the pain is just too much for me to carry, as it often is, that's when I need Him most. I need Him to remind me of His promises...Hebrews 10:23, "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful." I need this time with Him, more than I ever have before.
And though the darkness can sometimes feel like it will never lift, I know the sun will rise...
P.S. I really like this quote I saw today: "Faith is not believing in my own unshakeable belief. Faith is believing an unshakable God when everything in me trembles and quakes." ~ Beth Moore
Lyrics:
When the lights turn down And the whole world dreams And it’s your turn now Close your eyes and sleep Sometimes it feels like forever When it’s dark outside Baby, the sun will rise Baby, the sun will rise However long the night If you lose your way And your heart is torn May my love sing loud Louder than a thunderstorm Sometimes it feels like forever When it’s dark outside Baby, the sun will rise Baby, the sun will rise However long the night And when you feel afraid And you see shadows on the wall Wherever there is love There is no fear at all
