The Sun Will Rise

It is hard to miss him so fervently.  I was working in the other room yesterday and I heard the little children playing and laughing in the living room.  I heard his laugh.  Loud and clear.  It caught me by surprise.  That moment of intense joy, clouded by the next moment of bitter disappointment.

I can hardly believe he's been gone more than 9 months.  Though I still shed tears everyday, I do not wake up crying anymore.  The pain is still so intense, but I am able to cast my cares on the Lord again.  But I've learned to stop using the cliches all well-meaning Christians use when we don't know what to do to help.  I slept for 2 hours last night and I do not anticipate sleep to find me anytime soon.  One might say that if I would give my cares over to the Lord that His peace would cover me to help me sleep.  I used to believe that.  I've probably said it to someone, brushed aside their trial with a flippant, "Cast all your care upon the Lord, for He cares for you."  And He does.  Which might be why I'm NOT sleeping.  Because when the pain is just too much for me to carry, as it often is, that's when I need Him most.  I need Him to remind me of His promises...Hebrews 10:23, "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful."  I need this time with Him, more than I ever have before.

And though the darkness can sometimes feel like it will never lift, I know the sun will rise...

P.S.  I really like this quote I saw today: "Faith is not believing in my own unshakeable belief. Faith is believing an unshakable God when everything in me trembles and quakes." ~ Beth Moore

Lyrics:
When the lights turn down And the whole world dreams And it’s your turn now Close your eyes and sleep Sometimes it feels like forever When it’s dark outside Baby, the sun will rise Baby, the sun will rise However long the night If you lose your way And your heart is torn May my love sing loud Louder than a thunderstorm Sometimes it feels like forever When it’s dark outside Baby, the sun will rise Baby, the sun will rise However long the night And when you feel afraid And you see shadows on the wall Wherever there is love There is no fear at all

Sydnee and Sherrod

Sydnee and Sherrod have been busy this summer, starting colts.  They attended a colt starting clinic at Diamond L Horsemanship and really enjoyed it.

Sydnee worked with her new horse, Hoodoo.  He is a 3yr old gelding with a kind spirit.  She really likes him.

Sherrod worked with a horse that belongs to another family, Cotton.  He's a nice young guy with a lot of spirit.  He's also up for adoption, if anyone is looking for a young horse.

Sydnee/Hoodoo

Sydnee/Hoodoo

Sydnee/Hoodoo

Sherrod/Cotton

Sherrod/Cotton

Sherrod/Cotton

Both girls learned so much and had a great time.  Working with horses has been so good for them.  Sherrod has picked up the training bug and plans to go with Abby to the 10-week intensive course with Parelli.

I'm just glad there were no broken bones. :) Breaking a horse is no easy feat, but they are patient with their horses...gentle as needed, firm when necessary.  Great training for parenting one day!

With You Always

It doesn't seem like it should be Thursday.  Time is so elusive to me anymore.  It all runs together and I feel overwhelmed so easily.  We are settling into our new normal, as of course we must, but it is difficult.  It takes so much energy to go out into the world and put on our smiles and pretend.  Maybe pretend is the wrong choice of word.  When I join in and laugh or smile, it's not a pretense, but it's a smile through the weight.  It is an exertion that leaves me exhausted and seeking His comfort and rest.

Lyrics:
Just another lonely night inside these walls
Hearing the tears that fall and echo through the halls
In that moment, all alone
When my strength is nearly gone
And it feels like it's the end
I can hear you say again
[ Lyrics from: http://www.cloverlyrics.com/e107653-the_afters~with_you_always_lyrics.html ]
(Chorus)
I am with you
I am with you always
You don't have to be afraid
I'll be comfort through the pain
I am with you
I am with you always
Know that I'll be right beside you
Even on the hardest days
I'm with you always

I have everything I thought I wanted in this life
And from the outside everything is looking fine
But on the inside, crying out
Feels like no one hears me make a sound
But you hear me when I pray
Through the silence I hear you say

(Chorus)

For every moment of your life
For every smile and tear you cry
Even when your heart will break
When it feels like more than you can take
Through every single sleepless night
And every battle that you fight
From now until the end of time
I am with you

(Chorus)

Christians and Sorrow

This morning as I sat at William's grave, I was so pleased that the Ebony & Ivory Crepe Myrtle we planted for his birthday is in full blooming splendor. As I sat on my swing, watering the grass and listening to the beauty of the bells, I thought about how much he would have enjoyed sitting beside me, just being still, holding my hand, and listening...

The wind, the bells, the birds, the horses...wonderful, peaceful sounds. My heart was full of joy.  And sorrow.  I'm fully convinced there is no better place on earth. And yet, I long for a better place. A place not of this world. A place where there is no sorrow, no tears, no goodbyes.

I feel like I am failing here. I cannot get beyond the heartache. Even the hope does not overpower it. And it is compounded by watching my family grieve and break and sorrow, yet being powerless to help them.
But for all the sorrow, there is peace.  There is relief in knowing that I am not in charge here.  It removes a great burden, knowing that God is in control, that He has a plan, and that nothing can thwart it.  In the end, there is victory over grief, sadness, death, sin.
I saw a discussion on a group I belong to today... IS SADNESS SIN? I feel terrible for what some people have to endure.  I know I have friends who are concerned for me and I appreciate it.  I appreciate it because instead of troubling me by telling me how I should behave or how long I'm allowed to grieve, my friends are driven to their knees in prayer for me, asking God to comfort me, seeking wisdom on how they can be His hands during such an awful time.  I am so blessed by that.  Grateful for those who understand that though grief feels like a perpetual oxymoron, it brings a world where opposites exist not in contrast to each other, but as companions.  Sorrow does not erase thankfulness.  Heartache does not abolish joy.  Grief does not expel peace.  They all come together, forming a new person.
Paul David Tripp says, "In times of death, Christians should be sadder than anyone else.  We know how sin brought death into the world.  We mourn not only for the loved one we have lost, but also for the fact that death continues to destroy.  We live in a place where something that was never meant to be has become common experience.  We know how wonderful life on earth could have been.
Yet we should also be the most hopeful of any who mourn.  God brings the best things out of the worst.  Even in the darkest moments, we are never alone.  The death and resurrection of Christ stand as a sure and reliable promise that someday death will die."
I am sad.  I expect that I will continue to be sad.  Every day.  For the rest of my life.  I could not stop missing him any more than I could stop loving him.  But the hope of joining him comforts me.  And in the darkest moments when I just don't feel like I can face another day, I know I am not alone.  He sends the Comforter to carry me, to strengthen me.  No, sorrow is not sin.  It is sorrow that drives us to our knees and into deeper relationship with the Father who created us.  It is sorrow that reminds us, this world is not our home.  Praise the Lord, there is more to this life...

Tell Your Heart to Beat Again

 This week seems to have been really hard for some reason.  I think that's one of the hardest things about grief...it's so unpredictable.  Some days I feel like I'm doing really well at holding onto Jesus and letting Him pull me out of the mire.  Other days (or weeks), I feel like I'm suffocating.  I can't see the light through the darkness, but I'm still trying to find it.  I feel like I'm not even living but it's some other person making my body go through motions.  People speak to me and I can hear their voice, but I can't seem to comprehend what they are saying.  It's frustrating.

I am trying to let God's grace wash over me.  I need Him now more than ever...

Lyrics:
You're shattered like you've never been before The life you knew In a thousand pieces on the floor Words fall short in times like these When this world drives you to your knees You think you're never gonna get back To the you that used to be
Tell your heart to beat again Close your eyes and breathe it in Let the shadows fall away Step into the light of grace Yesterday is a closing door You don't live there anymore Say goodbye to where you've been And tell your heart to beat again Beginning
Just let that word wash over you It's alright now Loves healing hands have pulled you through So get back up Take step one Leave the darkness Feel the sun Cause your story's far from over And your journey's just begun Tell your heart to beat again Close your eyes and breathe it in Let the shadows fall away Step into the light of grace Yesterday is a closing door You don't live there anymore Say goodbye to where you've been And tell your heart to beat again Let every heartbreak And every scar Be a picture that reminds you Who has carried you this far Cause love sees farther Than you ever could In this moment heaven's working Everything for your good Tell your heart to beat again Close your eyes and breathe it in Let the shadows fall away Step into the light of grace Yesterday is a closing door You don't live there anymore Say goodbye to where you've been And tell your heart to beat again Your heart to beat again Beat again Ohh so tell your heart to beat again

Overwhelmed

This meme is actually supposed to be for an introvert but I feel that it describes me now.  I feel done today.  I don't know why.  It just seems too hard to take another step.  Too much.  I think I'll go sit at my swing for awhile...

Peace

The monument was a good idea. No matter how sad or angry or frustrated I feel at missing William, one look at the monument makes me think of his smiling face, finishing his race, running into the arms of Jesus.

My swing is in the perfect place. Whether I am alone in the early morning or sitting, watching the children busy at work watering flowers or hunting ants, it is a spot of peace.

My heart still hurts.  I am finding places of peace, but I still feel defeated.  I am so thankful for the Hope of seeing him again, but the missing him seems more than I can bear.

Nearer My God to Thee

So, I didn't forget about the Tunes on Thursdays yesterday... It just got really crazy. :)  I thought about pulling in a song when I was up through the night but I really thought I would have time later in the day.  No dice.  So here I am on this extremely rainy morning, listening to one of my favorites and thinking about William.  Everything has become so hard.

Sometimes I really wonder if we'll make it through.  Grieving is such a hard process.  It runs deep and there isn't really a break from it.  I think it's hard for some Christians to understand because even though we do not grieve as those who have no hope, we do still grieve.  It may be different, but it's still very real and very powerful.  I know I will see William again, but I have still lost his childhood.  I have a lifetime ahead of me, however long that may be, without his sweet smile, his loving arms around my neck, his ornery playfulness.

More than one person has expressed confidence in my ability to grieve well.  Comments like, "Your faith is strong enough to get you through," or, "If anyone's faith can survive this, yours can..."  But the truth is, NO ONE is strong enough.  It just isn't possible.  The pain of grief is so overwhelming that the only way to survive is through the grace that God extends.  When I am overwhelmed, I must pull nearer to Him.  And many times that means in the quiet.  Maybe that's why I'm not sleeping.  I need the time with Him too much because I am so weak.  But thankfully, He is strong.

I know this is instrumental, but as I listen to it, my heart whispers the words...

Lyrics:

Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!
E'en though it be a cross that raiseth me,
Still all my song shall be,
Nearer, my God, to thee;
Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee! 

Though like the wanderer, the sun gone down,
Darkness be over me, my rest a stone;
Yet in my dreams I'd be
Nearer, my God, to thee;
Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee! 

There let the way appear, steps unto heaven;
All that thou sendest me, in mercy given;
Angels to beckon me
Nearer, my God, to thee;
Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee! 

Then, with my waking thoughts bright with thy praise, 

Out of my stony griefs Bethel I'll raise;

So by my woes to be

Nearer, my God, to thee;

Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!

Or if, on joyful wing cleaving the sky,

Sun, moon, and stars forgot, upward I fly,

Still all my song shall be,

Nearer, my God, to thee;

Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!

To the Core

I am not sleeping tonight. It's so hard. I know I have so much to be thankful for, and I am, but I miss him terribly. The ache is so heavy. 

I am glad that we do not grieve as those who have no hope, yet still...we GRIEVE. It bothers me to think of how deeply grief has changed our family. No longer carefree and innocent, I wonder if we will ever feel joy without the mingled sadness again. 

I'm so tired. Not from lack of sleep, though. No amount of sleep would overcome this tiredness. It is to the core of my soul. 

My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to Your Word. Keep me from deceitful ways; be gracious and teach me Your law. Psalm 119:28-29