Thursday, June 2, 2016

I Know You Will

I feel as though I've been drifting.  Simply going through motions.  Walking around in a daze.  With no purpose, no method, no intent.  Just wandering around aimlessly with weighted feet.

This week has been rough.  Very rough.  People are hard.  Some more than others.  I want to show grace and mercy.  I want to be a light.  I want to be love.  But anger is the quickest emotion I have right now and sometimes it's more than I can overcome.

My family is hurting.  They need me to be present.  Lord, help me.

This week I've resolved to get back to doing 2 important things that I used to do without thinking, eating meals with my family and singing to them at bedtime.  It's so hard.  Bedtime used to be my favorite time of the day, lying in the bedroom with my children, answering their questions, listening to their day, singing the songs they picked.  Now it's a time I dred.  But I don't want to.  They still crave it.  And I probably need it, too.  I feel like it shouldn't be so hard.

And the table... We have arranged things to where there is no longer an empty spot at the table.  I don't know if that's better or worse.  I loathe sitting at the table for a meal.  It used to be a place all abuzz with happiness and conversation.  Now it seems to just be noisy.  I have taken only a handful of meals with my family in these last months.  I've been grazing,  Junk.  And I've put on about 20 pounds.  :( Ugh.

This particular song has kind of become my mantra.  I feel as though it is my family's call to me.  Their faith in me.  They trust that I will come back to them.  Invest in them.  Lead them.  Be strong for them.  They know I will.  It's time.  LOVE SINGS LOUDER THAN THE DARKNESS.

"Lord, I don't want to just endure this trouble.  I long to have victory as a result of it.
In the midst of this time of testing, I pray You will be glorified.  In You alone victory is found.
Reveal in and through me a greater hope and peace that conquers all.
Help me stand firm and trust You, especially when I have no clue as to what You are doing.
When doubt and fear creep in on my faith, strengthen my walk and give me wisdom." ~ Jill Kelly, Prayers of Hope for the Brokenhearted

Lyrics:

Your heart is a history book
With pages to fill
If you haven't found your voice
I know you will

You don't need to let the rain clouds
Underneath your skin
Love sings louder than the darkness
Let the light shine in
I know you will

Failure is a photograph
You can put up on your wall
You don't have to think like that
When you fall

You don't need to let the rain clouds
Underneath your skin
Love sings louder than the darkness
Let the light shine in

Oh, the places you will see
The world is full of mystery
Like a city on a hill
You're gonna shine
I know you will

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