Held

I do not struggle with the question of if there is a God or not.  I do not struggle with anger at Him.  I don't really struggle with whether or not He is good, though I have wrestled through some "why" questions with Him.  But through it all, He holds me.  When I feel far from Him, I know it is because I am holding Him at arms length, scared to trust Him with my heart completely.  I also know that none of my feelings or wonderings change who He is or make Him love me any less.  He is there...drawing me, holding me, understanding me.

My struggle now is to find contentment in the living.  Just being joyful with where He's placed me and what He's called me to walk through.  I feel so robbed.  Like William's childhood was stolen right out from under me.  Would it have been different if my child had grown into adulthood?  I do not know.  Can a parent ever not grieve the death of their child?  I have to remind myself that I did not deserve to be William's mother.  It was a precious gift that I was given for a time.  The many other souls that have been entrusted to me are blessings that I do not deserve.  And He holds me.  And I survive.

Lyrics:
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that Providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held
How it feels
When the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

Chorus

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our Savior

Chorus (2X's)

Old Things

Isn't it funny how some things stick in your mind and pop up at the strangest moments?  Some things you wish you could remember and never do...other things just randomly present themselves and you didn't know you remembered them, but now suddenly they won't go away?

When I was much younger this movie came out that I watched.  It's probably been 20+ years since I watched it, but there is a scene that has been playing in my head over these last 5 months.  It's a movie about a man and his child who are grieving the loss of their wife/mother.  The scene that replays in my mind constantly is a sweet scene where the father is remembering his wife:

"What are you going to do?"
"Well, I'm going to get out of bed every morning, breathe in and out all day long.  Then after awhile, I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out.  And then after awhile, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for awhile."

Life is full of some of the most trivial things.  The things that upset us, the riffs that separate us, the love that escapes us, often because our pride refuses to let us see what is really important. I miss him. Every moment of every day, I miss him. Even when there are glimpses of light and joy, my heart still aches with missing him. And I know that no matter how good things get this side of heaven, my life here will never be perfect again.

Rescue Me

All my little ones are sick. Even Andrew. Ugh. I hate illness. I hate the night. I hate staying up all night, watching and listening helplessly, knowing that even when I am vigilant, I am powerless.

Thursdays are so hard.  I keep thinking...he should be here, riding his horse, laughing, asking to go down to the barn with me.  I must continue to get up and put one foot in front of the other.

Lyrics:
Deep is the river that I have to cross
Heavy the weight on my shoulder
I have discovered how great is the cost
Of trying alone to cross over
I try and I try but the current's too strong
It's pulling me under and my strength is gone
Don't leave me stranded

Rescue me, my God and my King
Water is rising and I cannot breathe
Wrap Your arms all around me and
Carry me over, carry me over
(Rescue me)

There is a bridge that is easy to cross
While all of our burdens are lifted
Peace is the land that is waiting for us
Lord, give me faith to believe it
Cause I'm in a storm but I'm willing to fight
I'll overcome and I will not die with You by my side

Rescue me, my God and my King
Water's are rising and I cannot breathe
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over, carry me over
(Rescue me)

I will sail over the oceans and
High over the mountains and
Soar up to the Heavens
Here is my hand is my heart
And my soul and my mind

Rescue me, my God and my King
The water's are rising and I cannot breathe
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over

Rescue me, my God and my King
You are the only one who can save me
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over
(Rescue me)

Carry me over
(Rescue me)
Carry me over
(Rescue me)

I Will Not Say Goodbye

In some ways the grief is a comfort.  It means he's still with me.  I can't let it go.

Lyrics:
Sometimes the road just ends
Changes everything you've been
And all that's left to be 
Is empty, broken, lonely, hoping
I'm supposed to be strong
I'm supposed to find a way to carry on

I don't want to feel better
I don't wanna not remember
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye

They keep saying time will heal
But the pain just gets more real
The sun comes up each day
Finds me waiting, fading, hating, praying
If I can keep on holding on
Maybe I can keep my heart from knowing that you're gone

Cause I don't wanna feel better
I don't wanna not remember
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye

I will curse
I will pray
I'll relive everyday
I will shoulder the blame
I will shout out your name
I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say
Will not say goodbye
Will not say goodbye
Will not say goodbye

One More Day With You

I miss him so much. I stare at his picture and just ache for him. It is gut-wrenching to know I will never feel those tiny, weak arms around my neck again. Selfishly, I want another day, another month, another year.  A full lifetime.

Lyrics:

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me it could be forever
I didn't ask for money or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished for one more day with you

One more day, one more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again, I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you, one more day

First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone and keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second, say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do with one more day with you

One more day, one more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you

Broken

Simple things are difficult. Laundry. Every time I pull one of his shirts out of the dryer, I have a hard time breathing. It isn't difficult for me to see the other boys wearing his clothes. It seems so normal. It's what we've always done. But pulling them from the dryer is a completely different story.  They're so...empty.

With the warm weather, the boys asked if they could get out a couple of shorts. Their favorites were the ones I got them last summer and they all match. William's are on Ru's quilt. I just want to scream, "Wait! Someone's missing!!!"

There are several things that have surprised me in the last 5 months.  How little sleep a person can survive on.  The tiny things that I can't face (like walking past the boys clothing section or buying kefir).  The amount of pain a person can live with and still keep moving.  The desperate need for the love of friends.  The gratefulness for that love.  And the extreme hurt from those friends who have just moved on with life without us.

Lyrics:

The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time

And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead

And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
(In the pain)
Is there healing?
In your name
(In your name)
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be okay

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
(In the pain)
There is healing
In your name
(In your name)
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

Upcoming

William's birthday is coming up.  April 8.  We've thrown around a few ideas as a family.  Some of you have asked about getting together for his birthday, but we've talked and we just don't have it in us.  We do have an idea, though, for those of you who are wanting to honor William on his birthday, do one of the following, take a picture, and email it to us.

1) Have ice cream for breakfast
2) Take a toy to your local hospital (for those in the Tulsa area, St. John's was "William's hospital")
3) Take a toy to your local Make a Wish office
4) Take your children on a fun excursion (horseback, swimming, go karts were some of William's favorites)

Don't forget the picture!  It will bring a smile to see you enjoying life and thinking of William!  Joshalyn@rightpathridingacademy.org

Save Me

I need Him.  I need His peace to wrap around me and overcome me.  I need His salvation, His life within me.  I feel that I am just existing...hiding away.  We've reached the point where people have expected that I would've now moved on, moved past the hurt, but it's not happening.  How does a mother forget her heart?

Lyrics:
Living
Am I really living
Or am I just existing
Hiding away

Danger
The world is full of danger
But if I never try to go outside
My heart will waste away

Come and save me
You're the only source of all the peace I need
Come and save me
Come and save me

You tell me life will not be pain free
What will be will always be in your control
Darkness is light to you
And all you ask me to do
Is trust what you say is true

You are stronger
Than any terrible possible scenario today
Come and save me
You're the only source of all the peace I need
Come and save me
Come and save me

Save me, save me... Oh
Save me, save me... Oh

You are stronger
Than any terrible possible scenario today
Come and save me
You're the only source of all the peace I need so desperately
Come and save me
Come and save me
Come and save me

Not Right Now

I know that eventually everything will be okay but right now, it just isn't.

Lyrics:

You could see the smoke from a mile away

And trouble always draws a crowd

They wanna tell me that it'll be okay

But that's not what I need right now

Not while my house is burning down

I know someday

I know somehow

I'll be okay

But not right now

Not right now

Tell me if the hope that you know is true

Ever feels like a lie even from a friend

When their words are salt in an open wound

And they just can't seem to understand

That you haven't even stopped the bleeding yet

I know someday

I know somehow

I'll be okay

But not right now

No, not right now

Don't tell me when I'm grieving

That this happened for a reason

Maybe one day we'll talk about the dreams that had to die

For new ones to come alive

But not right now

While I wait for the smoke to clear

You don't even have to speak

Just sit with me in the ashes here

And together we can pray for peace

To the one acquainted with our grief

I know someday

I know somehow

I'll be okay

But not right now

Not right now

No, not right now

All of Me

So, I think I'll go back to my Thursday song posts. At least for awhile. This is not the actual title to this song but I think it fits better. :) I know this song isn't originally about the death of a child, but it's still pretty fitting. Except for the beginning seems to kind of blame the one who is being missed, which obviously I don't blame William. I just miss him desperately. I just want to hold him again.

Lyrics:

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
You still have all of me

NYC

The trip to New York was definitely fast and furious!  We were able to sight-see on Wednesday, Thursday, and a little on Monday.  Certainly not enough time to see everything, but we got a good feel for the city, which is CRAZY busy!  We were a pretty hilarious bunch, since after Thursday we had a hard time moving.  I hurt so much from head to toe!  My body screamed at me every time I moved! :)

But NYC is historic and vibrant and a nice "visit" place.  I would never want to live there.  To each their own, right?  That said, there were a few things that surprised me.

The first was the Statue of Liberty.  Wow.  Beautiful, but much, much smaller than I expected.



















The second was the cabbies.  Seriously.  Walk.  You are giving your life into someone's hands when you ride in a cab.  :)













Finally, the people really surprised me.  One hears so much about the rudeness of New Yorkers, but we never encountered it.  Everyone was kind and helpful.  Not just the workers at places we visited, but people on the street.  And you'd think they never see children, the way everyone made over Andrew.  He was the star of the show everywhere we went!  Although, in our week there I only saw a handful of children and no babies, so maybe they don't see many.  In their defense, he was a super star and completely adorable!



















I loved the peace I felt in the clouds.  Wish I could spend all my time up there... Even looking over the city was nice!






































We took a Big Bus tour of the city.  It was the best way to see as much as possible in a short amount of time.  We ended up only taking the Downtown Loop since we got off at a few stops and ran out of time before we could take the Uptown Loop, which means we missed seeing Central Park, the Rockefeller Center, the Guggenheim, and the MET.  However, crammed a lot into a little time.  Ellis Island was pretty amazing.













We loved going to the observation deck on the Empire State Building.  Again, very peaceful.

The 9-11 Memorial was a touching, tasteful tribute to the fallen.  I really like how they put the memorial pools in the place of the towers.

The new Freedom Tower.  Much taller than the Empire State Building.  We considered going in (and to the top), but ran out of time.



















Times Square.  Our first hotel was actually just outside of Times Square so any time we stepped out the door, we were pretty much here.  There are a lot of places to eat that happen to either BE television shows or they got their big name by being on a show.  Unfortunately, that distinction was lost on us.  We were, however, enthralled with Hershey's World and M&Ms World.  Woo-hoo!

We stayed on Long Island for the workshop and spent Monday traveling around the island.  We went to Oyster Bay and saw Theodore Roosevelt's summer home, which was magnificent!  We also had a good time at the beach, but it was incredibly cold and the water was like ice!  They are gearing up for the Polar Plunge next week and I'm thinking they might be slightly crazy...

We had a great time, but it's really good to be home.  I missed my family.  It was strange to travel without them.  Although I might have had to visit a mental hospital if I had tried to traverse NYC with all my littles...not because of them, but because the city is definitely not conducive for it!

NYC

I'm taking a break from posting songs for a few days. Sarah and I are headed to a workshop in NY and will spend the rest of today and all tomorrow sight-seeing. I am determined to enjoy our trip. I'm thankful for this sweet time, as I know her time under my wing is coming to an end. What a blessing this precious daughter is. I'm so thankful for all of my children! I can't believe that I'm so fortunate to be their mother! God has been very good to me, even through my grief. I'm so grateful for the 8 1/2 years he gave me with William. That boy changed me profoundly. He was a God-send...

Today, I'm holding on to this promise: I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. John 16:20

I Dream of You

I hear bereaved parents talk of their pleasant dreams of their children.  It really frustrates me that I don't have them.  I wonder why?  All of my dreams of William are day dreams.  Except for the one I had shortly after he died, when I saw him in heaven.  I long to see him in my dreams, to feel him in my arms, to hear his voice calling my name.  But it eludes me.  I have to settle for day dreams and memories (and little sleep, even less rest).

Lyrics:
When you fall asleep What will you dream Castle's and Kings The story's been read You rest your head Warm in your bed My love my dream Of beautiful things Till the dawn of the day Bright and New Were ever you go I want you to know When i dream I dream of you Fly over the sea Flot on the breeze Careless and Free When your journey ends Wake up and then Dream it again My love my dream Of beautiful things Till the dawn of the day Bright and New Were ever you go I want you to know When I dream I dream of gentle wind Blowing in Time seems to slow The wa we go Moonlight fills up your room Darling you are my dream come true My love my dream Of beautiful things Till the dawn of the day Bright and New Were ever you go I want you to know When I dream I dream of you... (you) I dream of you...(you)

I Will Trust You

I'm leaving for New York in the morning.  Well, in a few hours, really.  I'm having difficulty breathing and I feel nearly crushed by the weight on my heart.  The thought of something happening to one of my children while I'm gone nearly cripples me, even though I know I have no power to protect them, really.  Even though Michael will be home with them, I feel fear threatening to overtake me.  I am forcing my heart to trust Him and sometimes I need more prayer than other times...

Lyrics:

I don’t even want to breathe right now
All I want to do is close my eyes
And I don’t want to open them again
Till I’m standing on the other side

I don’t even want to be right now
I don’t want to think another thought
And I don’t want to feel this pain I feel
But right now pain is all I’ve got
It feels like it’s all I’ve got
But I know it’s not
No I know You’re all I’ve got

And I will trust you, I’ll trust you
Trust you God I will
Even when I don’t understand
Even then I will take in
You are my God
And I will trust You

God I’m longing for the day You come
When this cloudy glass I’m looking through
Is shattered in a million pieces
And finally I can just see You
God, You know I believe it’s true
I know I will see you
But until the day I do

I will trust you, trust You
Trust you God I will
Even when I don’t understand
Even then I will take in
You are my God
And I’ll trust You

And with every breath I take
And for every day that breaks
I will trust you, I will trust you

And when nothing is making sense
Even then I will say again
God I trust You, I will trust You
I know Your heart is good
I know Your love is strong
And I know Your plans for me
Are much better than my own
So I will trust You, trust You
I trust You God, I will
Even when I can’t see the end

And I will trust You
I will trust You, I will
Even when I don’t understand
Even then I will say again
I will trust You
I will trust You, I will
I know Your heart is good
Your love is strong
Your plans for me are better than my own
Yeah Your heart is good
Your love is strong
Your plans for me are better than my own
And I trust You
You are my God
And I will trust You

I Will Carry You

This was kind of a theme through William's life.  My nephew (age 6) died just 4 days after William was born.  When William slowly started to present like symptoms, we vowed to always be grateful for all the things he could do and give thanks each day that we were allowed the opportunity to "carry him," physically, emotionally, mentally.  I knew that he might not live as long as the other children, but I truly believed he would out live me.  We made plans for the older children to care for him after we were gone.  They joyfully looked forward to carrying him through life.  Oh, that I could carry him again...

Lyrics (from full song):
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness, but I know
That the silence has brought me to His voice
And He says

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
And I will carry you
All your life
I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Hug Him Once for Me

I'm sure this song must contain bad theology, but I have to hold on to the idea that the Lord is holding him.  He was so young and little and was used to be held, coddled, and comforted.  I could go crazy wondering how he spends the time now...

Lyrics:
I asked you Lord, you answered
A little one you gave
The hardest part I never knew
Was that little one you'd take
But Lord I trust you now
I know that you are good
And Jesus, I was wondering if you would...

Hug him once for me
Hold him up real close
Let him sit upon your knee
And tell him all the things we'd teach him about you
Whisper in his ear one more simple truth
Tell him that you love him
And that we love him too

Waiting here right now Lord
It seems so hard to do
Longing just to hold him
Like other mothers do
I know that you are faithful
Your hand of grace I've known
But I ask you in the meantime, until you call me home

Hug him once for me
Hold him up real close
Let him sit upon your knee
And tell him all the things we'd teach him about you
Whisper in his ear one more simple truth
Tell him that you love him
And that we love him too

And when the trumpet sounds Lord,
Your face I long to see
And now I've one more reason to wait expectantly
And when I get to heaven
And see all you have done
I know that I will understand
And to him I will run

I'll hug him once for me
I'll hold him up real close
He'll sit upon my knee
And tell me all the things you've taught him about you
He'll whisper in his ear one more simple truth
He'll tell me that he loves you
And that he loves me too

He'll tell me that he loves you
And Lord, I love you too