Never before in my Christian walk have I felt so keenly the pull of two personalities, the war between my flesh and my spirit. The war rages intensely now, with the spirit just narrowly winning out over the flesh. The flesh still wants to wallow, to scream and demand to know why, to be angry and bitter and resentful. Yet, He has set eternity in my heart. I am reminded that this world is not enough. William was not created to live only 8 1/2 brief years on this earth. He was created for eternity. Imagine if the best this world has to offer was the best that it got. When I remember this, I suddenly know with certainty that no matter what happens, I will be all right because this is not all there is.
Today I was holding Andrew and lamenting over my sorrow that William never got to hold him. I began to cry out about how unfair it seemed when suddenly it struck me, a thought or vision or dream...it doesn't matter what it is called, it brought me a sense of deep peace. The picture I saw in my mind was of William, strong and healthy, beautiful and oh-so-happy, holding our baby, the one that God chose to take home before we ever got to hold him, in 2009. William talked about him often and wondered what he would be like and if he would know us when we saw him in heaven. Only in my mind, he wasn't really a baby. He and William knew each other well and were laughing together. I never got to hold that baby. I never saw his face or took a picture, except on ultrasound. We could not even bring ourselves to fully name him, but simply call him by an affectionate nickname, "Coo." And now, he and William are together and the rest of us remain...missing them.