Tell Your Heart to Beat Again

 This week seems to have been really hard for some reason.  I think that's one of the hardest things about grief...it's so unpredictable.  Some days I feel like I'm doing really well at holding onto Jesus and letting Him pull me out of the mire.  Other days (or weeks), I feel like I'm suffocating.  I can't see the light through the darkness, but I'm still trying to find it.  I feel like I'm not even living but it's some other person making my body go through motions.  People speak to me and I can hear their voice, but I can't seem to comprehend what they are saying.  It's frustrating.

I am trying to let God's grace wash over me.  I need Him now more than ever...

Lyrics:
You're shattered like you've never been before The life you knew In a thousand pieces on the floor Words fall short in times like these When this world drives you to your knees You think you're never gonna get back To the you that used to be
Tell your heart to beat again Close your eyes and breathe it in Let the shadows fall away Step into the light of grace Yesterday is a closing door You don't live there anymore Say goodbye to where you've been And tell your heart to beat again Beginning
Just let that word wash over you It's alright now Loves healing hands have pulled you through So get back up Take step one Leave the darkness Feel the sun Cause your story's far from over And your journey's just begun Tell your heart to beat again Close your eyes and breathe it in Let the shadows fall away Step into the light of grace Yesterday is a closing door You don't live there anymore Say goodbye to where you've been And tell your heart to beat again Let every heartbreak And every scar Be a picture that reminds you Who has carried you this far Cause love sees farther Than you ever could In this moment heaven's working Everything for your good Tell your heart to beat again Close your eyes and breathe it in Let the shadows fall away Step into the light of grace Yesterday is a closing door You don't live there anymore Say goodbye to where you've been And tell your heart to beat again Your heart to beat again Beat again Ohh so tell your heart to beat again

Overwhelmed

This meme is actually supposed to be for an introvert but I feel that it describes me now.  I feel done today.  I don't know why.  It just seems too hard to take another step.  Too much.  I think I'll go sit at my swing for awhile...

Peace

The monument was a good idea. No matter how sad or angry or frustrated I feel at missing William, one look at the monument makes me think of his smiling face, finishing his race, running into the arms of Jesus.

My swing is in the perfect place. Whether I am alone in the early morning or sitting, watching the children busy at work watering flowers or hunting ants, it is a spot of peace.

My heart still hurts.  I am finding places of peace, but I still feel defeated.  I am so thankful for the Hope of seeing him again, but the missing him seems more than I can bear.

Nearer My God to Thee

So, I didn't forget about the Tunes on Thursdays yesterday... It just got really crazy. :)  I thought about pulling in a song when I was up through the night but I really thought I would have time later in the day.  No dice.  So here I am on this extremely rainy morning, listening to one of my favorites and thinking about William.  Everything has become so hard.

Sometimes I really wonder if we'll make it through.  Grieving is such a hard process.  It runs deep and there isn't really a break from it.  I think it's hard for some Christians to understand because even though we do not grieve as those who have no hope, we do still grieve.  It may be different, but it's still very real and very powerful.  I know I will see William again, but I have still lost his childhood.  I have a lifetime ahead of me, however long that may be, without his sweet smile, his loving arms around my neck, his ornery playfulness.

More than one person has expressed confidence in my ability to grieve well.  Comments like, "Your faith is strong enough to get you through," or, "If anyone's faith can survive this, yours can..."  But the truth is, NO ONE is strong enough.  It just isn't possible.  The pain of grief is so overwhelming that the only way to survive is through the grace that God extends.  When I am overwhelmed, I must pull nearer to Him.  And many times that means in the quiet.  Maybe that's why I'm not sleeping.  I need the time with Him too much because I am so weak.  But thankfully, He is strong.

I know this is instrumental, but as I listen to it, my heart whispers the words...

Lyrics:

Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!
E'en though it be a cross that raiseth me,
Still all my song shall be,
Nearer, my God, to thee;
Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee! 

Though like the wanderer, the sun gone down,
Darkness be over me, my rest a stone;
Yet in my dreams I'd be
Nearer, my God, to thee;
Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee! 

There let the way appear, steps unto heaven;
All that thou sendest me, in mercy given;
Angels to beckon me
Nearer, my God, to thee;
Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee! 

Then, with my waking thoughts bright with thy praise, 

Out of my stony griefs Bethel I'll raise;

So by my woes to be

Nearer, my God, to thee;

Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!

Or if, on joyful wing cleaving the sky,

Sun, moon, and stars forgot, upward I fly,

Still all my song shall be,

Nearer, my God, to thee;

Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!

To the Core

I am not sleeping tonight. It's so hard. I know I have so much to be thankful for, and I am, but I miss him terribly. The ache is so heavy. 

I am glad that we do not grieve as those who have no hope, yet still...we GRIEVE. It bothers me to think of how deeply grief has changed our family. No longer carefree and innocent, I wonder if we will ever feel joy without the mingled sadness again. 

I'm so tired. Not from lack of sleep, though. No amount of sleep would overcome this tiredness. It is to the core of my soul. 

My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to Your Word. Keep me from deceitful ways; be gracious and teach me Your law. Psalm 119:28-29