I don't know who all reads my blog and I always want to be careful of what I say, especially with negative thinking. But this blog is also a place where I have strived to be incredibly open and put it all out there. There are too many times in life when it’s so easy to give the impression that everything is perfect but I just try to be real in the hope that it will help other bereaved parents in their own grief.
Some of you know our story. Some don't. I will sum it up to say that for most of our children's lives we attended a truly Biblical church fellowship that practiced all aspects of Biblical Christianity. We were completely involved in each other's lives...family. Not only did it fall apart over something that should have been easily resolved, but most of it happened in the two weeks following William's funeral.
Some of you know our story. Some don't. I will sum it up to say that for most of our children's lives we attended a truly Biblical church fellowship that practiced all aspects of Biblical Christianity. We were completely involved in each other's lives...family. Not only did it fall apart over something that should have been easily resolved, but most of it happened in the two weeks following William's funeral.
Over the last 4 and 1/2 years we have tried to mend relationships where we could but it's been incredibly hard. There has been much bitterness to get through in this house. I still have to hand it to the Lord almost every single day.
It's been incredibly difficult for us to find a church since. I know we've made a lot of mistakes. We've hurt friends who have invited us to join them. We are hesitant and withdrawn and the walls are high. We are afraid to be involved again. We've let that fear hinder us.
Who knows? Maybe we needed this time. Obviously God's providence has led us to this place and I hope we've learned from it. I know it's time to move forward. To forgive and let go. I'm trying but it seems to be an issue I have to conquer more frequently than I should.
This particular memory brought all of that back. All the memories, good and bad, flooding into my mind this week. I appreciate and love and remember with fondness all of those good times, those times filled with brotherly love and devotion, and yet, I can't help but feel hurt over all of the "secondary losses," as the bereaved call them. There are many.
I miss the camaraderie. I miss the "iron sharpening iron." I miss the like-mindedness. I miss the comfort. I miss the true love. And the knowledge of it. And so much more.
Michael has had each of us journaling 3 things that we are thankful for each day. It’s been helpful. I know I NEED to focus on God’s goodness. I need to make note of His care and concern. It is far too easy to get bogged down in the negative, to be unfair to those who try to love me, to be untrusting and suspicious of motive, to wait for things to fall apart. I am ashamed to say that for awhile I even held the Lord at arm’s length.
I’ve been surprised by grief in so many ways. But mostly by how much it’s shown me how far short I fall of righteousness. It’s made my shortcomings and imperfections glaringly and painfully obvious and revealed all the many things I need to work on and surrender to Him. It’s revealed the worst of my innermost thoughts and feelings. And yet, even while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. That is so humbling and powerful.
I miss the camaraderie. I miss the "iron sharpening iron." I miss the like-mindedness. I miss the comfort. I miss the true love. And the knowledge of it. And so much more.
Michael has had each of us journaling 3 things that we are thankful for each day. It’s been helpful. I know I NEED to focus on God’s goodness. I need to make note of His care and concern. It is far too easy to get bogged down in the negative, to be unfair to those who try to love me, to be untrusting and suspicious of motive, to wait for things to fall apart. I am ashamed to say that for awhile I even held the Lord at arm’s length.
I’ve been surprised by grief in so many ways. But mostly by how much it’s shown me how far short I fall of righteousness. It’s made my shortcomings and imperfections glaringly and painfully obvious and revealed all the many things I need to work on and surrender to Him. It’s revealed the worst of my innermost thoughts and feelings. And yet, even while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. That is so humbling and powerful.
It all leads me to this thought...hurting people are hard to love. It takes bravery and patience. It takes Christ. May it all be used for His glory.
