Facebook Memories

I think almost everyone would agree that one of the best features about Facebook is the Memories section.  This memory popped up this week and it caused both sweet memories and deep pain.

I don't know who all reads my blog and I always want to be careful of what I say, especially with negative thinking.  But this blog is also a place where I have strived to be incredibly open and put it all out there. There are too many times in life when it’s so easy to give the impression that everything is perfect but I just try to be real in the hope that it will help other bereaved parents in their own grief.

Some of you know our story.  Some don't.  I will sum it up to say that for most of our children's lives we attended a truly Biblical church fellowship that practiced all aspects of Biblical Christianity.  We were completely involved in each other's lives...family.  Not only did it fall apart over something that should have been easily resolved, but most of it happened in the two weeks following William's funeral.

Over the last 4 and 1/2 years we have tried to mend relationships where we could but it's been incredibly hard. There has been much bitterness to get through in this house.  I still have to hand it to the Lord almost every single day.

It's been incredibly difficult for us to find a church since.  I know we've made a lot of mistakes.  We've hurt friends who have invited us to join them.  We are hesitant and withdrawn and the walls are high.  We are afraid to be involved again.  We've let that fear hinder us.

Who knows?  Maybe we needed this time.  Obviously God's providence has led us to this place and I hope we've learned from it.  I know it's time to move forward.  To forgive and let go.  I'm trying but it seems to be an issue I have to conquer more frequently than I should.  

This particular memory brought all of that back.  All the memories, good and bad, flooding into my mind this week.  I appreciate and love and remember with fondness all of those good times, those times filled with brotherly love and devotion, and yet, I can't help but feel hurt over all of the "secondary losses," as the bereaved call them.  There are many.

I miss the camaraderie.  I miss the "iron sharpening iron."  I miss the like-mindedness.  I miss the comfort.  I miss the true love.  And the knowledge of it.  And so much more.

Michael has had each of us journaling 3 things that we are thankful for each day. It’s been helpful. I know I NEED to focus on God’s goodness. I need to make note of His care and concern. It is far too easy to get bogged down in the negative, to be unfair to those who try to love me, to be untrusting and suspicious of motive, to wait for things to fall apart. I am ashamed to say that for awhile I even held the Lord at arm’s length.

I’ve been surprised by grief in so many ways. But mostly by how much it’s shown me how far short I fall of righteousness. It’s made my shortcomings and imperfections glaringly and painfully obvious and revealed all the many things I need to work on and surrender to Him. It’s revealed the worst of my innermost thoughts and feelings. And yet, even while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. That is so humbling and powerful. 

It all leads me to this thought...hurting people are hard to love.  It takes bravery and patience.  It takes Christ.  May it all be used for His glory.

Changes

It’s time for the trail ride again. This year is so different. I don’t know if it’s because we rescheduled it or what it is, but it’s just not the same this year. I don’t feel excited or happy to see anyone, I just want to get it over with. I feel tired and overwhelmed.
We are also looking at donating his monument. I just can’t look at it anymore. Several of us feel that way. I’m not sure what we’ll do with it but I’m ready for it to come down.
I am ready for change. Something different. Something other than the dance between life and grief...

Empathy

I recently had a conversation with a sweet friend that I have not been able to shake. Her child has been through so much touch-and-go with cancer and there were many times they wondered if he’d make it through. Now he has beat cancer and is thriving and doing well. As we were talking, she asked about William and I told her of his passing. Her heart was broken for me and she said something that struck me to the core. She said, “I always feel so guilty when I hear of a child passing because I still get to hold mine.”

I get it. She gets it. As a nurse she sees the many losses. Far too many losses. Sometimes it seems the victories don’t come as much as they should.

But they DO come. And that’s important to remember, too. And to praise the Lord for! Always praising the Lord for each new day with those we love and hold dear. Always remembering it’s a gift and not a promise, a guarantee, or a right.

I remember back when I was getting pregnant every year, it was always hard for me to tell my sisters that I was expecting again. Not because I wasn’t thrilled, but because I didn’t want to cause them additional pain as, for one reason or another, none of them were able to have children at the time. I get how empathizing with others can cause us to feel guilty.

And I appreciate her heart. So, SO much!

I would be lying if I said I never had frustration or anger or doubts or wondered why. There are definitely many times the enemy tries to creep in. And sometimes he succeeds better than others. I constantly have to renew my mind, take my thoughts captive, and remind myself of what I know.

What I know is, God is good. God is kind. God is merciful. God is just.

What I know is, He has a plan for every single person and every tiny moment.

What I know is, His plan cannot be thwarted. I can’t mess it up. I can’t change it. While this doesn’t change my accountability for my own actions, I can rest that His sovereign will will always be done.

What I know is, William’s work on earth was completed. He fulfilled all God gave him to do.

And what I know is, my work is not yet done. No matter how tired or discouraged I get sometimes, I must press on. He’s not finished with me yet.

And mostly what I know is, despite all the pain of losing him, I would do it again a thousand times over, just for the blessing of being his mother. Oh, how I miss my dear boy!

The Work

Yesterday was an interesting day. I was up quite a bit the night before, watching over Sherrod, who got overheated during the day. I had a very difficult time squashing my frustration over the whole CoVid stuff. I would have taken her to the hospital without a second thought before but now they will not allow adults to have a person with them. That is such a problem. SUCH A PROBLEM. Especially for a diabetic. I am keeping up communication with her Endocrynologist and he is walking us through. She is well but laying low for a few days. And she will need to be careful in future.

But it reminded me what a powerful control tool fear is.

Of course we must also use wisdom. Which I was also reminded of yesterday. I ended up near OKC. When stopping at a gas station, I noticed a family sitting in the grass: Dad, Mom, and 3 little kids. They did not look in distress but they did look stranded. I had Wallace with me but I do not typically approach strangers like that unless Michael is with me. But I just couldn’t walk away from it. So I went over to talk to them and found out their story and OH WOW, were they ever stranded! And they had been completely ripped off. Of course I wanted to help them! I got the idea to put them in my vehicle and take them home until we could get them where they needed to be. But instead of voicing that, I told them I needed to make a phone call and I’d be right back. I called Michael. He was not thrilled that I 1) had left town without telling him, which I always do for safety reasons but had forgotten, and 2) had already approached strangers without him, putting myself at a possible risk. But I really felt the Holy Spirit leading me on this and Michael understands that. Together we discussed a safe way to truly help this family without any real risk.

Meanwhile, I locked my keys in the vehicle. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Ugh. As I looked around for help, there was a man who just had a capable look about him so I approached him. 😂😂😂 My daughters asked later what “capable” looks like. LOL! I don’t know but out of all the people at this very busy gas station, he was the one I was drawn to. He quickly and willingly tried to assist me and with the help of the original man I was trying to help, my door was opened. Turns out the man I asked for help had been sitting there a bit because his battery died and he had asked 5-6 people for help but no one was willing to jump the battery. As I pulled over to his truck and we waited for the battery to do its thing, we talked about God’s goodness and perfect timing and fulfilling our every need, even before we know to ask.

I went back to the original family before I left, to thank them, make sure they had what they needed, and say goodbye. The 3yo girl was so sweet! She started jabbering away and asked me if I would pray for her. Of course I was happy to! We all prayed together right there on the grass in front of OnCue. I commented on how sweet all of the children were and how great their attitudes were, especially in such hot weather and with nothing to entertain them. The father told me of how he tries to teach his family to be content and thankful in all circumstances and to trust in God’s providence. I was so humbled. Here I was, trying to reach out and help someone, and the Lord used him to teach me.

I wonder if I would have been so cheerful in such a situation. Probably not. I am used to things being easy and smooth and I can get ruffled when I’m inconvenienced or troubled by circumstances out of my control sometimes. Especially in heat.

Now I know some may say I might have gotten played. Maybe I did. Honestly, I don’t care. I would rather follow the prompting of the Spirit and reach out in love to someone on the chance they’ll take it and do the same than stew over if they did what I think they should’ve done with it. I’m perfectly happy to let God deal with that. And I’m thankful for the way I saw His hand work yesterday and the sweet lessons He taught through the example of others.

Friday

For those of you who check early, I apologize. We had a bit of medical scare last night. All is well but I did not get to the blog, as I checked on a child through the night. I do have a good story but the day has gotten away from me. I will post tomorrow. ❤️