Sorrow and Joy

“Your sorrow itself shall be turned into joy. Not the sorrow to be taken away, and joy to be put in its place, but the very sorrow which now grieves you shall be turned into joy. God not only takes away the bitterness and gives sweetness in its place, but turns the bitterness into sweetness itself.”  ~ C.H. Spurgeon

Praying for Dianna

My heart is broken.  Broken for the sadness on this earth, even in the midst of our eternal hope...

https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/diannafleshman

Definitions

I have learned that, although it is easy to use certain terms to quickly sum up a line of thought or way of life, in the climate of our current society it is always best to define those terms before jumping to the conclusions that inevitably come with them.  There are many terms that have been used to describe our family:

Patriarchal

Courtship (not really, but I see where it comes from)

Christian

Calvinist

Reformed

Homeschooler

Quiver Full

Conservative

Anti-Vaxxer (I would argue that this one is wholly inaccurate, but that's another story...)

Indeed, these are terms that I might use, myself, provided the definition is right.  I'm sure there are probably others...I just can't think of any right now.

We use these terms to determine like thinking.  That's a nice thing.  But it is also deceptive.  For example, while our family certainly adheres to the Biblical practice of patriarchy, there is much happening in the name of "patriarchy" that we certainly don't agree with or practice.

And if you talk to 10 families about their definition of "courtship," I can almost guarantee that you will get 10 different ideas about what it is and how it proceeds.  (Side note: we actually don't really adhere to courtship ideals, as "courtship" is defined as the intentional wooing of the heart, which really should never happen in the beginning of a relationship, but only after certain important items are established.)

Anyway, there are common threads that bind us together, but a term doesn't accurately define a set of beliefs.  To do that, we actually have to have enough interest to sit down and listen to one another.

On another note, entirely...whew!  It's been a rough week.  I'm grateful for the gift of dear friends.  And I'm grateful for small reminders that God's grace is always sufficient...

A Mother's Thoughts

I'm still on a roller coaster.

There are times I handle things really well and I pat myself on the back and feel pretty good about where I'm at.

Then there are times I completely overreact, get angry, and either clam up or lash out.

But for the most part, it's good.  I'm getting better at being able to ignore insensitive (or ignorant) remarks.  There are some that still give me issue.

I will say this...we haven't gone off the deep end.  Well, not completely anyway. 😂

We are absolutely doing things differently than we planned when the girls were little.  I will give that.  But it's not because we've allowed grief to pull us from the Lord.  On the contrary, we are well aware that that can be an issue and have seen it too many times where convictions disappear.  That hasn't happened and we are diligently fighting against that.  But the fact remains that things ARE different than we anticipated them being.

We are seeking out how to raise godly young women who are both capable AND submissive.  Young women who are able to be Lydias in the world while holding fast to the truths of Scripture for the role of men and women in the family.  We are still figuring out our role as protectors, when to back off and when to hold on, how much is too much... It's so much harder than I thought it would be.

We desperately desire to walk with the Lord in every aspect of life and not make pragmatic decisions based off our own thought and desired outcomes.  Neither do we desire to be swayed by doctrines of man, rather than doctrines of Scripture.

I hope they choose to live with us until they marry and have families of their own.  But I cannot "make" them, nor would I try.  As adults, I offer them my advice, my protection, my guidance, not my control.  They are completely in charge of their own lives and, at this point, choose their own way.  I'm content with who they are, not because of my imperfect parenting, but because of the work God has done in them.  I am confident to send them into the world, into any situation, knowing that they will stand strong, that their convictions are firm (even those that differ from mine😘), and that they love the Lord above all else.  What more could I ask for?

And just a public note to my 4 adult girls: man, do I love you!  I could not possibly be more proud of each of you.  You are the absolute best and I am blessed beyond measure to get to be your mother!  I could not ask for more.  You are going to run with the torch and reach higher and farther than I ever could have dreamed to do.  The Lord is with you...

On a fun note...aren't these sweet gifts?

I love them both!  The Precious Moments figurine reminds me of this sweet memory...

😍😍😍

Things are good.  I feel happy with where things are so, as a person who hates change, it makes me wonder what's around the corner.  But I'm putting self to death today and I've decided to just enjoy this time, right now.  Tomorrow has enough worries of it's own...😌

2018 Trainer's Challenge

Well, it's that time of year again.  Blaze's Tribute Equine Rescue held their 7th Trainer's Challenge in Shawnee on May 5.  The girls have put so much effort in this year.  I'm always a bit hesitant about what to say in such a public sphere, for several reasons.  First, I know all parents brag about their children, but I really could not be more proud of them.  And not for winning.  But because they are truly incredible young women.  Second, they are both pretty private and I want to be respectful of that (while at the same time being able to share part of what makes them so wonderful).  That's a hard line.  So I'll just get on with it and we'll see how it ends up...

Where to start? That's a tough question this year.  Do I start with the oldest or with placing?  Hmmm...  I think this time, I'll change it up a bit and start with placing.  Not because that's most important but because it's not what I typically do.

This year was hard (mostly for me) because they did not have a youth division, which meant they were competing against each other.  Sherrod had such a rough year last year.  It was a real learning experience for her, though.  Unfortunately, she came off so many times that she was really lacking in confidence going into this year.  And after coming in last in 2017, I was really hoping for a better experience for her this year.  I have told my children more than once that I think it's really good for character to lose big and to win big.  She's definitely done both and handled it all with grace!

This year she had Harvey Two-Face.  She absolutely fell in love with him!  He really helped her overcome much of her confidence issues and made her into an even better horsewoman!  I think we all love this horse!  The most important thing to her going into the competition was to be able to adopt him at the auction and bring him home with her, which she did!  Yay!  His new name is Traveller. 😍

They did great on competition day.  I knew they would, if Sherrod didn't let her nerves get her.  Last year she had an incident with her horse just before they called her into the arena and we were standing at the gate with her crying right before entry!  Talk about nerve-wracking!  I knew she had to go in so I did the only thing I could think of...I wrapped her in a hug and started praying for her!  But this year was much different.  She didn't need me at all.  Boy, that's a weird feeling as a mother!  Happy and sad, all at the same time.  It's absolutely what we raise them for, yet so hard to let go...

Their routine was beautiful.  He got away from her in the trailer and I was on pins and needles, wondering how she would respond.  They have such a great relationship, I felt fairly certain he would be chill, but with nerves flying high I wasn't absolutely sure of how either of them would do.  She was beautifully calm and walked over to him, shrugged her shoulders, laughed, caught him, and finished her routine.  Even afterward, she blew it off completely and wasn't upset about it in the least. She was just all, "It is what it is..."

And they placed first!  Because they didn't have a youth division they gave a $500 award to the youth winner, so she ended up with BOTH prize checks!  And, of course, brought Traveller home!  Thank you so much to everyone who helped with the FB fundraiser and who offered to help her at the auction table.  Every time she was outbid, someone came up to one of us to see if they needed to add to the pot!  So very sweet and we are incredibly grateful!

I'm so very happy for her!  Bless her heart, she made the comment later that she's come in last place in every competition she's ever been in, until now.  It made me think of the saying, "Go big or go home!"  Hahaha!  I'm so proud of her, although not for winning.  I'm happy for her that she received such an honor, but I'm proud of her for her diligence, hard work, and refusal to give up or be defeated.  She is definitely one to persevere!  And what was the most exciting thing to her about all that prize money?  She had enough tithe to continue sponsoring a child through Gospel for Asia.  Gotta love it!

Speaking of persevering...it's time to talk about Abby.  This girl is a beast! 😂 She is unshakeable!

It's been a bit of a wild year for Abby, but I'm so proud of how she has handled herself with such grace.  Abby started off the year with Dreamer, determined to give her a chance at a loving home.
She got a bit discouraged because of Dreamer's lack of progress and began seeking help.  A dear friend who is incredibly knowledgeable looked Dreamer over and felt she should be tested for EPM (Equine protozoal myeloencephalitis), which is a rare disease that affects the central nervous system. If left untreated, the effects are devastating.  Abby took Dreamer back to Blaze's for testing and Dreamer tested in the 89th percentile.  Abby was discouraged, but still determined to help Dreamer.  She brought her back home and began treating her.  The good news is that 60-70% of EPM cases aggressively treated show significant or complete reversal of symptoms.  Many horses are able to return to normal activity.  She has already seen some great changes in Dreamer.  She is hoping to showcase her next year and help her find her forever family.

So that brought Finn who was left for picking.  Of course that gave them a late start.  Then came the injuries. 😞  Hers AND his... Although at least none of them were caused by each other. 😂 When the children first started working with horses, a dear friend/mentor said, "It's not a matter of if they'll get hurt...it's a matter of when and how bad."  Ugh.  We emphasize safety, safety, safety and Abby is probably better at it than anyone I know.  But you're still dealing with a 1200lb fight-or-flight animal and, especially when your job is training, well, injuries are bound to happen.  So another horse put her out-of-pocket for quite a bit.  I made her go to the ER, though she protested greatly.  😝 And about the time she was ready to get down to business again, Finn was injured trying to jump a fence!

But all that aside, she was still able to find Finn's niche and give him work he loves!  And they did a great job!  He's a great little horse with a wonderful mind!  I'm so glad he got adopted to a home that's going to use him!

Abby is fun to watch!  Smooth, graceful, and soft...

Finn and Abby placed third!  One of the judges wrote a comment that Abby could win on a donkey, so the big joke is that next year everyone wants to see Abby on a donkey.  Hahaha!  People have been sending her donkey pictures, right and left! 😂

I love this picture of the two of them waiting together for the placings... Waiting is so nerve-wracking!

I am so very proud of Abby.  She's really an incredible young woman!  This is where it gets a little tricky for me because I would love to gush about how wonderful she is and all of the wonderful things she's done for others throughout this particular Challenge, but she is also such a private person and I try really hard to respect that.  I will say that it is so freeing as a mother to watch your children take what you've taught them and make it their own, add zeal to it, and make it even better.  I love watching the 4 adult girls minister to others!  When they were little, it was me with the ideas and I included them in the joy of the work.  Now they are taking on those things themselves and the ideas are all their own and they still enjoy the work and the pleasure of ministering to others!  Praise the Lord!

I think this might be my favorite picture from the whole day, though.  It really epitomizes the Challenge and the trainers.  I love how they cheer each other on and even help each other.  I really love how the trainers who have been in it for a long time are so welcoming and supportive.

Don't forget to check out Blaze's Tribute Equine Rescue if you're looking for a good horse.  They can also give you a list of trainers if you need some help.  http://www.blazesequinerescue.com

Speaking of adult children growing up and adding zeal to ideas, I helped move Sarah to her new part-time place yesterday.  I can't even tell you how hard that was for me.  I could not have done it if I wasn't absolutely sure it was the right thing to do.  She is interning for a campaign and will be living near headquarters 4 days out of the week.  Can you even believe it?

At least she's only an hour away.  Abby's summer internship is a whole state away!  Ugh!  While there's a huge part of me that would love to keep them little forever, there's also a great joy in watching them take flight.  They are strong arrows and I couldn't be more proud of them all!

"As arrows in the hands of a mighty warrior, so are the children of one's youth.  Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate." Psalm 127:4-5

Does It Ever End?

Newly bereaved parents all seem to ask the same question...some version of, "Will this pain ever go away."  The short answer is no.  And yes.

This video has a decent explanation...

https://twitter.com/BBCiPlayer/status/987990393437540352

So for the short answer, no, I don't believe the pain ever entirely goes away.  But the "yes" side of that is that it does change over time.

There are things that bring it right back up to the forefront, like it happened yesterday.  Like driving past the Creek Co ambulance on the highway.  That ambulance is always at the edge of my memory and it doesn’t take much to bring it to the forefront.

Nor does the news.

I have really struggled throughout the whole issue with the British hospital denying Alfie Evans medical care. I can only imagine the fear, anger, frustration, and extreme emotions his parents faced. I cannot even fathom not being able to give my child every possible opportunity to live. Every time I saw a photo, all I could see was the blue tint in his face, the tell-tale sign of needing oxygen. I have to really fight those feelings of anger at the injustice of it all.

I am definitely weak. But it is also heavy.