Or so I thought.
I've been preparing for it for the last couple of weeks. Bracing myself. I felt ready...ready to celebrate it for the first time since he left, instead of just remembering it. But I didn't, really.
On Saturday we held a benefit trail ride in his memory. It went well, considering the crazy weather! My favorite part was giving away a birthday gift to a person who shared his birthday, or the closest to. That was fun.
We had ice cream and cooked out burgers. We fellowshipped and gave things away. We rode horses. 😍
I didn't sleep the night before so, of course, I crashed Saturday night.
I awoke Sunday morning, groggy and sluggish. We had ice cream for breakfast. We got to church early. I was so spent that we chose not to stay for the fellowship meal. I distanced myself from any real conversation.
And it's been that way all week.
Groggy. Sluggish. Difficult to pull myself out of bed. Distant.
I don't know why I do that. I just can't seem to plug in.
But I will.
Each time these waves crash down on me and knock me over, I get back up again. And this time won't be as long as the last time.
People say, "Don't let grief define you." But it does. It should. It is the chisel which God uses to sculpt me into what He is making me to be. Absolutely it should change me. It will define me.
What we have to be careful of is not taking the chisel into our own hands and letting grief change us into what He does not mean for us to be.
But when we allow Him to do His work, somehow it all works. Not that we are perfect and smooth, but we can become strong and graceful.
I find myself stronger in faith than even before William's death. It seems odd that all the questions, all the doubts, all the anger, would actually bring me closer to my Lord. But He works in mysterious ways, calling me out into the great unknown, yet making me more certain.
So...
I will call upon His name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in His embrace
For I am His and He is mine.*
Happy birthday, my son. Thank you, Lord, for the wonderful gift you gave us and the way his life has changed us.
*this verse adapted from "Oceans, WhereFeet May Fail"
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown, where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep, my faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed
And You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wanter
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My should will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
