Thursday, July 20, 2017

Who Am I?

A friend sent me these lovely photos.  I remember taking them, but I had not seen them.  It was William's last stay in the hospital, after he had come off life support and was in need of therapy to regain his strength.

That face.  I can't help but smile when I see it.  And cry.

And that hair reminds me... his hair grew SO fast.  When he was waking up from life support, still actually on the ventilator, I was stroking his hair.  He reached his hand up and pulled my hand away.  He didn't like me stroking his hair.  But then he reached out to hold my hand.  One of the first things he said when the ventilator was removed was, "I need a haircut."  He hated having his hair long.  Three weeks in the hospital made it pretty shaggy.  

My heart struggles with missing him.

I am still struggling with my identity.  I am still William's mother, yet I am not.  That is a difficult thing for me.  I want him here.

Yesterday I went looking for one little thing and ended up spending hours reading letters written to William.  It's not how I planned to spend my day, yet I couldn't tear myself from it.

Some days I feel like I can stay on top of things.  Other days I still fall apart.  I have no consistency anymore.  I never know how I'll be.  

"Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once?  A hypocrite before others,
and before myself a contemptible woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army
fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I?  They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am thine!"
~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer

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