Thursday, November 24, 2016

Thanksgiving

This picture expresses the gap that is felt without him.  The gaping hole that is so evident in everything we do.  No matter what, no matter where...there is always something (someone) missing.  It is hard to believe that only 2 years ago, we were gathered together in the playroom, singing "I Will Enter His Gates with Thanksgiving" and praising the Lord that William had come successfully off of life support.

Here I am again.  Another day, another battle.  I want to be thankful.  I want to live a life of thankfulness.  To see blessing at every corner.  And on the one hand, I do.  I look at my children and I have a deeper appreciation for them than ever.  But I also have the fear of being asked to let go.

I still feel like I live my life in a constant conundrum.  A continual state of give and take.  My life has become puzzling to me...an enigma.  I feel that this is something I will eventually adjust to.  I must.

In many ways, my walk with God has only solidified and I'm closer to Him than I've ever been.  Yet, I struggle to overcome my mind in ways I've never fought before.  Bitterness, anger, depression...all loom at the door of my heart and I have to be ever vigilant to conquer them, lest they take me over entirely.

I am constantly fighting against my feelings and reminding myself of what I know to be true.  The struggle is exhausting but it is better than the alternative.

I feel as though I'm getting better.  But at what?  The grief is not gone.  I'm not even sure it's really changed much.  I still fight tears on a daily basis.  But I think, for the most part, people see "normal" when they look at me.  There is no normal.  It is gone.  There is only learning to adjust to a life of war within.

What used to be my favorite holiday has become another battle in the long list of battles.  I go.  I go do the things that are expected of me.  I put a smile on my face.  I laugh.  I listen, or at least try to.  I do my best to engage.  I pretend that my heart is not broken.  And in the midst of it all, I am looking, searching, trying to place at the front of my mind the things I am thankful for.  To stay afloat.

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