Thursday, November 24, 2016
Here I am again. Another day, another battle. I want to be thankful. I want to live a life of thankfulness. To see blessing at every corner. And on the one hand, I do. I look at my children and I have a deeper appreciation for them than ever. But I also have the fear of being asked to let go.
I still feel like I live my life in a constant conundrum. A continual state of give and take. My life has become puzzling to me...an enigma. I feel that this is something I will eventually adjust to. I must.
In many ways, my walk with God has only solidified and I'm closer to Him than I've ever been. Yet, I struggle to overcome my mind in ways I've never fought before. Bitterness, anger, depression...all loom at the door of my heart and I have to be ever vigilant to conquer them, lest they take me over entirely.
I am constantly fighting against my feelings and reminding myself of what I know to be true. The struggle is exhausting but it is better than the alternative.
I feel as though I'm getting better. But at what? The grief is not gone. I'm not even sure it's really changed much. I still fight tears on a daily basis. But I think, for the most part, people see "normal" when they look at me. There is no normal. It is gone. There is only learning to adjust to a life of war within.
What used to be my favorite holiday has become another battle in the long list of battles. I go. I go do the things that are expected of me. I put a smile on my face. I laugh. I listen, or at least try to. I do my best to engage. I pretend that my heart is not broken. And in the midst of it all, I am looking, searching, trying to place at the front of my mind the things I am thankful for. To stay afloat.