Michael and I have been attending GriefShare meetings. It's been good for us. Sometimes I wish I would have had that in the beginning stages of grief, but I know the timing is right.
This week we were discussing how long the grief will last.
Of course this broken heart will last forever. Because I will love him forever. But it's changing, too.
I recently had one of those days...where the grief is just relentless and the missing him is completely overwhelming. But as I cried out to the Lord, I suddenly realized something. It's been awhile since the waves of grief knocked me down. It's been many, many days since I had that feeling like I just could not breathe, gasping for air, grasping for a lifeline.
"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?...But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me." Psalm 13:1-2, 5-6
I remember very little about William's funeral. But I remember clearly talking to my sister afterward, standing just outside the barn. She had walked this road 8 years ahead of me. We were talking about how acute the pain was, so severe, and if it would ever get better. I remember that she told me that it doesn't ever really go away, but it does get softer. What a great way to describe it.
I do not remember when, exactly, that I started seeing "in color" again, but oh-so-surely it has happened. I still see in that dismal gray, too, but at least the ability to see beauty has not left me altogether.
Someone sent me this video clip of John Piper, discussing grief. It's been awhile. It's taken me some time to process my feelings on it. I decided to post it here because I had such conflicting feelings about it. I thought it would be better to just get it out there.
First, I'm so grateful for friends who love me and want to help me. Even more than that, I'm so, so grateful for friends who have continued in prayer for me. So, here is the video...
Second, I should admit that Dr. Piper often rubs me the wrong way. I'm not sure why, exactly. He has many great sermons and I agree with him much of the time...but not always. When I first watched this video, it frustrated me. I could not put my finger on why. I absolutely understand his point. We cannot live in the darkness of the valley. There is no oxygen down there. It sucks the life right out of you.
So I agree with him that we have to trust God and that we do not grieve without hope. What I disagree with is the implication that there's not hope IN the grieving. Deep grief doesn't mean you don't know the promise of eternity. But knowing that promise doesn't just dissolve the pain of the loss.
The other thing I disagree with him on is that you shouldn't let grief define you. It absolutely does. And I think it should. There are many changes in me solely because of the work God has done in my life because of my grief. I'm not going to let go of those things. I don't even want to.
Grief has caused me to walk more closely with God. It's caused me to rely on Him much more than before. It has removed my illusion of control and replaced it with a greater reliance on Him. It has caused me to long for eternity like I never have before. It's given me a greater compassion for others. It's caused me to love more deeply, more fully, more passionately. It's actually taught me how to extend grace and mercy to others more.
Before we get into strange theology, let me just say...God didn't need William to die to show me anything. I didn't need William to die to draw me closer to God. All too often we look for the "good" in bad circumstances. Death is not good. There is nothing good or right about it. Death is purely a result of the fall and God does not use death to "work" us.
Those are my thoughts on Piper's message. Yes, we must eventually embrace the life God has given us. But I think the grief must also define us in a positive way. Isn't that really the mark of those who are His?
