Panic Moments

Sometimes there are moments when a wave of panic washes over me. I think it’s a spiritual attack. It typically happens while sitting in church. Sometimes it’s during the message. Other times it’s during singing or even prayer. I’m thankful that it doesn’t happen often. I am also thankful that right behind it, comes the comfort of the Holy Spirit. 

Last week it happened during singing. We were singing “Is He Worthy?” during service at church. It’s a beautiful song. During the line, “And does Jesus, our Messiah, hold forever those He loves?”, a panic washed over me. 

Is William with Jesus in Glory? 

What if he’s not? What then?

I choked up and couldn’t sing, but before the next line came, I felt the Spirit calming me and reminding me of how much William loved the Lord and that that love is a gift from Him, given freely, evidencing His love for us. In every fiber of my being I know that William is with Christ, having just gone ahead, and I have the promise of seeing him again one day. 

And the glorious response to that question is...

HE DOES! ❤️

Peace in the Storm

I don’t really have much to say. The trials of the last couple of months have me feeling tired. But I am also at peace. I feel the Lord’s presence and am thankful for the tender mercies He grants. A sweet reconnection with an old friend brought a great amount of comfort this week. Deep and thoughtful conversation with a young person brought joy and hope. I am continuing to make it an intentional act to give my sorrows to His care. He is faithful. 

You may notice that we’ve taken down William’s monument. His grave is currently unmarked. I do not know what we will put in its place but I’m in no hurry to decide. I just couldn’t look at the monument anymore. I find this beautiful picture to be much like my state of mind currently. Dark. Serene. Still. At peace. 

“He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

“Momma, Look!”

As the children grow and more things change and fewer things remain the same, I find myself quite melancholy. Adults out of the home. My last two children are almost finished with kindergarten. This season is closing fast.  

I am going through phonics with my littles for the last time. It has always been a fun program but somehow I am enjoying it more than I ever have. While there is definitely some sadness with the “lasts,” I am intentionally cherishing these moments with the ones still here. 

I am incredibly grateful for Andrew’s affectionate personality. He has been even more present at my side, not wanting me to go anywhere without him and stuck to me like glue. He’s taken to holding my hand and giving me love pats and kissing my cheek 6 times in a row. 🥰 I wonder what’s going on in that little mind? Does he also feel heavy or is he reacting to me? 

I love hearing his little voice, “Momma, look!” And there’s no telling what I will find at the end of that...😍

Ice Cream for Breakfast

This morning we will have ice cream for breakfast in honor of William's 14th birthday.  I had this grand notion that I would write a long post about William and his life, but I find that I just cannot.  Even now, 5 1/2 years later, it is still so raw.

We were blessed with 3,115 days with him.  I find myself wondering if I used them all to their full potential.  Did I realize how short my time would be with him?  Did I make the most of each moment?  Such a short amount of time...

Tomorrow will mark 2,000 days without him.  Two thousand.  How did that even happen?  

172,594,800 seconds

I do not cry every day anymore.  I can't really even pinpoint when that stopped.

The triggers still come and there are definitely times I have to struggle to take my thoughts captive still, but it's not as frequent.  I still miss him every day and the hurt is every bit as deep, but it has changed.  I can't really describe how.  Maybe it's not the hurt that has changed so much as it's me that's changed.  The Lord has strengthened me...drawn me close...shown me grace.

One of the girls brought up last night how she's been reading in Psalms for some time and found it interesting that so often we think of Psalms as songs of praise, which they are, but the first half of them (or so) are about grieving.  Hope in grieving.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Ps 34:18

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Ps 73:26

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Ps 147:3

I've been up tonight, watching videos.  It's been sweet to listen to his voice again.  Here are some fun ones:

And this one is perhaps my all-time favorite video of William because it so captures his personality: joyful always, even in times of trial and always smiling.

I'm so thankful that I got to be his momma.

I'm off to enjoy some ice cream for breakfast with the family.  BE MIGHTY!

Happy Birthday, Sherrod!

So this beautiful lady is no longer a teen.  In some ways I'm surprised that the time has flown so quickly but in others it seems that she's been in her twenties for such a long time.  She's always been so mature.

We also got Sherrod a passport for her birthday.  She's going to Africa with Sydnee.  I know, I know...what were we thinking?!?!?! A very big part of me screams, "I DON'T KNOW!!!!" But the bigger part, the better part, looks at this capable and determined young woman who loves the Lord with her whole heart and wonders, "How could we do anything else but let her follow God's plan for her life?"

It wasn't a decision we took lightly.  Where she'll be at is hardly a technological hub.  In fact, she won't even have reliable electricity, much less internet or phone.  Not only does this mean that I will not be able to monitor her blood glucose on a 24-hr basis, but very likely she will not be able to, either.  At least not in the automatic way she is used to.  But she has been managing this disease for a very long time.  It's all she knows.  And she has had full charge of the management for many years now.  I only monitor to make myself feel better, not because she needs me in any way.  

One of the first words that comes to mind when I think of Sherrod is strength.  She has always had a strong personality.  And I don't mean in presentation.  She has a firm strength of character and is immovable when it comes to justice.  She understands what is right and will see to it that it is accomplished, as much as is within her power to do so.  She is also beginning to understand the burden of strength and what that means in being strong for others.  I love watching her in action...she has such a heart to serve.  She always has.  She definitely doesn't sit still for long! :) If she is not busy, she finds something useful to do and is not big on wasting time. She is sensitive to the Holy Spirit in recognizing her own sin and is quick to repent.  It's one of the many things I admire in her and brings great joy to my heart.

Sherrod is super quiet, but not shy.  She is not the kind of person to fight for attention and often gets "talked over" in a conversation.  She is easily overlooked because of this.  No one will get to know her by accident.  It has to be intentional.  I was a bit surprised this particular birthday, as we typically celebrate with family only but this time we had a couple of sweet friends who happened to join us.  They both participated in our "Birthday Thankfulness" tradition, even though they were caught completely unaware.  I was surprised at how well they both knew Sherrod.  It is good to see her opening up to others.  I am glad more people get to see what we see regularly.

She has an ornery streak that I just love.  She has the best sense of humor, with a little bit of a sarcastic whit.  :)  She's just plain fun!

Sibling pictures are always fun.  Although it was strange to celebrate without Abby, who is still out of state.  We'll be glad to have her home in the next month!

I ended up away from the house all day so she made her own birthday dinner.  When I commented on it, she shrugged it off and said, "I just made everything the way I like it." :)

Birthday Prayer

I don't even know what was going on here but I think everyone got in on the craziness to some degree...:)

I am so thankful for these days filled with these precious children.