I Know You Will

I feel as though I've been drifting.  Simply going through motions.  Walking around in a daze.  With no purpose, no method, no intent.  Just wandering around aimlessly with weighted feet.

This week has been rough.  Very rough.  People are hard.  Some more than others.  I want to show grace and mercy.  I want to be a light.  I want to be love.  But anger is the quickest emotion I have right now and sometimes it's more than I can overcome.

My family is hurting.  They need me to be present.  Lord, help me.

This week I've resolved to get back to doing 2 important things that I used to do without thinking, eating meals with my family and singing to them at bedtime.  It's so hard.  Bedtime used to be my favorite time of the day, lying in the bedroom with my children, answering their questions, listening to their day, singing the songs they picked.  Now it's a time I dred.  But I don't want to.  They still crave it.  And I probably need it, too.  I feel like it shouldn't be so hard.

And the table... We have arranged things to where there is no longer an empty spot at the table.  I don't know if that's better or worse.  I loathe sitting at the table for a meal.  It used to be a place all abuzz with happiness and conversation.  Now it seems to just be noisy.  I have taken only a handful of meals with my family in these last months.  I've been grazing,  Junk.  And I've put on about 20 pounds.  :( Ugh.

This particular song has kind of become my mantra.  I feel as though it is my family's call to me.  Their faith in me.  They trust that I will come back to them.  Invest in them.  Lead them.  Be strong for them.  They know I will.  It's time.  LOVE SINGS LOUDER THAN THE DARKNESS.

"Lord, I don't want to just endure this trouble.  I long to have victory as a result of it.
In the midst of this time of testing, I pray You will be glorified.  In You alone victory is found.
Reveal in and through me a greater hope and peace that conquers all.
Help me stand firm and trust You, especially when I have no clue as to what You are doing.
When doubt and fear creep in on my faith, strengthen my walk and give me wisdom." ~ Jill Kelly, Prayers of Hope for the Brokenhearted

Lyrics:

Your heart is a history book
With pages to fill
If you haven't found your voice
I know you will

You don't need to let the rain clouds
Underneath your skin
Love sings louder than the darkness
Let the light shine in
I know you will

Failure is a photograph
You can put up on your wall
You don't have to think like that
When you fall

You don't need to let the rain clouds
Underneath your skin
Love sings louder than the darkness
Let the light shine in

Oh, the places you will see
The world is full of mystery
Like a city on a hill
You're gonna shine
I know you will

Rally for Life

It is fun to watch the children grow up and come into their own.  Develop their own interests, apart from mine.  Become their own person.  I love it!  I love that my girls have become strong, confident women, firm in their own convictions and strong in mind and character.

These are things that are similar about them, but for every similarity there are a dozen differences.  While Sarah likes to ride horses with Abby, she's not the least bit interested in training.  And while Abby likes to be involved with political things, she's not what I would call a political activist.  Sarah, yes. :)

Sarah is taking a course on Constitutional Law.  She's very interested in all things political, spending time at the State Capitol, reading bills, talking to legislators, lobbying for things that she views as important.

This week there was a Pro-Life rally after the Governor vetoed a very important bill that had passed the House and Senate.  I love that I find out lots of my important, need to know information from my daughter! :)

Sarah and Abby spent Wednesday at the Capitol speaking with legislators.  The rest of us joined them late that afternoon for the prayer meeting.  Sarah is still making calls, writing letters and emails, trying to create a change.  I do not know what the future holds for this lady, but I have no doubt she will be a powerful force for change.  And with all the yuck I see in the political realm, that gives me reason to smile.

Who You Are

Today has been one of those strange days.  There is no special reason today should have been so emotional for me.  I just can't breathe.  God, I miss that sweet face.

That voice.  That smile.  Those tiny hands.  And skinny arms.  I miss him crawling into my lap at night.  I miss him lying beside me, intertwining his arms with mine.  I miss hearing him say, "Yep!" I miss the ornery and the fun and the mischievous.

I'm struggling.  I still bounce back and forth from being angry that he's not here to knowing that I did not deserve such an incredible gift.  My mind will drift into dark, dark territory, if I do not turn it to the truths that I know.  There's so little that I know, but I do know Him.  And for that I'm thankful.

Lyrics:
All she wanted, was a baby to hold,
And she's still waiting, at forty-one years old,
Her life feels like a tragedy,
And its driving her down to her knees
She's praying "I don't know, 
I don't know what you're doing,
But I know who you are."

It was after midnight, when he answered the phone,
The doctor said his daughter, was never coming home,
Sometimes life doesn't make any sense, of war and pain
And accident, he's praying "I don't know, 
I don't know what you're doing, 
But I know who you are."

You are the father's heart, and a love that's wild,
And you know what it's like to lose, 
Yeah you know what it's like to lose, 
What it's like to lose a child,

Sometimes I don't know, 
I don't know what you're doing,
I don't know, I don't know what you're doing, 
But I know who you are.

2016 Trainer's Challenge

Abby competed in the Blaze's Tribute Equine Rescue Trainer's Challenge over the weekend.  She had such a good time.  The whole process was such a healing, wonderful experience for her.

It all started last year when we went to watch for our first time.  We were so impressed with the trainers!  The 2015 winners, Team Candy Surprise and Team Powerball, did such a great job, as well as several others... After the Challenge, the horses are available for adoption.  It's such an amazing process.  On average, trainers charge around $700/mo for horse training.  These trainers have their horses for 4 months ($2800 of training, not to mention farrier, worming, vaccinations, chiropractor, feed, etc) and the starting bid at auction is $800.  Incredible bargain! When we left that day, Abby looked at me and said, "I want to do that next year."

She sent in her application and was accepted, so 4 months ago she went to pick out her horse with all of the other trainers.  She was slightly disappointed because she drew the last pick and she watched as, one by one, all of her top choices were chosen.  She ended up with Prancer, a sweet little chocolate palomino mare who took over 30 minutes to load into the trailer to come home! But Abby was gentle and patient with her, yet firm and began developing the trust relationship immediately.

Even though we were in classes at The Right Path, Abby has spent an incredible amount of time with Prancer over the last 4 months.  If she wasn't conditioning our own horses, working on her Parelli certifications, or on PATH certification, she was working with Prancer.  In fact, we've seen very little of her.  Typically, I probably would have put my foot down because we have missed having her around, but I saw such a change in her demeanor.  Grief has been hard on all of us and we are all trying to find our own way to press on.  Abby felt like Prancer was a gift, chosen not by her, but given to her nonetheless.  They developed such an incredible bond.  Long before the required Challenge Trail Ride rolled around, Abby said, "I love the way Prancer takes care of her rider."  The Lord moves in ways we do not comprehend often times and it is for our benefit.

For the Challenge, trainers work up a performance showcasing what the horse can do.  Several of them have a fun theme and work the skills into that.  I told Abby she would need to come up with a costume and theme, but she looked at me dryly and said simply, "I'm not doing that."  For those who know Abby, can you imagine?  Hahaha!  Anyway, her first goal was to get a good, forever home for Prancer, so during her training she focused on skills that would benefit someone who wanted a companion.  She took Prancer all over Oklahoma to horsemanship clinics and trail rides.

Mounted shooting

The Challenge was Saturday.  Prancer's performance was flawless.  Abby took the skills that were listed at the beginning of the Challenge and really perfected them.  We are so proud of her.  Her routine was not flashy, but it was perfect. No mistakes, no missed cues or leads, Prancer did absolutely everything asked of her and Abby was so soft and gentle with her, many times you couldn't even see the cue! I especially loved how Prancer was so eager to please her, not one sign of distress or frustration, no hesitation or tail swishing...she looked like a ballerina, totally at ease and beautiful!

After Abby showed all the key points of what Prancer could do, she took off Prancer's bridle and repeated several key skills at liberty (bridle less)! Walk, trot, canter, whoa, back up... All with no reins, no bridle! The best part? When Abby dismounted, still at liberty, Prancer walked beside her to the trailer and loaded with no hesitation when Abby directed! Wow! What a transformation!

Youth Champion

Adult Champion - Zeke Zacharias, Youth Champion - Abby Ocker

They won 1st place in the youth trainer division. Abby was excited, but even more thrilled that Prancer got adopted to her forever home! Abby was very protective over Prancer and really paid attention to who was bidding on her. She was pleased with the winner and believes Prancer will be very happy.

Abby with friend and mentor, Leslie Kirkland

As for me, I'm proud of Abby on so many counts. I'm proud of her for recognizing the talent in the other trainers, for seeing their skill and pre-determining her support and happiness for them. I'm proud of her for setting a goal and never once compromising her convictions to reach it. I'm proud of her for not listening to the voices that said she wouldn't be able to get far with horses in a skirt. :) I'm thankful that that did not deter her many years ago!

Congratulations, Abby! And thank you, Lord, for the healing therapy You've given us in Your beautiful creation. May we always remember that even when things don't go according to our plan, You are still at work in our hearts and lives.

(I am hoping someone got video, but I haven't found any yet.  If I do, I'll post some later.)

Good, Good Father

It's Thursday again.  I actually slept last night.  Not the entire night, but enough that I didn't get out of bed.  That's something.  Maybe it's because I'm sick.  Maybe it's because yesterday was such an emotional day.  I don't know, but I am glad for it.  My body was screaming for rest.
Yesterday was an odd day.  Seven months without my sweet guy.  We spent it in Norman, watching them put the patina on the memorial, an interesting process.  I am happy with the memorial.  It doesn't look like William, exactly.  More like an older version.  But I'm happy with it.  It is an excellent reminder of his joy in what he is doing now.  I've been fairly hush, hush about it, but I'm really ready to show it.  I'll wait though.  It is done and ready to come home, but the base needs another 20 days or so.  I'll post pictures/video of the process after we do the installation.  We are planning to install Friday, June 17.
Yesterday I read a group discussion over angels vs. saints.  I don't know why so many feel that children become angels when they die.  The discussion was very good, though.  No theological put downs.  No emotional anger.  Just pure, honest discussion.  And through it all, a great peace came over me as I remembered...William was created to be a saint.  Higher than the angels.  He is the bride of Christ.  He always wanted to be married.  :)
William's race is finished.  His place in my heart is not.  But I am coming to peace with it.  I can no longer feel his sweet, warm touch, but I can feel the grief left behind.  And it's becoming a strange sort of friend.

Lyrics:
Oh, I've heard a thousand stories
Of what they think You're like
But I've heard the tender whisper
Of love in the dead of night
And You tell me that You're pleased
And that I'm never alone

You're a good good Father
It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are
And I'm loved by You
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am

Oh, and I've seen many searching
For answers far and wide
But I know we're all searching
For answers only You provide
‘Cause You know just what we need
Before we say a word

You're a good good Father
It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are
And I'm loved by You
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am

Cause You are perfect in all of Your ways
You are perfect in all of Your ways
You are perfect in all of Your ways to us

You are perfect in all of Your ways
Oh, You are perfect in all of Your ways
You are perfect in all of Your ways to us

Oh, it's love so undeniable
I, I can hardly speak
Peace so unexplainable
I, I can hardly think
As You call me deeper still
As You call me deeper still
As You call me deeper still
Into love, love, love

You're a good good Father
It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are
And I'm loved by You
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am

You're a good good Father
It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are
And I'm loved by You
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
You're a good good Father

You are perfect in all of Your ways
You are perfect in all of Your ways
You are perfect in all of Your ways