I recently read a Huffington Post article that really touched me. It reminded me of all the times I've attended a funeral then promptly forgotten what a family was going through. The times I ran into someone who had lost a loved one a year ago, 10 years ago, an eternity ago, and they looked "normal" or good and I simply thought how glad I was that they were doing well. It didn't occur to me that they might still be struggling.
Anyway, the article was so good and mirrored my own thoughts so well, I decided to post it here, with my thoughts below.
YOU WENT TO A FUNERAL AND THEN YOU WENT HOME by Courtney Fitzgerald
You heard some bad news from a friend, relative, social media, church or maybe in a gossip circle. However you heard, you immediately felt bad, asked how to help, donated time, food, money or prayers. Whatever you did, the family was grateful, even if they didn’t say it. They were blessed by your gifts.
Life goes back to normal. The family sits on your heart. You pray, you ask, you follow the updates. You did what you could.
One day, you heard the really bad news: Death won and a family lost. Forever.
Once again, you prayed, you helped, gave what you could. Even if you didn’t know it, the family was thankful for you, your help, your prayers, your love and your support.
You attended the funeral, cried some real tears, laughed some real laughs, enjoyed the memories of the one who is gone. Finally, you hugged the ones who lost the most.
Once the funeral was over and the day was done, you went home. Back to life, back to love, back to those who make your world complete. You went to a funeral, and then you went home.
We all lose, but someone that day, went to a funeral and didn’t want to go home.
Someone that day, drove home to the couch, the bed, the house that is forever empty. Life is not like it once was and never will be again. Where there was once laughter, sits an empty chair. The couch is bigger, the blankets and pillows are extra. There are empty shoes, clothes, toiletries that might never be used. Bags sit. Drugs disposed. So much to do and SO MANY MEMORIES left to be remembered, processed and grieved.
Time passes and the wounds are not healed. Sometimes, life feels normal and OK. Then a birthday, holiday, celebration occurs and the loss is real all over again. Sometimes life is normal, and for no reason at all, the LOSS comes right back, like it happened again.
There is loneliness, emptiness and tears. “Public faces” put on a show, and comfort the ones who interact. “Home faces” are real, raw and honest. There are headaches, stomachaches and countless mistakes made all because the grief lives in place of the person who completed a family. Not to mention the questions, the hurt, the anger that sits because it is hard to face.
Days pass, holidays pass, milestones completed; the grief lives, despite how the family looks in public. Remember, it’s a face, a show, an act, it’s not always real; however, it’s not always fake.
When you go to a funeral, and are allowed to go home to life, remember that at least one person goes home to a new life that was NOT asked for, but handed to them. Give those people more than sympathy or judgment; give them an endless amount of time to grieve in their own way. For that one act of kindness and grace, they will be forever grateful for you.
My own thoughts:
I really liked this post. It concisely says so much. I've always prided myself on being a "real" person. What you see is what you get. No games. No fakeness. But so often over these last 2 years (almost), I have felt fake. I've felt like I've been putting on a smile that doesn't really belong.
When I read this article, I was somewhat shocked at my first thought, "We never went home." We went to a house, the same house we had lived in but it was now empty of joy, devoid of laughter, stunned with silence. It never really felt like "home" after William's death.
But it's starting to. Slowly. There are more days with laughter. There are less days that knock me down. I am starting to find my way and begin to figure out who I am with a broken heart (and who will stick with me through it). I don't just LOVE my life without him in it, but I don't HATE it as much anymore, either.
I want to love with my whole heart. Completely. I don't want to be controlled by fear. I don't want to fight. I don't want to let meaningless grievances affect my relationships. I want to mend fences wherever I can. I already know how quickly a relationship can be snatched away.
On a different note (but kind of related)...Good news! I am sleeping! And it feels good! Four full nights in a row!
