Need You Now

Today has been an extremely hard day.  There's no rhyme or reason why.  I haven't slept well the last couple of nights.  Well, that's not saying much.  I don't sleep well anymore.  Which is weird because I feel like I'm settling into a routine.  I don't cry constantly anymore.  I can't say that I'm angry.  I don't know what I am.  I actually saw a cartoon on FB the other day that pretty adequately describes how I feel...

It feels weird to put on a happy face when I feel so empty inside.  And it's exhausting.  I can do it for awhile, but I feel like I'm always teetering on falling apart.

Classes start next week.  I'm actually really glad.  We're all ready to get back to focusing on helping others.  Back to routine.  I know that seeing all the children again will be somewhat healing.  I also know it will be hard.  Next Thursday (William's favorite day, the day he rode) will be exactly 4 months.  His class will go on without him.  The casual observer will know no difference.  And yet I wonder if I will ever be able to hold his class without dying just a little.  On the other side of that twisted coin, I could never bear to give it up.

Even though the old cliche states that it gets easier with time, I have yet to feel it.  I'm still in the stage where it seems to get harder by the day.  I read in one of my grief books that the 3 month mark was actually harder than the beginning but that it was a peak and the grief would then lessen some until the 12 month mark. It didn't happen that way for me.  Maybe because I expected it to be the peak.  I don't know.  It was difficult, no doubt.  But I feel heavier and more broken nearing 4 months.

Maybe that's not such a bad thing.  Maybe I've been trying to handle too much on my own, wrestling with my questions.  I've had trouble praying.  I've had trouble reading.  I feel like I'm struggling to reach God but I just can't quite get there.  I have to believe there's more than what I can see.  I know I need Him.

With the coming of a new anniversary I never wanted, I've decided to post a new song daily, at least for the next week.  Maybe more.  We'll see...

Lyrics:
Well everybody's got a story to tell 
And everybody's got a wound to be healed 
I want to believe there's beauty here 
Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on 
I can't let go, I can't move on 
I want to believe there's meaning here 

How many times have you heard me cry out 
"God please take this"? 
How many times have you given me strength to 
Just keep breathing? 
Oh I need you 
God, I need you now. 

Standing on a road I didn't plan 
Wondering how I got to where I am 
I'm trying to hear that still small voice 
I'm trying to hear above the noise 

Chorus 

Oh I walk, oh I walk through the shadows 
And I, I am so afraid 
Please stay, please stay right beside me 
With every single step I take 

How many times have you heard me cry out? 
And how many times have you given me strength? 

Chorus 

I need you now 
I need you now